YouBeQB

On This Date in Football History

2008-09-11T15:24:00.000-07:00

September 11, 1999

The Baylor Bears, leading 24-21 with 20 seconds left and needing only to take a knee and run out the clock against a UNLV team with no time-outs left, get greedy and it costs them the ball game.
With the ball on the UNLV 8-yard line, Baylor running back Darrel Bush takes the handoff and tries to score another touchdown, but he's stripped of the ball at the goal line and Kevin Thomas of the Runnin' Rebels returns the fumble 100 yards for a 27-24 UNLV win before a disbelieving crowd in Waco, Texas.

(source: Page-A-Day Calendars)

Attention Readers!

2008-06-04T09:49:00.001-07:00

Folks,

The YouBeQB blog is moving to a new home! I know there are ten's of people who bookmark this page, so to all of you I say:

Change your bookmark to this: http://www.youbeqb.com/blog

All future postings will be done over there! Come on along...

Come on - there's nothing more to see here. Please follow me.

Balls the Size of Pumpkins

2008-05-31T22:33:00.000-07:00

My previous blog post had some sick video footage of stunt driving in a video game, but now I found a video of stunt driving, though this time it's REAL - and no less amazing.

This is literally stunning - it starts off a bit slow, but be sure to stick with it.

Also, I really, REALLY hope that this is real-life, actual security cam footage and not something staged.

These Guys Must Have Fulfilled, Enriching Lives

2008-05-28T18:09:00.000-07:00

Check out this sick video I found on YouTube of some wild stunts in the new 'Grand Theft Auto IV' game.

This leads me to a couple of questions:

Didn't this game just get released like a week ago? How did these guys find all of these little locations and places to pull those shenanigans already?
My favorite one is when the guy dives out of the helicopter at like two thousand feet and plunges into a swimming pool. It looks like he aimed for the pool on purpose - how is that possible?
Odds that the person who made this video has ever been out on a date with a live person? I'm going to say Infinity-to-1 against.

---JohnnyU

I Need This...

2008-05-27T10:36:00.001-07:00

I have a mortal fear of being buried alive, so you can probably guess that I didn't love the scene in 'Kill Bill, Volume 2' where Uma Thurman is buried in a coffin and has to dig her way out.

I suppose there are plenty of other people like me. Apparently, premature burial was George Washington's greatest fear, and is quoted as saying:

"Have me decently buried, but do not let my body be put into a vault in less than two days after I am dead."

Shoot, Edgar Allen Poe practically made a living out of writing grotesque stories featuring premature burial ("The Premature Burial", "The Fall of the House of Usher" and "The Cask of Amontillado")

It was only a matter of time, then, that this idea cropped up:
A cemetery in Santiago, Chile, is offering its clients coffins with sensors that detect any movement inside after they have been buried. According to a spokesperson for the cemetery, ‘We want to be pioneers and avoid catalepsy cases, in which a person gets completely paralyzed for a few hours and ends up buried as if they were dead. We want families to rest assured that if a case like this ever happens, their loved ones will be immediately rescued.

All I have to say about this is: I'm looking into possibly moving to Santiago, Chile.

Great News if You're a Lions Fan

2008-05-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

I know the Detroit Lions can't be bothered to address their QB position (though Jon Kitna has been a serviceable starter, I suppose), seeing as how they're so busy drafting wide receivers in the first round every year, and letting their best defensive player - Shaun Rogers - leave in the offseason, but this quote was still somewhat eye-opening.

According to this article from MLive.com, Lions offensive coordinator Jim Colletto can barely stand to watch second-year QB Drew Stanton throw his wobbly, lame-duck passes.

"I kind of close my eyes and don't pay attention,'' Colletto said with a smile.
"Sometimes he reverts back to some old habits. Today, he didn't throw an interception so that was a huge plus.''

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another 4-12 season of Lions football! Big hand for the fellas.

---JohnnyU

Some People are Dain-Bramaged

2008-05-20T17:45:00.000-07:00

FOUND ON REAL-LIFE WARNING LABELS:

On a can of insect spray: “Harmful to bees.”
On a motorcycle mirror: “Objects in the mirror are actually behind you.”
On a bag of peanuts: “This product contains nuts.”
On a mattress: “Do not attempt to swallow.”
On a TV remote control: “Not dishwasher safe.”
On an iron: “Never iron clothes on the body.”
On a wristwatch: “This is not underwear. Do not put in pants.”
On a life-saving device: “This is not a life-saving device.”

Are real people *actually* this stupid? I find it hard to believe that anyone would do any of these things (Except for the wristwatch one - because I always wear my watch in my pants).

This reminds me of the time, when I was a kid and my dad got me a bike for Christmas (which came in pieces that you had to put together), and the box the bike was shipped in had a large warning label stuck on the side that read:

"WARNING! Assemble before use."

---JohnnyU

Jason Taylor is Light on His Feet

2008-05-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

Jason Taylor has not yet gotten voted off 'Dancing With the Stars' (if that's how that show even works - it appears to be a lock-stock-and-barrel ripoff of 'American Idol'), but it's clearly no secret that new Dolphins head-honcho of football ops, Bill Parcells, isn't happy about that at all.

From Pro Football Weekly today:

One Dolphins insider remarked how ironic it is that troubled RB Ricky Williams has the full support of executive V.P. of football operations Bill Parcells, while Parcells has given the cold-shoulder treatment to consummate team leader Jason Taylor. Parcells subscribes to the “football comes first” mentality, something that Taylor has done throughout his distinguished career, whereas Williams has rarely demonstrated that commitment. However, Parcells’ differing treatment of the two players is a sign that the “What have you done for me lately” mantra is alive and well inside Dolphins headquarters. While Taylor has been mostly missing in action in Miami’s offseason program as he participates in the television show “Dancing with the Stars,” Williams has seemingly rededicated himself to football after having torn a pectoral muscle last November in his first game back from an 18-month NFL suspension.

If I'm reading that correctly, it seems that the Tuna would have preferred that #99 spent his offseason burning blunts with Sticky Icky Ricky than tripping the light fantastic in Hollywood. But I could be wrong (and have been before).

---JohnnyU

Sam Grizzle is a Sick Man

2008-05-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

Charles Barkley has been getting plenty of unwanted attention in the last couple of days, surrounding his outstanding $400k gambling debt, so I'm not going to focus on that because it's already been done to death, but I'll stay in the same vein with a gambling story.

I thought this was amazing (not in a good way) - though a little off the beaten path, so bear with me.

Sam Grizzle is a Las Vegas gambler, infamous for his degenerate tendencies. Possessed of some amount of talent for poker, Sam is nonetheless constantly broke and having to borrow money from people. He has a perfectly apt last name - seeing as he is a grizzled, leather-assed old gambler who seems miserable ninety percent of the time.

This one particular anecdote I'm about to excerpt - which seems to neatly encapsulate the guy - was from an article written by Todd Brunson for CardPlayer magazine.

"About 14 years ago, I was playing in a $150-$300 hold'em game at Commerce Casino. Early in the morning, Sam Grizzle walks in and starts commenting on how good the game is. When asked why he's not playing, he pulls out his bankroll ($2) and sarcastically asks how much the buy-in is.

He leaves, and after talking to Puggy Pearson, comes back with $10,000 and starts to play. Now, after about an hour, Sam and Puggy get into an argument (about what, I can't remember offhand), and Puggy picks up his $10,000 and half of what Sam was winning, leaving Sam with about $400, far short of the required buy-in. Fortunately for Sam, no one says anything. Sam goes all in five or six times right away, and in about four hours, he is winning around $40,000.

If this isn't amazing enough, Sam quits the game, announcing that he's going to do us a big favor and go play the tournament, allowing us to keep what money we had left. (He also told us how smart he was and dumb we were, of course.) You can guess what happened next: Sam the genius wins the tournament and another $120,000 to go with the $40,000 he won from us earlier that morning; not bad for a guy who showed up at the casino with $2 in his pocket.

It's now 6 a.m. and he's been in the Commerce Casino for exactly 24 hours. It's time to get some sleep; that is, if he were a normal human, but Sam's far from that. He comes up to the top section, where there's a tough $800-$1,600 Razz (lowball) game in progress. Sam stumbles over and bellies up to the table, losing his entire $160,000 in a fairly short period of time.

Instead of becoming upset, Sam simply told everyone how dumb they were, shook his head, and walked out of the casino with the exact same $2 he had showed up with the day before. Just another day in the life of a gambler."

---JohnnyU

From the "Is That a Friggin' Fact?!" File

2008-05-15T09:56:00.000-07:00

In the early 1880s, the Northern Pacific Railroad Company hoped to run its railroad tracks through the town of Coulson, Montana, but the three men who owned most of the surrounding land wanted more money than the railroad was willing to pay. So Northern Pacific moved the tracks and built its own town, which it named after the railroad’s president, Frederick Billings. Coulson was a ghost town by 1885; today Billings is the largest city in Montana.

(Boy, those three dudes who decided to hold out for more cash sure were a bunch of bright visionaries, huh? Didn't they see 'There Will Be Blood'? If not, they should check it out... Good flick.)

---JohnnyU

T.O. is Cool and Handsome... Just Ask Him.

2008-05-13T09:56:00.001-07:00

It's not a huge secret that Terrell Owens has an ego larger than the innn-tire state of Texas - remember him knocking out a few hundred situps in his driveway a couple of years ago?

But now word comes from the Dallas Morning News that T.O. has decided to do something new and revolutionary for him:

HONOR HIS CONTRACT

Yes, apparently this is something that needs to be covered by the local Dallas newspaper. This baffles me, that a guy planning to honor the contract he signs somehow makes him a guy of integrity.

"I'm going to let God fight that battle for me. There was a situation where the contract didn't work out in Philly. With this, I'm going to let it play out and not try to be a distraction.

T.O. went on to say how much he wanted to remain with the team - and did so in inimitable T.O. fashion:

"For sure, I definitely want to end my career with the Dallas Cowboys, and go into the Hall of Fame as a Dallas Cowboy," said Owens, who was also promoting his Wednesday appearance on the MyNetworkTV sitcom Under One Roof.

Uhhh, Hall of Fame? Excuse me, Cart? You're way in front of the Horse - could you please slow down? T.O. is considering himself a lock for Canton? Unbelievable.

And, if elected, he wants to be enshrined as a Cowboy? I guess everyone has forgotten about him stomping on the Dallas star a few years back, hmm?

T.O. clearly has.

---JohnnyU

Discovering a Future President of the United States

2008-05-12T14:13:00.000-07:00

Some news stories just seem too crazy to be made up, and this story definitely falls into that category.

A 13-year old kid named Ralph from Texas won a big World of Warcraft tournament (there are World of Warcraft tournaments?) and boosted his dad's credit card to run up a $30,000 spending spree that included paying $1,000/night prostitutes to play HALO 3 with them.

Awesome.

Or the worst thing I've ever heard.

One or the other.

The best part is the final line of the article: "Ralph's ambition is to one day become a politician."

---JohnnyU

I Think I Hate Derek Jeter

2008-05-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

This just in: breaking news from the South Florida Sun-Sentinel that Maxim magazine's soon-to-be-released Hot 100 List for 2008 contains six (count 'em, SIX) ladies who at one time or another have been romantically linked to one Derek Sanderson Jeter.

The six lovelies are (and this is in decreasing order of hotness, according to Maxim): Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Vanessa Minnillo, Gabrielle Union, and Mariah Carey.

I think I have to take issue with that order, however - as I would rank them like this:

1A. Jessica Alba
1B. Jessica Biel (can't really pick a winner here)
3. Vanessa Minillo
4. Scarlett Johansson
5. Gabrielle Union
146. Mariah Carey (this one actually detracts from Jeter's conquests, IMO; crazier than an outhouse rat)

So not only does D.J. have a $189 million contract, plays in the biggest city in the world, gets to hook up with ridiculously attractive starlets, but he's also a helluva nice guy.

How do I know this?

Because when I went to a game at Yankee Stadium in 1999 (the day David Cone threw his perfect game), we were there like two hours early, sitting about 10 rows behind the Yankee dugout.

Sure enough, who pops out of the dugout but Jeter - looking to see if any kids needed autographs. The stands were mostly empty, but several kids were close by and even more swarmed the area once they caught a glimpse of The Cap'n.

He couldn't have been nicer; stood there and signed everything for everyone.

Makes it hard to hate him, but I'm trying.

---JohnnyU

The Scales of Justice

2008-05-07T13:37:00.000-07:00

Plaintiff: Gregory Roach and Gordon Falkner

Defendant: Para-Chem Co.

Lawsuit: In 1998 the plaintiffs, carpet installers, decided to use an all-weather outdoor adhesive inside a client’s home, ignoring the warning on the label: “Do not use indoors because of flammability.” When a hot water tank clicked on, the fumes from the adhesive ignited, exploding the three-gallon container. Burned over most of their bodies, Roach and Falkner sued the adhesive manufacturer, Para-Chem, for $35 million.

Can you guess the result?

Verdict: Five of the eight jurors initially sided with the defendant, Para-Chem, but the judge ordered deliberations to continue until at least six jurors agreed on the verdict. When the jury returned, the tally was 6-2 in favor of the plaintiffs. They got $8 million.

[source: Page-a-Day Calendars]

This kind of stuff irritates me to no end. The only thing that pisses me off more are the lawsuits where the burglar sues the person who owns the home they were trying to burgle, because the felon falls down the stair and breaks his leg or something.

If I could ever meet these jurors I would give all of them a slap with a pair of gloves.

---JohnnyU

What Were They Thinking?

2008-05-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

Mix equal parts stupidity and foolishness, and toss in a dash of idiocy... and then maybe a soupcon of pure luck, and voila! (or is that 'viola'?)

Hilarity ensues...

I guess my question is, how is it possible that a camcorder happened to be on hand to capture every single one of these moments? What's noteworthy about a woman getting out of a cab? Or in half of these examples, for that matter?

If these people were any dumber, they'd be the mutant offspring of Gomer Pyle and Jethro Clampett.

Karate Kid, Part IV - Ralph Macchio Returns?

2008-05-02T14:47:00.000-07:00

I don't know how much you would have to pay me to square off against a chimpanzee, but the figure would definitely have at least one comma in it.

I've heard it said that chimps are roughly ten times stronger than an adult human, so you can best believe I'm not messing with one in a boxing ring or a karate dojo.

---JohnnyU

Paul Pierce Ain't No Gangsta

2008-04-29T14:17:00.000-07:00

I did not see the game in question, but the Boston Herald is reporting that Paul Pierce of the Celtics has been fined $25,000 by the NBA for a hand gesture he made toward the Atlanta Hawks' bench during Boston's Game 3 loss on Saturday. It was identified as a possible Blood gang sign, and the league termed it a 'menacing gesture' and so they hit him with a fine.

I only have one question about this: how does *anyone* in the NBA league office know what gang signs look like? Is David Stern or Rod Thorn that well-versed in the street that they're able to identify and then categorize a gang sign? I'm fascinated by this.

Of course, Pierce denies it and says it's something he's been doing all year as a dedication to the team's 'blood, sweat and tears'. Celts head coach Doc Rivers got off this terrific quote that made me chuckle:

“I just don’t know how you interpret what something means if you don’t know what it means.”

I anxiously await Dan Shaughnessey, the uber-white Boston newspaper columnist (Shaughnessey is so white, he makes Vanilla Ice look like Flava Flav), breaking this all down for us.

---JohnnyU

This Just In: Peyton Manning NOT a Robot

2008-04-29T13:40:00.001-07:00

This may be really old, but if so I never saw it - Peyton Manning going OFF on his offensive line on the sideline during a game. It kind of made me laugh, mostly because corporate America (and of course Peyton himself) never lets us see this side of #18.

I especially like the way big Tarik Glenn finally has heard enough and tells his QB to go sit his butt back down on the bench. Also, be sure to catch backup QB Jim Sorgi jumping in to Peyton's defense - Dude sure knows what side his bread's buttered on.

It's hard to believe that Peyton and Eli are from the same gene pool. Temperament-wise, they seem *nothing* alike.

-JohnnyU

I Hate the Dentist

2008-04-27T09:13:00.000-07:00

I normally don't ever inject any of my own life into this blog, mostly because I figure no one's interested. But a couple days ago, I had a trip to the dentist that is at least worth mentioning.

One of my fillings needed to be replaced, it was discovered during a recent cleaning appointment, and so the dentist said there might be some decay behind the filling that "needed to be cleaned out".

A new appointment was made for several weeks down the road, and that's where I found myself on Thursday of this week.

It was at that point that I heard the two things you never (and I mean EVER) want to hear come out of your dentist's mouth:

1) "I don't think we're going to need to use any anesthetic for this!" (For the record, shouldn't this be the patient's call? My dentist said there was a new tool called the Air Abrasion - which is like a mini-sandblaster, except it's directed into your mouth - which typically isn't a great place to fill up with sand, I've found.) No drill bit, no burr.

At least according to my dentist, this technique could strip away tooth enamel and decay without the use of any type of pain-killer. What I have to say to that: well, you could do a root canal without pain-killers too, I just wouldn't want to.

That led us to the second thing that you never want to hear your dentist say:

2) "Nurse, could you please hand me that instruction book?"

Benny Hill Woulda Loved It

2008-04-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

In the UK this week, Her Majesty's Treasury - called the Office of Government Commerce - got embarrassed when their new logo was unveiled and it was met with unintended guffaws.
I suppose no one designing the logo thought to turn it on its side, but the employees at the unveiling spotted it immediately.

What a boneheaded decision that turned out to be.

Manu is Clutch

2008-04-23T11:44:00.000-07:00

(Photos by Greg Nelson/Sports Illustrated)

Great photo of Manu Ginobili icing the double-OT win against the Suns on Tuesday night. I don't know if that little Argentinian (he's 6'6", actually) is worth $10 million a year ($9,079,811, actually), but he does seem to make big shots when they need them.

But in this one, Shaq doesn't seem to enjoy Manu's work very much...

---JohnnyU

"Eli & Abby, Sittin' In a Tree..."

2008-04-21T11:53:00.001-07:00

So Eli Manning got married over the weekend in Mexico? A couple of things struck me about this story:

1) I was surprised at how NICE the article was - considering that it was published in the New York Daily News, I expected to see an excoriation. Although I suppose winning a Super Bowl for a Gotham City team causes the tabloids to call off the dogs somewhat, hm? I guess so.

2) My second question is, at one point in the story, it is reported:

Some guests estimated the wedding cost Manning around $500,000, a modest sum compared to most celebrity weddings.

Seriously? $500k is a modest sum for a wedding? Just because Tommy Mottola spent $3 million on his 'storybook' wedding to Mariah Carey - so that they could pledge their unending troth to one another, and then get divorced like nine months later, does not (repeat, *not*) make a half-million a 'modest sum'.

One thing I will say is that they look like a happy, normal couple. She doesn't look like she'll become some kind of nightmare - but then, what do I know?

I thought Anna Nicole Smith would keep Bobby Trendy as her decorator forever - so I'm not so trustworthy on predicting things.

I'm Confused

2008-04-19T09:56:00.000-07:00

This story, off of FanNation, reports that a league source is saying Brian Urlacher's agents have asked the team if they could explore a trade. Another says Urlacher is threatening to retire because of neck and back problems, a move in which he wouldn't have to repay any portion of the $13 million signing bonus he received in 2003, when he received a nine-year, $56.65 million deal.

So which is it?

Is he hurt so badly that he needs to retire? Or he wants a trade? Those two things seem to be quite mutually exclusive, if you ask me (which you didn't).

Brian Urlacher has always seemed like a fairly good guy, except for those murky circumstances around him getting involved (briefly, of course) with Paris Hilton - shortly thereafter his wife moved out, taking their 3-year old daughter with her.

Drew Rosenhaus Might Be the Devil

2008-04-17T10:57:00.000-07:00

I always thought that Scott Boras was about as bad is got when it came to sports agents, but Drew Rosenhaus seems to be giving Boras a run for his money.

Now he's got Cowboys RB Marion Barber convinced that he's worth as big of a contract as LaDainian Tomlinson.

Cowboys, RB Barber $10 Million Apart
Calvin Watkins, Dallas Morning News

The Cowboys sent their latest offer to restricted free agent RB Marion Barber III with a price tag of $30 million. Barber and agent Drew Rosenhaus are seeking a deal worth $40-60 million, ie. Larry Johnson, Ladanian Tomlinson territory. The Cowboys are believed to be targeting the contract signed by Falcons RB Michael Turner, who has a six year, $34.5 million contract ($15 million guaranteed) in place. But sources said the team would be willing to give Barber a contract close to what Baltimore gave Willis McGahee last year (seven years, $40.12 million, including the final two years picked up).

If I remember that Sports Illustrated article correctly, Rosenhaus got his start hanging around the Miami Dolphins practice field, accosting players as they walked to their cars, promising them big things if they were to leave their current, though presumably more principled and ethical, agents. Dude sounds like Bob Sugar (Jay Mohr) from 'Jerry Maguire'.
Listen, Marion Barber is a nice player, but $60 million? If I can use my best Ahnuld accent for this, "Dat's a good vun..."

---JohnnyU

"Well, the front fell off, for a start..."

2008-04-11T21:37:00.000-07:00

I have no idea if this video is real, or if it's some kind of Australian version of a Monty Python sketch or something.

All I know is that it's frickin' funny, and I'd prefer to think that it's real.

How Does Paris Hilton Not Fall Down More?

2008-04-08T17:08:00.000-07:00

It wasn't a secret that Paris Hilton is one of the dumbest human beings on the planet - if not THE dumbest, then certainly in the bottom-five - but this story today from the New York Daily News still surprised me nonetheless.

Paris Hilton kept the locals amused during her recent visit to South Africa, where she accompanied her Good Charlotte boyfriend, Benji Madden.
The couple stayed at the ultra-luxe Mount Nelson Hotel in Cape Town, along with the Kaiser Chiefs and Korn, who were also in town for the My Coke Fest music event. (Apparently, calling a rock festival My Coke Fest isn't ironic in South Africa.)
A hotel spy tells us: "Every time Paris saw something she liked, like a woman's dress, she would ask how much it was. That included a cheetah she saw at an animal park. She asked how much it was and said, 'If I bought a cheetah, would it run away from me or could I keep it?'"
Perhaps Paris could take one home and feed it with her leftover Chihuahuas.

Seriously, she is borderline mentally-challenged. I'm not even kidding.

I think my favorite Paris Hilton story came from the time that she had testify in court for some crime or another that she had committed (drunk driving, perhaps? without a license?). Anyway, she was asked to recall the name of someone with whom she had interacted, and she couldn't do it, but explained her memory lapse by saying, "I know a lot of people. I don't even know some of my friends' names."

And she drives a Bentley.

Kill me now.

"10-Table" Super Bowl Ring

2008-04-05T13:24:00.000-07:00

I imagine you've seen the stories of Michael Strahan of the Giants saying that he wanted the team's Super Bowl rings to be '10-table' rings - meaning that you could see the ring from ten tables away in a restaurant.

That sounded pretty cool, but I hadn't gotten a look at the rings, but I finally found pictures on The Gothamist website.

Now, it's hard to tell how big it is, since there's nothing to compare it to, but it looks pretty nice. What I will say is that a lot of guys on recent Super Bowl winners have said that they leave their rings at home, or in a safe-deposit box, because they are just garishly big - like the size of a pizza plate on their finger.

Also, for my money (which it isn't) give me yellow gold over white gold or platinum any time.

Thanks for Nuttin', Moises!

2008-04-03T13:22:00.000-07:00

Did you see the story were Moises Alou has changed his story about the Steve Bartman incident? Right after it happened, back in the 2003 NLCS, he said that "almost 100 percent" he would have caught that ball.

Now, he's saying, ""You know what the funny thing is? I wouldn't have caught it, anyway.''

That *IS* funny, Moises! It's downright hilarious. I'm laughing so hard I think I lost control of my bladder function and tinkled in my pants!

Speaking of tinkling, don't your hands need a urine bath or something? Go make yourself useful.

Poor Bartman - dude's life is ruined. If anyone's life should be ruined it's Alex Gonzalez, the then-shortstop for the Cubs who kicked a routine double-play ball only seconds after the Bartman foul ball - if Gonzalez makes that play, we never know Bartman's name.

Now the guy has been in hiding for five years, and he's probably changed his name - like Jeff Gillooly did after his marriage to Tonya Harding.

Bartman - try using 'Jeff Stone'; it worked for Gillooly.

---JohnnyU

Matt Leinart is Handsome and Likes Beer, Ladies and Hot Tubs

2008-04-02T08:38:00.000-07:00

It seems like there are a lot of people all atwitter over Matt Leinart's shenanigans over the weekend. Dude had a rager at his house in Arizona and he and his wingman Nick Lachey hosted a bevy of underage honeys.

Turns out that his coach, Ken Whisenhunt, wasn't too stoked about Matt partying like it was Nineteen Ninety-Nine with nineteen-year-olds.

I think it was the picture of Matt holding up the beer bong for the young lady. Hey, he was just being a gentleman. And they say chivalry is dead these days.

Listen, if you were 24 years old, a millionaire, and looked like Matt Leinart, would you not be acting the exact same way he is?

Asking him not to use the tools he's been given would be like telling cavemen, "Look, I know you think that spear works well for killing the bear. But you should really just keep trying to kill them with your bare hands."

Stephen Curry, We Hardly Knew Ye...

2008-03-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

Did anyone besides me audibly gasp when Stephen Curry dished off the ball to teammate Jason Richards to take the last shot against Kansas? I understand that Curry was wearing two Jayhawk defenders like a sweater and socks, but less than a minute earlier (with 00:57 left), Curry spotted up and buried a 3-pointer, making it 59-57. Was there a single person in the building who thought anyone BUT Curry would take that last shot? Now we'll never know if he woulda made it. I feel cheated.

Beastie Boys say, "I'll kick you outta my home if you don't CUT THAT HAIR!"

2008-03-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

Reports are surfacing that at the NFL owners meetings in Florida next week, the league is going to propose a "No Long Hair" rule for players, which might turn into a somewhat bushy problem for Troy Polamalu.

Couldn't they just name the rule 'The Polamalu Rule'? I mean, who do they think they're kidding?

Though there could also be some consideration given for calling it the 'Al Harris Rule' or the 'Mike McKenzie Rule', though neither of those guys have been *tackled* by their hair the way Polamalu has.

There is some precedence in this area - when they instituted a new rule a couple of years ago: 'The Horse-Collar Rule'. They couldn't have named that rule after Roy Williams? After all, the genesis of the rule was *clearly* due to #31's predilection for grabbing a guy by the shoulder pads and riding him like a toboggan into the ground.

Why couldn't they have called it the Roy Williams Rule? Who would that be hurting? I'd get a big kick out of it, and Roy couldn't possibly complain, as the following pictures conclusively demonstrate:

But don't expect the NFL owners to be creative enough to call this 'The Polamalu Rule', just like you shouldn't expect to see Troy (or any other NFL player) to get tackled by their hair again any time soon.

---JohnnyU

Supah-Genius

2008-03-27T09:12:00.000-07:00

Candidate for the Darwin Awards, for sure...

Story can be found here

Wed Mar 26, 10:02 PM ET

CHICAGO - An alleged thief wasn't fazed when workers at a Chicago muffler shop told him a safe he wanted to rob wasn't open. He just asked them to give him a call when their boss returned with the combination.

The 18-year-old got a call. But so did Chicago police.

When Ruben Carate returned to Velasquez & Sons Mufflers For Less on Monday, plainclothes Chicago police officers shot and wounded him in the leg. Carate was charged Tuesday with attempted armed robbery and aggravated assault of a police officer, the Cook County state's attorney's office said.

"He gave us his phone number when we told him we didn't have any money. He told us to call him back when the owner came back with the money and he was going to come back and rob him," said worker Tony Diaz.

"It's pretty funny now, but it wasn't at the time," Diaz said.

A masked man entered the shop with a gun and demanded money around 8 a.m., said mechanic Jose Sida.

Employees told him they carried little cash and couldn't open the safe, so the man left two numbers to call when the owner came in, Sida said.

"No one could make this up," said police Lt. Scott Schwieger.

The man returned around noon, wearing the same mask and clothing. Officers told employees to get to the back of the shop, Sida said.

Carate was treated at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center for a gunshot wound, said Mark Payne, a spokesman for the Independent Police Review Authority. An inquiry into the shooting will take six months to complete, he said.

UCLA is Good... and Lucky...

2008-03-24T22:48:00.001-07:00

There's been a lot of hullaballoo about the end of the UCLA-Texas A&M game, and whether or not A&M's Donald Sloan (who took the last shot) was fouled on the play. Now, I'm actually a Bruin alum, so I'd love to believe that there was no foul (ALL BALL!), but after looking at these pictures, it's hard to keep the faith in that respect.

He may have brushed his arm slightly...

This was probably not a foul, because
Josh Shipp didn't use BOTH hands?

Not Fun Things Happen on March 24...

2008-03-24T22:34:00.001-07:00

--- ::: ON THIS DATE IN HISTORY ::: Apparently, March 24 is a rough day for bridges and tunnels, because a pair of disasters around those structures happened on this date (albeit 62 years apart, but still).

March 24, 1932: Twenty members of a touring party of Roller Derby skaters and support personnel are killed when their bus blows a tire, crashes into a bridge abutment and explodes in flames outside Salem, Illinois, The barnstorming troupe was en route from St. Louis to Cincinnati for another performance by the increasingly popular Derby, founded in 1935 by Leo Seltzer in Chicago. The horrific inferno nearly puts the enterprise out of business, but replacement skaters will be signed and Roller Derby will prove to be a durable sporting attraction.

March 24, 1999: The Mont Blanc Tunnel is a road tunnel in the Alps under the Mont Blanc mountain, linking Chamonix, France and Courmayeur, Italy. On March 24, 1999, a truck carrying a cargo of flour and margarine caught fire in the tunnel. The margarine load in the trailer was the equivalent of 6,000 gallons (23,000 liters) of oil and caused the fire to burn for 56 hours and reach temperatures of over 1,832°F (1,000°C). The blaze claimed 39 lives. There were 51 people trapped inside the tunnel after the blaze began, and the 12 people who survived all said the same thing: "That guy on the motorcycle saved my life". It was Pierlucio Tinazzi, a security guard employed by the Italian side. His job was to ride up and down the tunnel to see that everything was running smoothly. He was on the French side at the time emergency services had given up. He donned breathing equipment and rode into the tunnel on his BMW K75 motorcycle. He was in radio contact with the Italian side for over an hour before succumbing to the intense heat. He died inside the tunnel. His BMW melted into the pavement after he dragged an unconscious truck driver to behind a fire door. A commemorative plaque at the Italian entrance honors his heroism.

---JohnnyU

News & Notes from Day 1 of March Madness

2008-03-21T10:33:00.000-07:00

I'm assuming that you saw Duke's Gerald Henderson take the ball coast-to-coast with about 20 seconds left in the 4th quarter and the Blue Devils trailing 15-seed Belmont? Shades of UCLA's Tyus Edney going 94 feet against Missouri back in 1995? That's the very first thing I thought of when I saw that happen.
Dammit, I DEMAND to know who snuck into my Yahoo account and changed my Purdue-Baylor pick? I never, EVER would have actually picked Baylor, would I?! And whoever you are, Anonymous Vandal, did you have to really have Baylor going to the Elite 8? That wasn't cool. What did I ever do to you?
I thought it was very sportsmanlike and generous of Marquette coach Tom Crean to decide not to study any film whatsoever of Kentucky guard Joe Crawford. It seemed to me that the kid was left completely uncovered and absolutely torched Marquette - he had, ironically, a very Dwyane-Wade-esque line of: 35 points, 5 rebounds, 2 assists. The last time a guy had that unfair of an advantage on a basketball court, Billy Madison was playing on a 6-foot hoop against 3rd-graders.

I should at least *mention* that, even with Crawford earning himself ten years worth of NBA paychecks with that one first-round game in the NCAAs, that Marquette still managed to hold off Kentucky. So maybe Tom Crean's strategy to not guard the opponent's best player paid off in the end, yes?
Hey, Phil Martelli?! Frankenstein called, he wants his skull back.
For all of you people who picked Georgia and thought you were so smart for about 39 minutes on Thursday when the Dawgs were rolling over Xavier, how now Brown Cow? It serves you right for picking a team that finished in LAST PLACE in the SEC this season, but got hot and put it all together for three days during the SEC tournament. Even Gerry McNamara and the Syracuse Orangemen of 2006 are mocking you.

STATITUDES:

11: This would have been UCLA's margin of victory over Miss. Valley State if they had not taken a single shot in the second half. They could have scored ZERO points after halftime and still won by eleven.
11: Winthrop scored 11 points in the second half against Washington State. They were tied 29-29 at halftime, and Winthrop finished the game with just 40 - not only that, but they needed a late 3-pointer just to get those 11 second-half points. Are the Cougs for real?
1946: That was the year that a team last scored only 29 points in an NCAA tournament game, like the Miss. Valley State Delta Devils did against UCLA on Thursday.

Mad About the Madness

2008-03-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

You know, it's strange how it feels as though the entire country is waiting with bated breath for the NCAA Tournament to tip off - everyone is in an office pool, concocting ways to catch glimpses of the games at lunch or from their work computers - and then you see the Xavier-Georgia game on TV, and when the camera does a cutaway, you see tens of fans littering the seats.

Seriously, the arena was like three-quarters empty.

What's wrong with the fans in D.C.? They don't like March Madness? What on earth is going on out there?

It's a shame, too, because you know that with Kansas-Portland State getting out of hand quickly, they didn't have much choice but to show UGA-Xavier.

March Madness deserves better.

---JohnnyU

Tip a Shamrock Shake for Me

2008-03-17T07:13:00.000-07:00

The shamrock: The Druids of the British Isles believed that four-leaf clovers, which are rare, enabled people to see witches and evil spirits. When trying to convert the Irish to Christianity, St. Patrick used the three-leaf clover to demonstrate the three branches of the Holy Trinity.

The parade: On March 17, 1762, in New York City, a group of Irish soldiers serving in the English Army were on their way to a tavern when, on a whim, they started marching. With banners raised and drummers drumming, their spontaneous display delighted onlookers and began a tradition that evolved into the St. Patrick’s Day Parade.

Matt Leinart Looks Happy

2008-03-14T17:02:00.001-07:00

I would very much like it if someone could please explain to me what Matt Leinart is doing in this photo:

And, I should mention that Dude apparently doesn't know how to knot a tie; yet, somehow I still don't think Leinart has a lot of trouble getting ladies' attention.

Regardless, that photo makes about as much sense as this one:

---JohnnyU

JaMarcus Nearing Three Bills?

2008-03-11T20:00:00.000-07:00

I thought this was a terrific item, if for no other reason that it brings to light one of the best nicknames I've heard in a while - namely: "The Lord of the Ring-Dings".

===================================

Kudos to the reader who pointed out to us a riveting nugget buried in a free-agency review from Don Banks of SI.com.

Per Banks, there are rumors that Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell is closing in on 300 pounds.

Three. Hundred. Pounds.

He's officially listed on the team's web site at 255.

If Russell is indeed up to 300 pounds, he'd take over the crown of heaviest NFL quarterback from Giants backup Jared Lorenzen, who is listed at 285.

Then again, if the Lord of the Ring Dings is officially listed at 285, our guess is that he's already north of 300.

===================================

(A big thank you to my friend Ed, who brought this blog item to my attention. I admire Ed for two reasons: (1) he has a lightning-quick wit and knows how to make people laugh, and (2) he looks like an odd hybrid, or bastard love-child, of Egon Spengler from 'Ghostbusters', Paul the dorky kid from 'The Wonder Years', mixed in with a little dash of Beaker from 'The Muppets'.)

Worst NFL Free Agent Signing So Far?

2008-03-10T17:33:00.000-07:00

Can we talk for a second about the crazy jack that NFL teams are throwing around to free agents in this offseason?

It's unbelievable, really. You could make an argument for Tommie Kelly signing for $50 million from the Raiders despite the fact that he's rehabbing from an ACL injury.

Is that the worst free agent signing so far?

I would argue No.

You could also make a case for it being Bernard Berrian - the ex-Bear who jammed the WR-desperate Vikings for a 6-yr, $42M deal that includes $16M in guaranteed kaysh. This for a guy who has never had a 1,000 yard season in his career.
I almost opted for Cleo Lemon, who guided the Dolphins to an historically bad season, and came within a Greg Camarillo overtime miracle of posting the first 0-16 season in NFL history - and Cleo squeezed the Jags for a 3-year deal for $9M. Nine million for Cleo Freaking Lemon?! Is he any better than a practice-squad player for them?

Lord, thank you for my meager skills. They've made me a rich man.

But for my money (which it's NOT, thank God) the worst free-agent signing this year goes to the Raiders: how can Oakland justify paying Javon Walker in essence a three-year, $27 million contract, with $16 million guaranteed, when he's missed like 10 games per year for the last three seasons?

Another way to look at this is that Walker is getting more money than Randy Moss got from the Pats (3 years, $27M, but only $15M guaranteed for Moss compared to $16M for Walker).

If you needed any further proof that Al Davis died in, like, 1996 and they have been using an animatronic puppet for him ever since, this would be it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go slap the sh1t out of my parents for not giving me talented-enough genes to play pro football for a living.

---JohnnnyU

Hail... to... the... Redskiiiiins!

2008-03-07T22:18:00.001-08:00

From the "Are You Friggin Kidding Me" File comes this report: According to ProFootballTalk, the Washington Times is reporting that the Redskins have re-signed special teamer (and third-string RB) Rock Cartwright to a 3-yr, $3.55 million deal.

Is someone yanking me here or what? Now, Cartwright may have one of the all-time great football names - but $1M+ per year for a dude who had TWO CARRIES for ZERO YARDS during the 2007 season?!

I must be missing something here - maybe Rock has other talents that we don't know about? Perhaps he entertains the kids with balloon animals at the team 4th of July barbeque? Maybe he has secret photos of Skins owner Daniel Snyder wearing ladies' bloomers?

Or maybe Rock's agent just realized what the rest of the NFL (and especially guys like Brandon Lloyd and Antwan Randle-El) has known for a long time: that The Daniel has way more money than sense.

\

Dracula's Castle For Sale?

2008-03-05T14:37:00.001-08:00

If you've got a spare $77 million lying around in your couch cushions, you may want to check into buying Vlad the Impaler's original castle, dating from the 14th century. It turns out the castle is for sale by the real Dracula's distant descendants.

I think living in a tourist attraction that not only brings in nearly a half-million visitors a year, but is also a place that's more than 600 years old, might present some unique challenges.

It might be a good place for Brad and Angelina to raise their burgeoning brood. I'll drop their agents a quick note. Come to think of it, they probably read my blog.

---JohnnyU

This Pilot is a Friggin' Stud

2008-03-03T16:12:00.000-08:00

No idea how the pilot of this A320 Airbus in Hamburg managed to keep this thing from rolling over from the vicious crosswind, but this is one of the sickest things I've ever seen.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=ddb_1204404185

Can Someone Please Help Me?

2008-03-03T13:45:00.000-08:00

Because I am confused...

Happy Leap Day

2008-02-29T10:24:00.000-08:00

THE ORIGIN OF LEAP YEAR

Pope Gregory XIII devised the 365-day calendar in 1582, based on how long it takes Earth to orbit the Sun. But it actually takes closer to 365.25 days. So the pope’s people added an extra day of the year every fourth February to compensate for the discrepancy. Want to be even more accurate? Earth circles the Sun in exactly 365.242199 days. To make up for that discrepancy, Leap Year is skipped every three out of four century years not divisible by 400 . . . so 2000 was a leap year, but 1900, 1800, and 1700 weren’t.

Rumors From the NFL Combine

2008-02-26T09:23:00.000-08:00

I found some great bits of news on a football message board - though I should stress that none of this information is official, confirmed or vouched for accuracy:

Look for veteran Billy Volek's name to surface in Atlanta. Even though they'll likely draft a quarterback 3rd overall, they need a veteran to start fresh and keep the seat warm. Volek is favorite of owner Arthur Blank, who offered him a deal once before to back up Michael Vick, but instead he went back to Tenneessee.
Look for Byron Leftwich's name to possibly surface in San Francisco. Martz thinks he can re-energize him and Alex Smith's support in the Bay Area is on life support.
Carolina wide receiver Keary Colbert is also very interested in playing the slot for Martz. His agent confirmed that to us.
Kansas City is interested in quarterback Brian Brohm and have talked to his agents
Oakland is clearly looking for D-Line help and it appears their relationship with Tommie Kelley is close to over.....The Raiders staff has been told that this year they will be rebuilding both the offensive and defensive lines in the draft....They also don't see running back Lamont Jordan coming back in Oakland.
Tatum Bell and Julius Jones have been linked to Tennessee, Tampa Bay and Carolina
Baltimore appears ready to admit defeat and they will rebuild the offensive line. They feel that last year was an aberration because of injuries and they realize that they still have enough on offense to win, with even Kyle Boller, but their offensive line has gotten awfully porous lately.
Marcus Stroud's longevity is clearly in doubt. His microfracture ankle surgery is really not responding and there is serious concern that he may never make it back to earn the money he signed for last year. The signing of Grady Jackson for two years was obviously done for this reason. They are also interested in bringing in Rod Coleman for a look see.
In Jacksonville they are excited with the emergence of young linebackers Clint Ingram and Justin Durant, so there is also talk that Mike Peterson days may be numbered....They also would love to pry Laveranues Coles from New York to bring him back home, so don't be surprised if thes two teams dance on draft day....Jax is also in the Justin Smith sweepstakes and has shown interest in veteran free agent wide receivers Bryant Johnson and Dante Stallworth.
Flozell Adams is now getting love from Kansas City, Baltimore and Atlanta
Carolina is still toying with trading Julius Peppers
Arizona is also still considering trading Larry Fitzgerald and there is still smoke around Ocho Cinco's stay in Cincy....I keep hearing that Mike Brown is willing to do something with Chad Johnson if Chad is willing to give back some bonus money pre trade and the new team will give him a new deal.
Tennessee is hot for free agent wide reciever Bernard Berrian and recent cap cut tight Alge Crumpler....Tennessee is not really that hot for running back Tatum Bell, contrary to media reports. They are, however, talking to Julius Jones' folks....Jones and Bill Parcells were spotted eating together Thursday night, which has fueled some rumor mongering that the Miami Dolphins are after him
Also, the Bears are shopping running back Cedric Benson. Good luck finding takers!
Tennessee also seems interested in Texas A&M defensive tackle Red Bryant. He and Albert Haynesworth would be a tremendous tandem
Most scouts think all the good values at wide receiver will be in round two, and few will go in round one now that Malcolm Kelly has pulled out of the combine with a severe quad hematoma. Insider word is he may not be able to work out for 4-6 weeks.
The number of red flagged draftees (injuries) is surprising low this year. That's a good sign....The offensive line talent in this draft is deeper than I thought. Steelers staff said its the best in 25 years, in their opinion.
Ohio State defensive end Vernon Gholston is moving up, as is Virginia's Chris Long....But Auburn's Quentin Groves is really causing a stir here. He met with 49ers' head coach Mike Nolan and told him your going to be sorry you traded the 7th pick for Staley after I run a 4.4 forty! Big Talk, but if he does he will be a top 10 pick for sure.
The New York Jets and Miami Dolphins want to sign Dallas Cowboys free agent tackle Flozell Adams
Wide receiver Javon Walker is rumored to be heading to Tampa Bay.

NFL Scuttlebutt on a Monday Morning in February

2008-02-25T10:30:00.000-08:00

With all the news this week in the world of football, it just goes to prove my previously-posited adage that "there is no off-season anymore".

Let us dip our collective toe into the water to see how it feels:

Adam Schefter, of the NFL Network, reports the Detroit Lions will trade DT Shaun Rogers within the next week. Four teams have shown interest in Rogers, according to Schefter. So, how does this work? Matt Millen wakes up one morning and decides, "What can I do to shake things up? I know! How 'bout if I trade the team's best defensive player for no discernible reason?!" (Clearly I made that thought-bubble up, since Matt Millen would never use the word 'discernible'.) I know Rogers is a big dude, doesn't have huge stamina and so he becomes something of a liability at the end of a 10+ play drive, but I don't see any reason to get rid of him - can't the Lions just get a guy to spell him on third downs when the big fella is sweating like Ted Stryker in the movie "Airplane" and he's sucking in air like a sailfish on the deck of a sport fisherman's yacht? Getting RID of him seems to be a bit reactionary on the part of the Lions, doesn't it?

Clearly, Matt Millen and Isiah Thomas just continue to pass the mantel of "Seriously, what do I have to do to get fired around this place??" back and forth between the two of them. And as soon as one of them does get the boot, Kevin McHale is eagerly waiting to take the guy's place on that mantel.

Vikings OT Bryant McKinnie was arrested early Sunday on several charges, including aggravated battery and resisting arrest without violence. Police say McKinnie participated in a large street brawl outside a strip club hours after being thrown out of another nightclub. McKinnie allegedly spit on a patron at the first bar. All I can say is that if I was a nightclub bouncer, and I was asked to roust the 6'8", 335-lb McKinnie, I'd quit on the spot.

In the "Least Surprising News Item of the Week", New York Jets linebacker Jonathan Vilma has been given permission to shop himself in a trade. With asterisk. According to the Boston Globe, Vilma's camp claims that he's limited to 30 teams, and that the Jets have made it clear that he isn't permitted to shop himself to the New England Patriots.
People in the media are trying to make this into a big story, as if it's somehow a big story that a team won't send a player to their top division rival. In related news, the Steelers still won't trade with the Browns, the Packers and Bears don't do many deals, and Carl Peterson (GM of the Chiefs) doesn't have Al Davis in his cell phone's Fave Five.

---JohnnyU

Life 100 Years Ago

2008-02-23T18:32:00.000-08:00

I thought these were some interesting statistics about life 100 years ago:

The average life expectancy in the United States was 46.
Only 14 percent of American homes had a bathtub. Eight percent had a telephone.
Sugar cost 4¢ a pound, coffee was 15¢ a pound, eggs were 14¢ per dozen.
The cost of a three-minute phone call from Denver to New York City was about $11.
Only 6 percent of American adults were high school graduates. Ten percent were illiterate.
Ninety percent of doctors in the United States hadn’t attended college.

I like that last statistic a lot - so what was the prerequisite for becoming an MD? Just hanging out a shingle and calling yourself 'Doc'?

Also, if eggs were 14 cents a dozen, but a three-minute long distance call was eleven bucks, who the hell would have been able to afford to make phone calls? John D. Rockefeller could make calls to Andrew Carnegie, and that was about it, right?

I guess having a phone around the turn of the last century was like the equivalent of private-jet travel in today's world?

---JohnnyU

Best? Prank? Ever?

2008-02-22T20:17:00.000-08:00

Any time someone says that something is the best prank ever, I usually reach for a can of Pringles and disdainfully close my ears.

But this thing here? It's a whole different can of Pringles.

I don't know how old this is - but I don't ever recall seeing anything about it anywhere. I also have no idea how they were able to get the passers-by to be mic'd up.

It could all be a complete hoax, but it looks pretty real to me.

But then what do I know? I'm not very sharp - I still think that the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync should join forces into a huge boy-band supergroup, and call themselves the Back In Sync Boys.

---JohnnyU

Giants Fans Collectively Hold Their Breath

2008-02-19T09:32:00.000-08:00

Although it's hard to believe that Eli Manning has actually turned into a marketable endorsement commodity, but that Super Bowl performance of his may have pushed Eli into the same hemisphere as his wildly-overexposed older brother, Peyton.

Rumors are swirling this week that Eli is going to be the next cover boy for EA's Madden football franchise.

Is someone yanking me here?

*ELI* Manning is going to be on the cover of Madden '09?! Have I stumbled into an alternate universe of some sort?

Was that one throw to David Tyree in the fourth quarter THAT good? To quote from the article I link to above:

I wonder what's the largest amount of money one athlete has ever made from a single game or single play.

Mike Eruzione's goal was probably quite lucrative (especially since his earnings in hockey from that point on were somewhere around $0). Cedric Ceballos made way too much money after winning the dunk contest, and Buster Douglas's win over Mike Tyson drastically changed his financial future.

I guess my final thoughts on this are: If it's true that there really is a Madden Cover Curse, then (a) Giants fans are collectively having a fuss-fit right now, and (b) the cover subject probably should have been Adrian Peterson - that makes more sense, dontcha think?

---JohnnyU

A Fine Use of the American Judicial System

2008-02-16T22:39:00.000-08:00

This Just In:

An item that certainly should be filed under 'Slightly Stupider Than the Stupidest Thing Ever', a lawsuit was filed by a former St. Louis Rams player who is ticked off that the Patriots allegedly videotaped Rams practices before the 2002 Super Bowl - that the Pats ended up winning 20-17.

NEW ORLEANS (AP) -- A lawsuit filed Friday by a former St. Louis Rams player and others seeks millions of dollars in damages from the alleged taping of Rams practices by the New England Patriots before the 2002 Super Bowl.

The Patriots won the game 20-17 in the Superdome.

The $100 million suit, filed on behalf of former Rams player Willie Gary in U.S. District Court in New Orleans, names the Patriots, team owner Robert Kraft and head coach Bill Belichick.

I have a couple of thoughts about this:

Someone's yanking my cannoli here, right? Right?! Lawsuits like this can't be allowed can they?
Assuming that no one is actually yanking my cannoli, can you at least tell me this: Who the hell is Willie Gary? Maybe instead of suing the Patriots, he should sue his financial planner - for leaving the guy destitute enough to need to file this kind of lawsuit; or maybe he could sue his parents for not giving him enough talent in his genes to sustain a longer career as a professional athlete.'

Just food for thought.

---JohnnyU

I Can Haz Clogged Arteries, Please?

2008-02-15T10:20:00.000-08:00

Check this the hell out: Scottish deep-fried candy bars

Now, before any of you supah-geniuses out there point out that this is a common thing even here in the ol' U.S of A, I'd like to preemptively retort with these two tidbits of information about me:

I typically do not spend a lot of time at county fairs or livestock competitions
I live above the Mason-Dixon Line

Make sure you scroll to the bottom of the page and check out the 'deep-fried pizza'.

---JohnnyU

Sexism Isn't Cool... But I Guess it Used to Be?

2008-02-14T11:26:00.000-08:00

From my Page-a-Day calendar, I found this beauty - apparently these are tips taken from a book (or possibly pamphlet) written and published way back in 1943:

FROM “ELEVEN TIPS ON GETTING MORE EFFICIENCY OUT OF WOMEN EMPLOYEES,” (1943)

• “Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. A girl is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick, and wash her hands several times a day.”

• “Be tactful in issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women can’t shrug off harsh words the way that men do. Never ridicule a woman—it cuts her efficiency.”

• “Give the female employee a definite schedule of duties so that she’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes.”

• “Be considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.”

That's more unintentionally hilarious - while also deplorable and sad - than Sinbad's comedy act (in my own defense, the reason I was watching Sinbad is that is what channel was already on, and the remote control was nowhere to be found and I was too lazy to get up and look for it - it was under the couch or something).

How did employers think this would be a good idea? Although, now that I think about it, this wasn't even the worst kind of short-sighted prejudice going on - after all, in those days plenty of people still actually believed that folks' skin color should determine which drinking fountain they used.

One other gem that I got recently from my Page-a-Day calendar (what would I do in the off-season withOUT that thing?) was this:

In 2005 Canadian Marc Lachance met and fell in love with a Belgian woman named “Sabine” on a Cuban vacation. Sadly, after the trip, he lost her address and phone number. After some extensive research, he found that there were 3,700 women in Belgium named Sabine and planned to contact all of them until he found the right one. When the European media picked up the story, the real Sabine’s brother heard about it on the radio and told his sister. Moved by the act of love, Sabine tracked down Marc’s phone number, called him, and they made plans to reunite.

I have a couple of thoughts on this item:

Nothing good happens when you start with Cuba, then mix in a Canadian guy with a Belgian gal. That's just asking for trouble, even if it's at a Waffle House.
Wasn't this a bad John Cusack/Kate Beckinsale movie a couple of years back? "Serendipity"? I'm thinking it was...

But at least this gives me a good excuse to post a picture of Kate Beckinsale, because Kate Beckinsale = The Hotness.

---JohnnyU

This'n'That

2008-02-12T08:41:00.000-08:00

Some random NFL thoughts on a Tuesday during the off-season:

- What's up with the Dolphins cutting Trent Green, Marty Booker, and a sheaf of other players? The explanation from the team is that they "are trying to clear some cap space to sign free agents". Ohhh-kay. You were already $22 million UNDER the cap to start with, and that got you to a 1-15 season. Now that you're $31 million under the cap, what does that do for you? Maybe if you save ALL the money, and have zero players (or maybe make *them* pay the team to play!) and then the team will really be a money-maker, and they'll only be one win worse than last year. I should be an NFL GM, I think.

-- According to ProFootballTalk, the Ravens - who weren't happy to see super-stud LB Adalius Thomas bolt to the Pats in the last off-season - aren't going to take any chances with semi-stud LB Terrell Suggs. Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome announced that the team would use their franchise player tag on Suggs in order to keep him from walking. Incidentally, Suggs has the same agent (Gary Wichard) as Colts DE Dwight Freeney - and after Indy slapped Freeney with the same franchise tag last year, Wichard negotiated a 6-year, $72M deal for his client that included $30M in guaranteed money.
So, in the words of the stuttering boxing champ in the movie 'Harlem Nights', Terrell Suggs, "you get ready to be a rich [brother]".

-- There is speculation that Pats CB Asante Samuel, fresh off of dropping a sure interception on the final drive of the Super Bowl - an INT that would have sealed a perfect season for the Pats, may be the first DB to sign a $100M contract. Nate Clements signed an $80M deal with the 49ers last year, but Yahoo's Jason Cole thinks that mark is going to be topped this off-season.

"Under the terms of the one-year tender contract Samuel agreed to before last season, the Patriots can't put the "franchise" tag on him again this year, making him an unrestricted free agent this offseason.

That fact was of keen interest to a number of players in action Sunday at the Pro Bowl. The Denver Broncos' Champ Bailey, once the highest paid cornerback in the league, wants to see what Samuel is offered and accepts. Cornerback Marcus Trufant, who is likely to be franchised by the Seattle Seahawks this month, is interested. Finally, budding star Antonio Cromartie of San Diego, who has the size, speed and skill to be the best of all of them, could be talking to the Chargers about an extension in the next couple of years."

-- Apparently there were some murmurs in Honolulu over the weekend that Jerry Jones, who is looking to make a big splash this off-season, wants to work a deal for Cardinals' WR Larry Fitzgerald. According to the secret source, the hyperactive owner wanted to closely observe Fitz at the Pro Bowl, especially to see what the chemistry was like when Fitz was around the numerous (13 in total) Cowboys Pro-Bowlers. Tony Romo did throw a TD pass to Fitzgerald in that game, and with the Cowboys stocked with plenty of tradeable assets (including TWO 1st-round picks in the upcoming NFL Draft), it seems like a very plausible scenario.

My question is: how is Terrell Owens going to feel with a guy like Fitzgerald on the other side, who is probably as good a WR as Owens is - and doesn't drop as many passes? How pissed would T.O. be if #11 became Romo's favorite target instead of #81? T.O. doesn't like to share the spotlight - as evidenced by the sideline interview at the Pro Bowl with him during the 3rd quarter, and T.O. had caught his second TD of the game and predicted that he would be chosen as the game's MVP.

"For a while there, it was looking like T.J. [Houshmandzadeh] would be the MVP. He caught two earlier in the game, but now I've just passed him."

I have two thoughts on this:

1) Sweet irony that MVP ended up being rookie Adrian Peterson (T.O. was nowhere to be seen after the game)

2) I don't know where T.O. attended first grade, but if you have two of something (like TDs), and someone else also has two of something, you haven't "passed them". You're actually tied.

Hope that helps.

---JohnnyU

A Couple of Smiles for February

2008-02-10T10:36:00.001-08:00

I know I've been a bit of slacker since the Super Bowl, but you know me...

Scouring the earth to bring you - my tens of loyal readers - the best from the world of sports, pop culture, and especially the weirdness from the soft underbelly of cyberspace.

Here are a couple of things that I found very entertaining over the last couple of days:

Grape Ape! Grape Ape!

2008-02-06T10:52:00.000-08:00

In 2001 a gorilla in the Pittsburgh Zoo leapt eight feet over a moat and grabbed onto an inch-wide bamboo stem leaning against the enclosure wall. Then she climbed the bamboo like a rope, all the way up the 16-foot wall.

Once she was on the other side, the gorilla began foraging for junk food. (Below is a picture taken by a zoo visitor that shows the gorilla outside of her enclosure). Once free, she raided a concession stand, consuming muffins, pastries, and soda. Resourceful zookeepers finally figured out how to lure her back into captivity: Hershey’s Kisses.
The gorilla was tranquilized and returned to her habitat, and the bamboo was immediately trimmed.

I liked The Great Grape Ape Show, by the way. I think they should film a new version of that, where David Hasselhoff could play the Grape Ape.

Yes, I think it should be live-action, not animated.

---JohnnyU

$2.7 Million for 30 Seconds Doesn't Buy What it Used To

2008-02-05T22:50:00.000-08:00

I'm not trying to steal the USA Today's gig or anything, since they love to rate the Super Bowl commercials, but without having read their annual article, I will say that there were ZERO standout, memorable commercials this year.

Where was this year's Bud frogs? Or Terry Tate the Office Linebacker? The Bud Bowl?

Can a brutha get a decent commercial for $2.7M per 30 seconds?

Apparently not, but I was pleased to see this list of the Top Ten Super Bowl Commercials of All Time (including the infamous 1984 Apple commercial that was only shown a single time).

It made up for the dreadful offerings during this year's game.

---JohnnyU

Football Remission: It's Officially the Off-Season

2008-02-04T13:01:00.001-08:00

While it is true that there "is no offseason in football these days" (I don't know who said that - so I'm not sure why I put quotation marks around it, but I've heard it from someone, so I thought some attribution would be best), but the day after the Super Bowl is always a bit of hangover - both literally and figuratively.

It's going to be a good five months or so before we get the gridiron cranked back up, but let me hit with some good stuff.

CNNsi.com had a great package of the '21 All-Time Dumbest Super Bowl Questions'.

Here they are, in reverse order:

21) Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was asked: "What is your purpose in life?"

20) Bills running back Thurman Thomas was asked how he got psyched for big games. "I read the newspaper and look at the stupid questions you all ask," he replied. He probably spent hours at it because Super Bowl media day is a factory farm of dumb queries.

19) To Cowboy QB Troy Aikman: "Does it seem a little strange answering football questions in a baseball stadium?"

18) For Rams RB Marshall Faulk: "How come you have a podium while all your teammates are forced to stand out here?"
17) For Titans DT Joe Salave'a: "What's your relationship with the football?" (Salave'a's answer: "I'd say it's strictly platonic.")

16) To Raiders QB Jim Plunkett: "Is it your mother who's blind, and your father who's deaf, or the other way around?"

15) To Redskins QB Doug Williams: "So how long have you been a black quarterback?" This is now widely debunked as an urban legend, but the following was asked: "Doug, would it be easier if you were the second black quarterback to play in the Super Bowl?"

14) To Redskins OL Mark May: "How does it feel to block for the first black quarterback in the Super Bowl?"

13) To Ravens LB Ray Lewis: "How long have you been surrounded by thugs?"

12) To 49ers QB Joe Montana: "So why do they call you Boomer?"
11) To Bills LB Cornelius Bennett: "Do you believe you can win?"

10) To Patriots G Heath Irwin: "Would you like to see the AFC win the Super Bowl?"

9) To Cowboys G Nate Newton: "Have you noticed the logo is missing on one side of the Steelers' helmets?"

8) To Rams QB Kurt Warner: "Do you believe in voodoo, and can I have a lock of your hair?"
7) To Cowboys RB Emmitt Smith: "What are you going to wear in the game Sunday?"

6) Broncos FB Detron Smith: "What size panties do you think you'd wear?"

5) To Bills C Kent Hull: "Can I have your pants?"

4) For Rams OT Orlando Pace: "After the game, in the shower, what's your favorite bar of soap?"

3) To Steelers LB Kevin Greene: "How long does it take you to wash your hair?"
2) To Rams DE Jay Williams: "Is Ram a noun or a verb?"

1) To Broncos QB John Elway: "Are you going to listen to Stevie Wonder perform at halftime?"

---JohnnyU

Worst Invention Ever?

2008-02-01T19:41:00.000-08:00

There have been a lot of really bad inventions over the years, many of which you can read about here, but I don't know if I've ever seen anything as stupid as this:

Do you think that, when they ship the Hawaii Chair to you, they include some Dramamine and a certificate for a complimentary vertigo treatment?

By the way, in case you were wondering (and I doubt you were) why I've not blogged about the Super Bowl at all, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that there is so much overkill with the current amount of coverage - I didn't want to add my voice to the other effluvia.

Plus, I think you all should commend me on how I've completely avoided the topic of Britney Spears's committal to a mental hospital - with particular focus on avoiding any mention of the fact that Brit-Brit has been classified by the UCLA Medical Center as 'Gravely Disabled' (or G.D. for short) which means the patient is unable to take care of basic needs, such as the acquisition of food, clothing or shelter.
I don't want to pile on Britney in her darkest hour, so I won't even mention that anyone who saw her MTV Awards performance would attest to the fact that Britney does not have any problem "acquiring food".

So I'll just stop before I mention any of that.

---JohnnyU

First He Copied Japanese Directors, Now It's Sean Penn

2008-01-30T20:09:00.000-08:00

While I certainly do appreciate his movies, Quentin Tarantino has always seemed a little douchebaggy to me - if you have any question in your mind about this (or whether 'douchebaggy' is a real adjective), be sure to check out Q's acting in the final vignette of 'Four Rooms'.

If you still aren't convinced, check out his act in this clip shot at Sundance recently.

I don't think anyone likes paparazzi, but if you're famous you just need to tolerate it.

Hey, I wouldn't be in that good of a mood either if I was responsible for 'Grindhouse', but this is ri-cork-ulous.

---JohnnyU

Canadian Police Aren't Messin' Around

2008-01-28T18:09:00.000-08:00

You know the old saying about a "Canadian Mounty always gets his man"?

I never gave any thought to that before I saw this clip of some Toronto cops confronting some knife-wielding nut in the street and instead of putting any of the cops at risk of getting shanked, they just hit the dude with a cop car repeatedly until he finally submits.

To repeat, they use a CAR as a makeshift battering ram - not against someone in another car, but against a guy on foot walking in the street!

If this was any crazier, it would be roughly equivalent to Britney Spears before her daily dose of Risperdal.

---JohnnyU

I Already Know I'm a Kook; I Don't Need it Pointed Out to Me

2008-01-26T19:24:00.000-08:00

Dwight Howard is a beast - every time I see that guy play, first of all I can't believe he's only 21. I seriously doubt the Magic would trade him for any player in the league.

Maybe LeBron - but perhaps not even him.

I think the guy is going to be ripping up the NBA for the next decade, and it will be a joy to watch.

I only have one complaint, and that is this: I don't like his jersey number.

You don't need to tell me that I'm a loser for thinking about things like this - but every time I see #12 on his jersey, it looks out of place to me.

A guy that size shouldn't have a small number like that. He should have a number in the 30s, 40s or 50s, right?

Additionally, a jersey with #12 on it makes me think of quarterbacks, and that translates to a point guard on the basketball court. Big guys shouldn't have small numbers.

Don't even get me started on Kevin Garnett wearing #5 as a Celtic.
Speaking of wearing low numbers, in case you ever wondered why baseball pitchers never wear single-digit numbers, check out this strong article on that topic.

I said that I only had ONE complaint about Dwight Howard, but actually that's not true - I thought of another. Not a big fan of the fact that D-Ho has started hanging out with porn stars. Wasn't he supposed to be all wholesome and stuff? What's he doing leaving tickets at Will Call for a walking venereal disease?

That makes less sense than watching 'Pulp Fiction' edited for network TV, and makes even less sense than eating unsalted trail mix.

---JohnnyU

He Must Have Been 'Giving Him the Business'

2008-01-24T10:50:00.000-08:00

It's too bad that there is a two-week gap between the championship games and the Super Bowl, because that's a lot of time to fill with useless stories.

Unfortunately, the rumor mill is so rapacious that the media will search for anything they possibly can and use it as grist.

Perhaps you saw the story about Giants' DE Osi Umenyiora, who is a little hacked off at Pats' offensive lineman Matt Light. Osi is claiming Light played a little dirty a few weeks ago, when the two teams met during Week 17.

“It was a war out there, and to be honest with you, I’m not quite sure that he thought he was going to see me again because of some of the things he did and said during that game. But, you know, unfortunately he does have to see me again.”

Even though there are dozens of these little subplots and mini-dramas that surround every Super Bowl, this one caught my attention because it immediately reminded me of Ben Dreith, the referee who flagged a guy for a personal foul in a Bills-Jets game back in the 1980s, and said that the offending player was "giving him the business".

Awesome, and if you've never seen the clip you must check it out.

This led to an homage from another ref years later, who was officiating an NCAA game.

I like how the crowd responds with an uproar of laughter after the announcement is made.

This, of course, made me think of the infamous NBA moment when Reggie Evans yanked on Chris Kaman's junk in the middle of a game. He was *definitely* giving him the business.

And then, finally, I was forced to recall the photo of English soccer villain Vinnie Jones (who has now gone to act in films like 'Snatch', 'Gone in Sixty Seconds' and 'Euro Trip'), assaulting an opponent. He clearly has malice in his heart, as you can see by the look on his face, and the expression of his hapless is victim is priceless.

Why does my mind work like this? How did we end up here?

I'm a little ashamed of myself, so I better stop right there, because I don't like the direction this is heading.

---JohnnyU

Will Jay-Z Have to Sell the Nets?

2008-01-22T11:32:00.000-08:00

This is a juicy bit of scuttlebutt: Recent reports out of Las Vegas have rap mogul (and co-owner of the New Jersey Nets) Jay-Z losing a $500,000 hand of poker. Sounds like Jay-Z got a little frisky with an overpair (pocket Queens) and got stacked by a Las Vegas pro who probably couldn't believe his good fortune.

"Mediatakeout.com is reporting that Jay-Z lost more than 500k in a high stakes poker game in Las Vegas.

A source at the game told the website: "It was supposed to be a friendly game with everyone betting only [a few hundred dollars] a hand ... Jay Z was down only about [a thousand dollars] when he raised [another player] $500,000. It was a bold move for Jay Z - unfortunately his pair of queens didn't beat [the other player's] flush." The source added, "There were professionals at the table, he really should have known better than that."

You can get the link here, though I think I already block-quoted the entire thing above.

This raises a couple of interesting questions: (1) If we assume that the story is true and not some unsubstantiated rumor, considering that Jay-Z is worth an estimated $500 million, how upset would this really make him?

An even better question, (2) Considering that Jay-Z goes home to Beyonce every night, how upset would this really make him?

That's what I thought.

(A third question might be: Why is Jay wearing two watches in the picture above?)

---JohnnyU

Happy Birthday, Dr. King

2008-01-20T22:37:00.000-08:00

Some Things You Might Not Know About Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

• Birth records incorrectly list his first name as Michael

• King graduated high school at age 15 and got his Ph.D. in theology when he was just 25.

• The campaign for a federal holiday honoring King began with Stevie Wonder’s 1980 hit song “Happy Birthday.” The holiday was first celebrated in 1986.

• Dr. King had an antagonistic relationship with the FBI, especially with J. Edgar Hoover - who seemed bent on digging up dirt on the popular civil rights leader. The efforts, which focused on attempting to prove that King was a communist, were unsuccessful.

Happy Birthday, Dr. King.

---JohnnyU

Colts New Stadium

2008-01-19T17:18:00.001-08:00

I thought that this photo tour of the construction of the Indianapolis Colts' new stadium was pretty cool - you don't often get to see these kinds of things until the finished product is ready.

Unfortunately, the name of the Colts' new building will instantly replace the Ravens' M&T Bank Stadium as the worst stadium name in the NFL.

What is it going to be called, you ask?

Lucas Oil Stadium.

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Good luck with that, Indy. Did Lucas Oil outbid 'Uncle Goober's Likker 'N' Sundries'? That's a horrible name for a stadium, and this is coming from a guy whose home NFL park is called 'Monster Park'.

---JohnnyU

I LOL'ed

2008-01-18T09:46:00.000-08:00

Friday Funny:

(from a language school commercial)

My Predictions for Football in 2008

2008-01-16T13:49:00.000-08:00

Now that the college football season is complete, and NFL is only a couple of weeks from joining their amateur brethren cloaked in mothballs for the long offseason, I thought it would be worthwhile to take a look *ahead*.

Enough with the looking back.

It's time to gaze down the murky road ahead, a road that is shrouded in mist and replete with various hidden pitfalls.

Am I the best person to predict the future? If not me, who? Of course, I'm the best person for the job - how dare you impugn my credentials.

Here then, are a few things I think you can take to the bank (at least in the football world), in 2008.

Ohio State will once again fatten up on overmatched out-of-conference opponents who have nicknames like: the Zips (from Akron) and the Penguins (Youngstown State). Then, to stay consistent with their M.O. of recent years, after not testing themselves whatsoever during the regular season, they'll get run off the field in their bowl game by some team from the SEC - I'm thinking Vanderbilt... maybe in the Poulan Weed-Eater Bowl, sounds about right.
Derek Anderson of the Cleveland Browns will blossom into a bonafide star, a'la Tony Romo. He'll throw for 4,200 yards, 38 TDs, and then sign a fat extension with the team.
As a response to this development, Brady Quinn will visit a local hair salon to get his tips frosted.

Bill Belichick will abandon his cut-off hooded sweatshirt while coaching on the sidelines and instead will opt for a mesh muscle-T.
Lindsay Lohan will bypass the next seven levels of her career implosion fame shame-spiral and just skip straight to doing soft-core porn flicks which will air in continuous rotation on late night Cinemax.

(Please note the stylish lo-jack monitoring
anklet she's got on there. It's THE stylish
accessory to have in Hollywood for 2008.)

(I know that last one really has nothing to do with football, but you didn't actually think I'd be able to do a straight, 100% football blog post, did you? I didn't think you thought that.)

---JohnnyU

I Heart the NFL Playoffs

2008-01-13T21:19:00.000-08:00

Reason #725 Why I Don't Gamble on NFL Games:

San Diego 28
Indianapolis 24 (Final)

The Colts were favored by 8 in this game, and the underdog Chargers went on the road in a very tough building and, after starting the game without their star TE, then losing their star RB and their sub-par quarterback, they pull out a win against the defending Super Bowl champs.

That's harder for me to understand than Amy Winehouse's popularity.

Reason #726 Why I Don't Gamble on NFL Games:

New York 21
Dallas 17 (Final)

So, can someone explain this to me in small, three-syllable (or less) words? Eli Manning is now an elite quarterback who can win on the road in the playoffs? Normally, at this point I'd attempt to say something witty yet caustic about what Eli is going to face next week at Lambeau, except Eli would probably make me look foolish if I did that - just like he made all the gamblers look foolish who loaded up against him this week when the G-Men were getting 7.5 points against Wade's Gang.
Though, I will say that - no matter what Eli does against the Pack - the Giants' defense is going to have a tough time dealing with a big, physical Green Bay offensive line, and that Brett Favre should pick the NY secondary apart.

Zoinks, Scooby! I hope I didn't just jinx the Pack there.

---JohnnyU

From the "That Can't Be Right, Can It?" File:

2008-01-10T20:30:00.000-08:00

I know that there have been countless people in the media tripping over themselves to slobber all over the 2007 Patriots, and far be it from me to continue that trend (yes, you are right by the way - by counting myself as a member of the media, I'm probably playing pretty fast-n-loose with the word 'media'. So I might not be an actual media member, but I am a member of the blogosphere).

Anyway, I wasn't ready to anoint the Pats as members of that mythical pantheon of the best offensive teams of all time - units like the 1999-2000 Rams, the 1994 Niners, the 2004 Colts and the 1998 Vikings that exist in some rolled-up, shadowy transom of my mind - tucked away and forgotten about like that phone number you got off that marginally-attractive-but-trampy coed that you hooked up in Cabo during Spring Break some years back, and then promised to call her, even though you knew that would turn into a lie as soon as the Coronas wore off.

"Tom, do you mind if we just get you out of this sweaty jersey? It looks too small for you anyway. What do you wear? A Youth Medium?"

In that same way, I may not have thought much about those old teams in a while, but I certainly was not ready to count the Pats as their equals.

Good thing, too, because now that I see this, the Pats seem to be better than ALL of those teams. Think I'm hitting the Coronas too hard right now? Here's some proof:

Did you know that the 2007 Patriots scored a TD on 43% of their offensive possessions this season? That's more ridiculous than the new "American Gladiators".

To put that into perspective, that insane 2000 Rams team scored a TD on only 35% of its possessions. The 2004 Colts (the team on which Peyton Manning tossed a then-record 49 TD passes) got in the end zone less than 37% of the time.

I don't love the Patriots, and I really can't stand those sweatshirts that Bill Belichick cuts the sleeves off of, but one has to admire their efficiency.

"Coach, I don't know exactly which look you're trying to achieve
with that sweatshirt, but whatever it is, it's not workin'."

---JohnnyU

I Can Relate to This...

2008-01-08T09:16:00.000-08:00

In 2002, a woman named Barbara Hewson arrived in Los Angeles, after an 11-hour flight from Wales, with torn leg muscles, internal bleeding in her chest, and nerve damage.

Hewson sued Virgin Atlantic, claiming to have been crushed by the obese woman sitting next to her. The woman was so large, she said, that she couldn’t fit into her seat without removing the armrest, effectively sitting on top of Hewson. And when she complained, attendants told her to “ask if another passenger would exchange seats.” (Nobody would.)
In response to Hewson's initial complaint, the airline sent her a $22 basket of canned goods.

A judge awarded her more than $20,000 in cash.

My plane travels in the last week have made me tremendously sympathetic to this poor woman's plight. Though I didn't suffer internal bleeding or nerve damage, there was a woman in the row behind me who seemed intent on inflicting her tuberculosis or whooping cough on the rest of her fellow passengers.

I also wanted to explain to the people around me that the universal rule is: The guy in the middle seat gets BOTH armrests. No exceptions, no negotiations.

----------------------

I was dismayed to learn that the highest-grossing sports movie of all time is [wait for it]... "The Waterboy"? An Adam Sandler movie is the top-grossing sports movie of all time? Though my sadness was mitigated somewhat by the knowledge that - when adjusted for inflation - "Rocky" has actually taken in more dollars.

----------------------

If you need a chuckle, check out Esquire magazine's collection of the Five Most Unconventional Police Arrests. It's a smile.

---JohnnyU

On This Day in Sports History

2008-01-07T09:44:00.000-08:00

=======================

January 7, 2001

Lining up for a 36-yard field goal to give the Tennessee Titans the lead in the fourth quarter of their AFC Divisional Playoff game against Baltimore, place kicker Al Del Greco could hardly envision the game-changing play set to unfold. His kick is blocked and run back 90 yards for a touchdown by Ravens safety Anthony Mitchell, propelling Baltimore to a 24-10 victory. Despite Tennessee's wide advantage in the stats - 23 to 6 in first downs, 317-134 in total offense and 40-20 minutes in time of possession - Baltimore's defense carves out the victory in Nashville. The Ravens will go on to beat Oakland for the AFC title next week and then rout the New York Giants in the Super Bowl. [soure: Page-a-Day Calendar]

======================

I remember that game against the Raiders the following week - that was the game in which Tony Siragusa sacked Rich Gannon, but then for good measure did a *belly-flop* on a prone Gannon, knocking the QB out of the game and sealing Oakland's fate.
Siragusa, who was a biscuit short of four bills, always denies that he did that deliberately in an attempt to hurt Gannon, but I don't believe that for a moment.

---JohnnyU

"A Twistin' Triple?! Are You Qualified for That?"

2008-01-04T15:20:00.000-08:00

I've been taking a little ski vacation this week, so I thought I would take a moment to point out a couple of immutable truths that I've observed the last few days while spending time on the slopes:

Any guy wearing a ski jacket in which White is the predominant color, is making a definite statement. And I don't think it's a statement any man wants to be making.
For some reason, any girl in full snowboard gear instantly becomes 22% hotter. A team of physicists at M.I.T. is currently studying this phenomenon.
Because I watched "Hot Dog... The Movie" (1984) about two hundred times during a misspent youth, every single time I get off the gondola the uber-cheesy '80s anthem
"Nothin' Feels Quite Like the Top of the Hill" runs through my head, no matter how many times I've tried to do something to change this unfortunate eventuality.

---JohnnyU

Andy Roddick is Man-Candy, Apparently. I Didn't Realize...

2008-01-02T21:20:00.001-08:00

I've never paid much attention to Andy Roddick. He's no Andre Agassi. He's no Pete Sampras. Hell, he's not even a Michael Chang.

Roddick has always struck me as the male version of Anna Kournikova - which is to say, someone who gets discussed more for their looks than for their tennis. (For any of you Texas Hold'em players out there, I like it when people refer to Ace-King as 'the Anna Kournikova' hand - not only are the initials the same, A.K., but also because it "looks good, never wins").

Although, since Roddick has actually WON a tennis tournament in his lifetime, unlike Anna, it's somewhat unfair to compare the two.

Nevertheless, I'm somewhat baffled by the hate that Roddick is receiving from certain circles of fans because he is dating Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker.

But according to The Big Lead, that's precisely what is happening.

Here's a sampling of some of the comments:

* “Is she legal?”

* “You complain that she want a serious gf, but you keep dating the same girl over again: 20 yo blonde swimsuit model. That’s stupidity: doing the same thing over and over again (literally) and expecting similar results. I don’t expect this to last. He should try to date a tennis player. It certainly wouldn’t be a bad idea. At least they understand the game and everything. Ana Ivanovic or Tati Golovin would be good matches I think.”

* “I just have one question what is it with tennis players and models just in general? It has been going on since tennis was practically invented. Is it err like doctors date nurses etc. etc???????”

Besides making the observation that those message-board fans clearly are borderline mentally-challenged, I will answer the first question: "Is she legal?"

Yes, she is - Brooklyn was born in 1987, and since she's already been exploited by a corporate publishing machine like Sports Illustrated, I would say she's most likely wise beyond her years.

Actually, there is one other comment that I have, which is: he DID try dating a tennis player, and that was Maria Sharapova - and that didn't work out any better than his relationship with Mandy Moore. And while both of those ladies are very fetching, Brooklyn Decker is ten pounds of hotness in a five-lb. bag. You decide for yourself.

(By the way, if you think that this blog post wasn't a thinly-veiled excuse to post pictures of attractive ladies, well, you'd be wrong.)

You would also be wrong if you assumed that realizing the young lady below is barely out of her teens and was born the same year 'Teen Wolf' was released, doesn't depress me like all git out. Because those facts do depress me. But I promise that I'll struggle to work through it. That's what Zoloft and therapists are for, no?

---JohnnyU

What Happens in Las Vegas...

2007-12-31T09:59:00.000-08:00

First Britney Spears threatens Paris Hilton with the release of a purported video of Paris frolicking with a Penthouse Pet and now this - it appears ol' Brit found perhaps a MORE punitive measure to hurt Paris rather than releasing the tape: how about unleashing K-FED on her?!

These photos were taken on December 30 at a 'pre-New Year's party' that Paris was getting paid to host at Pure (which is in Caesar's Palace - in case you're not superhip like me and didn't know about these things; I guess it's Nevada state law now that all nightclubs in Las Vegas must have cool, one-word names like Pure, Light, Rain, Taboo, Cake, Mansion, Affliction, Self-loathing, Herpes, Botulism, or Chlamydia).

As you can see below, they are looking pretty cuddly. I think you can imagine what happened later in the evening as they retired to Paris's suite or K-Fed's camper parked on Flamingo Blvd.

Do I think they got together, you ask? Well, it's not like it's that difficult to sleep with Paris Hilton. Technically I'm not even sure you need to say please, or even ask her using words. The conventional wisdom is that all you have to do is snap your fingers on both hands at once and then point downward.

(As a side note, in the picture on the right above, I was stunned that Paris actually looked halfway attractive - which is a big change from how she normally looks, which is like a real-life version of Beaker, who was Dr. Bunsen Honeydew's lab assistant from The Muppets).

If K-FED and Paris end up getting together, would the fabric of the universe collapse in on itself? Could one relationship survive with BOTH parties bringing so little to the table? With no discernible talent/skill/intelligence, combined?

You've got two people who are celebrities simply because of different things they did with their private parts. I knew a kid in the third grade who became famous in the school because of something he did with *his* private parts, but he didn't get to drive a Bentley because of it. In fact, he kind of became an outcast. I don't think Paris and K-Fed should be any different.

---JohnnyU

On This Day in Football History

2007-12-28T15:29:00.000-08:00

1960 - Vince Lombardi Suffers the ONLY Postseason Loss of His Coaching Career

Led by quarterback Norm Van Brocklin (pictured, below) and linebacker Chuck Bednarik (left), the veteran Philadelphia Eagles barely hold off Vince Lomardi's up-and-coming Green Bay Packers, 17-13, to win the NFL title at Franklin Field. After the Packers take a 13-10 lead in the fourth quarter, a 58-yard kickoff return by Fred Dean sets up the winning Eagles touchdown.

The Packers try to respond, but Bednarik tackles Jim Taylor on the eight-yard line as time runs out and the Eagles deal Coach Lombardi his only lifetime loss in the postseason. [source: my Page-A-Day Sports 2007 calendar]

The Packers would win the NFL championship the following year (1961), then again in '62, '65, '66 and '67 - the last two, of course, being the first two Super Bowls ever; which led the Super Bowl trophy to be named, appropriately, the "Lombardi Trophy".
---JohnnyU

The Blind Side

2007-12-26T15:07:00.000-08:00

Hey, YouBeQB'ers,

I've got a great gift idea for you folks - and considering that it's the day *after* Christmas, my timing couldn't be better.

If you haven't read the book "The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game" by Michael Lewis, then I no longer have any respect for you.

You're dead to me, Fredo.

Don't call me at 3am ever again, asking where the money is that you lent me - just forget it.

You really should go buy this book - Michael Lewis is the guy who wrote "Moneyball" and "Liar's Poker" - and "The Blind Side" is better than either of them.

The story inter-cuts history of professional football, talking about how the left-tackle position on the offensive line became one of the highest-paid positions on the field (behind only QB), and why this happened - hence the "evolution of a game".

Finding a possible NFL left-tackle prospect is like striking oil. It's a 'eureka!' moment that doesn't come along very often. Guys that big (> 6;5", > 330 lbs.) are extremely rare. But guys that big who have the foot-speed of a cheetah and the grace of a ballerina are like 1-in-100 million.

So what happens when you find one of those guys wandering the streets, homeless?

The main character in the book is a young man named Michael Oher (pronounced "orr") - a destitute black kid from the worst part of Memphis, Tennessee, who gets transplanted to the richest part of Memphis and plopped down into an evangelical Christian high school.

People who came in contact with Michael in those early years of high school described him as being nearly feral. One teacher said, "He's the poorest person I've ever met in my life, and it has nothing to do with money."

By the time he was a teenager, he didn't know what an ocean was. Never heard of a noun or a verb. Never been to a doctor. Born the son of a crack-addicted mother, he had fended for himself on the streets since he was a toddler.

This is one unbelievable story - and you don't need to be a football fan to be riveted by it. Check it out.

---JohnnyU

Good Thing New York Fans are So Understanding

2007-12-22T16:33:00.001-08:00

You know it's been "that" kind of year this season for the Jets, when WR Laveranues Coles reinjures his ankle while sitting on the rehab table so he can have his ankle worked on, and the training table collapses.

"I had a setback (Saturday) at the hotel," Coles said. "Getting treatment, one of the tables was kind of loose and I ended up falling off the table. Table was loose and it came down on my leg. That set me back a whole lot. Once I got out (on to the field) I just couldn't do it. I couldn't push through it."

This sounds like one of those made-up stories, or maybe some kind of plot device used in 'Three's Company'. Mr. Furley or Jack would have something like this happen to them.

Kind of reminds me of the story released recently of a feud between Britney and Paris - where Britney Spears (allegedly) threatened to release a purported lesbian sex video of Paris Hilton with some Penthouse pet, unless Paris stopped "being mean to her" (in Brit's words).

That story kind of makes my head asplode - it's like some madman squished every tabloid headline together to create some monster Franken-headline.

"Brit, you remembered to not wear underpants
tonight, right? Otherwise, I can't hang out with you."

---JohnnyU

Running with the Bulls, Rally Racing & Tori Spelling

2007-12-21T23:37:00.000-08:00

I've never been one of those people who would dream of participating in the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, just not my cup of tea.

My mother often likes to remind me how many hours she was in labor with me, and it seems like an odd way of showing my gratitude for that sacrifice by voluntarily allowing myself to be gored by a pissed-off 2,200-lb. animal that has been whipped into a frenzy by a clutch of mentally-questionable adrenaline junkies high on Sambuca and greenies.

Why is this on my mind, apart from the fact that I'm the king of the non sequitur?

I actually have a good answer for that: I saw an amazing clip of some rally racing where some super-genius nearly buys it because he's trying to dodge a drifting race car. If this dude isn't a candidate to show up on the Darwin Awards within the next calendar year, then I don't know my business.

Luckiest Rally Car Fan Ever - Watch more free videos

I suppose my point on this whole thing is: are the people who line the course during a rally race people who weren't SMART enough to run with the bulls in Pamplona? Because I would never want to get near an enraged bull that has been teased and tormented to the point it's looking for a piece of somebody... anybody - but I'd *much* rather line up and start sprinting away from Ferdinand than stand next to a village road where some French dude is going to come flying by in his out-of-control Renault that has about a 50-50 chance of turning you into road pizza.

Here's another guy who is insanely lucky (and irretrievably moronic):

And finally, this guy seems to be walking a little funny after this near-death experience, most likely because I'll bet he soiled his underpants and has to walk with a clench until he can get to a restroom.

Madre de dios. Watching those clips makes me queasier than a close-up photograph of Tori Spelling.

To quote Austin Powers, "That's a maaaannn, baby!"

And I'd like to know what the Before and After pictures signify? Before *what*?! Adam's-Apple removal surgery?

I don't think even Bill Clinton would be interested in getting with her. (Actually, I stand corrected - Bill would like to say something):

---JohnnyU

The Sergeant Wants to Buck History

2007-12-20T14:21:00.000-08:00

Kellen Winslow is telling interviewers that the Browns are going to change their uniforms - despite the fact that Cleveland is one of a small handful of teams that have had the same uniforms for decades. Nothing official from the team itself, so I think it's safe to say this is just The Sergeant whistlin' Dixie out of his backside - kinda like how he was saying a couple of years ago that he was the best tight end in the NFL.

You can read the story by clicking this link right here

Don't get me wrong - it's not like I think the Browns' unis are classic things of beauty that should never be trifled with. Honestly, the logo-less orange'n'brown concoctions are about as creative and dynamic as a Carrot Top comedy routine. I just think it would be a shame if all of a sudden the Brownies busted out with, like, turquoise jerseys with lime-green pants. That would be like Carrot Top being on steroids - it just wouldn't make any sense.

---JohnnyU

Emmitt Smith as Forrest Gump

2007-12-18T20:09:00.000-08:00

Hey, I know Emmitt Smith was probably one of the top ten RBs of all time (don't be fooled into ranking him higher just because he has the career rushing record for the moment), but ever since he retired into the analyst's chair Dude has said more ridiculous things than Dan Quayle and made less sense than a Magic 8 Ball.

This YouBeQBlog entry is dedicated to some of Emmitt's greatest hits:

"Adrian Peterson is redefining the way teams defend the running ability."

"The NFC West is probably one of the weakest conferences in the NFC."

and from the same clip, when describing Frank Gore's rushing yards:
"The reason why he didn't get any more is you didn't have enough first downs."

This was a particularly good one: "A leopard can't change his stripes."

"If you want to stay perfect, you cannot go undefeated with a blemish on your record."

When the Cards were about to play the Seahawks for the second time this season Emmitt said: "They have beaten the Seahawks at least once this year"

Emmitt: "Know what, Boom, the words of a good friend Isaac Holt used to say back with the Cowboys, 'I don't believe fat meat is greasy.' So disregard the seven losses that every home team has had this year. I'm going with the Steelers tonight."

Steve Young: "What in the world? I don't know what that means."

I think Emmitt is my new favorite guy, ever. Let's hope ESPN gives him a lifetime contract.

---JohnnyU

When Sky-diving is Too Boring

2007-12-16T20:26:00.001-08:00

When I watch this video, I don't know what to say, except that these guys (a) really wanted to be flying squirrels when they were kids, and (b) they all have balls the size of pumpkins.

Also, to keep the Randomness Quotient high, I thought this link of a film made in 1967 - that was predicting what life would be like in 1999 - was amazingly spot-on.

---JohnnyU

Forget the BCS... What Would Bear Bryant Do?

2007-12-14T13:58:00.000-08:00

Can I pile on the overflowing bandwagon of people who think the BCS system is a bunch of hooey? Is there room for me in the Steerage Class section?

We're now in the dead season, where the top teams wait, like, seven months or something before they play again. What is wrong with doing a 4-team or 8-team playoff?

I'd like to know who exactly would be against this?

If it's a money thing, and the NCAA honks think that there is too much money at stake, imagine how much MORE money they would rake in with a couple more super-top-tier games.

Having the Dr. Scholl's Foot-Odor-That-Smells-Like-Corn-Chips Bowl for one semifinal, and the Loaded Chunky Soup In the Black Can Bowl for the other semifinal - there would be at least another $50 million for the NCAA fat cats to divide up between them.

And best of all?

The championship would actually be decided ON the field, instead of by a computer.

As I learned on www.bcs-sucks.com the final Jeff Sagarin computer poll of the season had Virginia Tech ranked *above* LSU, after LSU not only won the SEC, but LSU played the Hokies, and beat them by 41! What in the name of Keith Jackson's pouch is going on around here?For several Bible-length volumes of truth on the BCS shenanigans, you can go here, here or here.

I have just one message for all the folks in charge of the BCS:

---JohnnyU

Bobby Petrino, Meet Nick Saban... Nick, this is Bobby.

2007-12-12T15:56:00.000-08:00

What's wrong with these NFL coaches who bail on the multi-million dollar paychecks, private-jet-travel and the best athletes in the world in order to jump to college jobs?

Am I insane to think that an NFL job is several orders of magnitude more appealing than an NCAA job?

In the college game, you've got to deal with recruiting, annoying boosters who want to meddle, kids who are also supposed to be full-time students, plus a rules violation around every corner. It seems like a riskier mine-field than open-mouth kissing with Paris Hilton.

(By the way, does Paris have her own venereal disease named after her yet? It's got to be just a matter of time, right? And wouldn't that be a bigger badge of honor than having one's own Wikipedia entry? I'm sure Paris would consider the namesake disease to be more of an honor.)

It looks like Paris has a little itch going on downstairs here. She must have skipped her daily shot of Amoxycillin or something:

Wait a second, did I get side-tracked again? What were we talking 'bout?

Ah, yes. NFL coaches, like Bobby Petrino and Nick Saban, bailing out of traveling on private jets to take college jobs.

Now, I'm NOT suggesting that being an NFL coach would be easy. Getting three hours of sleep a night, getting reintroduced every 24-36 months to the people living in your house ("You say you're my wife? And these are my children? Interesting...") -- I just feel like the NFL is the pinnacle of football coaching, and why voluntarily take a step back.

Unless you really suck at being an NFL coach, that is.

Nick Saban, of course, famously proclaimed - while he was the head coach of the Dolphins - that he would NOT be the Alabama coach.

Then less than a week later, he was introduced as the head guy of the Crimson Tide.

Hmm... maybe Nick forgot that words and images can be recorded now.

I just thought it was interesting that Bobby Petrino wasn't even a full year into his stint with the Falcons before bailing to take the Arkansas job. I guess he felt like the job wasn't as good without Mike Vick there (remember that, when he got hired, Vick was still expected back with the team in 2007).

Oh well, poor Arthur Blank gets screwed over again. Maybe he can go home and sob into his bricks of cash he has lying around.

By the way!

Did you know that, back in 1976, there was another first-year NFL head coach, who quit his job with his team 3-10 (exactly the same as the Falcons are currently) in order to take a college job.

Not only that, but do you know what university this coach quit his NFL job for? That's correct, Arkansas - just like Petrino.

Eerily similar - almost identical circumstances, except for the fact that the NFL teams were different (Jets instead of Falcons).

Do you know who that coach was?

That's right - Lou Holtz.

The story goes that ol' Lou, who had always been a college coach, was lured to the NY Jets because of the big money - and during his first day on the job, he sat down in his office and wrote a team 'fight song' for the Jets, just like they were a college team.

As you can imagine, the professionals in that locker room weren't too stoked on singing a corny fight song - and Lou pulled the Eject rip-cord before the season even finished.

Aren't you glad you read this blog? Admit it, the YouBeQBlog gives you your money's worth.

---JohnnyU

Week 14... We Hardly Knew Ye

2007-12-10T21:28:00.000-08:00

You know, I was very interested to see how badly Tom Brady and the Pats would punish young Steelers DB Anthony Smith after Smith "guaranteed" a victory over the Patriots in W14. Sure enough, they did seem to pick on the poor kid, with at least three TDs (by my count) thrown over #27.

After Brady tossed his first TD to Randy Moss in the back of the end zone, Brady sprinted over to Moss for some huggies, and then he ran over to Smith and bobbed his head while clearly talking all kinds of junk. I desperately wish that Brady had been miked up during that exchange, because I would have loved to hear what he said to Smith.

"I don't care to repeat it, especially if my mother reads it."
- Tom Brady, on what he said to the Steelers' Anthony Smith
after the Patriots' first touchdown.

A couple of other good shots from this weekend:

I like this shot mostly because of the wildly unattractive Bills fan in the background, who appears to have shaved a horizontal stripe in his fur so that he could stencil in the word BUFFALO on his flabby boiler. Dude also seems to
wearing some unfortunate combination of Kermit the Frog
gloves with a Fozzy Bear hat. ("Paging Social Services...")

I'm not gonna lie to you - one of these times, I'm waiting for the situation to occur when a player gets swallowed up after a 'Lambeau Leap' and then doesn't come back. Or possibly comes back without pants or something.

---JohnnyU

Commitment to Scruffiness

2007-12-09T12:28:00.000-08:00

Every time I see Raiders Defensive Coordinator Rob Ryan shown on TV during a game, it makes me chuckle.

Did you ever think you would see an NFL coach looking like THAT? And no matter how you answered that first question, answer this: Is there *any* team in the league that you could possibly imagine this guy coaching for BESIDES the Raiders?

I mean, what would his other options be?

Note to self: need to submit my resume today, several good job possibilities for me:

Greeter/bouncer at tattoo parlor
New Disneyland stage show - extra in a viking scene (bonus for the props I would get: plastic sword and horned helmet)
Oakland Raiders coaching staff

What do you expect from a team that has an anima-tronic corpse in a white track suit as its owner? A commitment to excellence, that's what.

---JohnnyUnitas

Saying Cheese?

2007-12-06T16:15:00.000-08:00

I was interested to see SI.com's list of The Best Smiles in Sports . There were a number of good sets of chompers in there, but my favorite was Tanith Belbin.

I don't know who the heck Tanith Belbin is, but she is definitely one of my favorite athletes (or, at least NOW she is).

I would like to at least ask what kind of a name 'Tanith' is? At the risk of being impolitic, may I assume that one of Tanith's parents has a horrible lisp? And perhaps the nurse at the hospital where she was born mis-heard her mom (or dad) trying to pronounce the name Janice?

I'm trying to think of additional explanations.

Nope. I'm out.

It's somewhat amazing that Tanith was able to recover from the frustration she must have felt as a young child, in the drugstore searching in vain for her name on one of those little license plates. Yet, she fought back from that and ended up becoming a renowned (I'm assuming) athlete of some sort - it looks like she's holding an Olympic medal, so I'm going to guess gymnast or figure skater.

(What's that? Yes, I *AM* too lazy to do fifteen seconds' worth of research on The Internets in order to find out more detail).

One of the Best Smile choices that I did NOT agree with was their selection of tennis player Rafael Nadal as one of the Pearly-White Few.

The guy is a bit scruffy looking, isn't he? Two thoughts come to mind when I look at this picture:

1) Dude seems to badly need bottle of Pert Plus with Conditioning(TM). Looks like he has more split ends than a 400-year old werewolf.

2) As soon as I saw this photo, I was immediately reminded of the movie 'The Road Warrior'... remember the Feral Kid? The little kid with a bladed boomerang who took Toadie's fingers off with a well-timed throw? Doesn't Nadal look exactly like Feral Kid?

By the way, I refused to research Tanith Belbin, but I *DID* go to IMDb to check out the name of Feral Kid - and it turns out that not only was the character in the movie listed in the credits as "FERAL KID", but the actor's name who played him is: EMIL MINTY.

I take back everything I said above about Tanith Belbin's name.

"Emil Minty"?

How would it be going through life with a name that sounds like a snooty French adjective? Or some kind of chef's technique?

---JohnnyUnitas

A Heapin' Helpin' of JohnnyU

2007-12-06T09:39:00.000-08:00

Hi, everyone! I think I'm finally starting to reach a huge readership. My fans have grown exponentially and they now number in the One's (though someday I may have tens of fans). I'm reasonably sure that my mom would read this blog - if she knew how to get on the internet. Let me clear out some stuff that has been cluttering up my 'Blog tickler file' for a while now.

I have NO earthly idea how these guys accomplish some of these things with just a ping pong ball, but this video blows me away. Here's the link if the window below stops working.

One thing that I do know is that it would take a lot of hours with a ping pong ball before you were able to pull this stuff off - and I'm not sure what that says about you. I think it's kind of like being really, REALLY good at bowling or playing pinball. Yes, it's a skill, but by showing your expertise, all you're really telling the world is that you've spent a LOT of your life in a bowling alley. It would kind of be like bragging to your friends that you hooked up with Janet Reno when you were in high school. Even if it's true, it might be something best kept to yourself.

Even former NBA superstar Michael Jordan couldn't help the Miami Dolphins last week. Jordan responded to a request by Dolphin DE Jason Taylor, a friend of his, to give the winless team a pep talk at the Miami training facility last week. The team responded to the motivational speech with a 40-13 home loss to the hapless Jets. (Maybe they should have asked him to suit up; they could have used him in the backfield).

From the "Who Ever Said Chivalry Was Dead?" file, feast your peepers on this dude, who clearly knows how to treat a woman with love and respect. My theory is that he brainwashed her, because if not, they were probably divorced before the film in the camera got developed.

---JohnnyUnitas

Scoring TDs Makes Me Hungry

2007-12-03T13:01:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure T.O. really needed to steal this fan's popcorn, but hey - if you hang around in the back of the end zone during an NFL game, you have to take some risks... you know: getting knocked over by guys the size of compact cars, having some player's sweat hit you in your open mouth, and yes, possibly even getting your snack purloined by a hungry (for attention) wide receiver.

For some reason, this image of T.O. snatching Dude's $9 container of popcorn (the guy doesn't seem too upset about it though) reminded of the scene in the girls-playing-baseball movie "A League of Their Own" when Rosie O'Donnell goes diving into the stands to retrieve a foul ball and comes out not only with the ball but with a fan's hot dog stuffed into her mouth.

Now I'm not going to say anything mean about Rosie (Donald Trump has done enough of that already), but if you're a fan sitting in the front row at a baseball stadium, and Rosie is anywhere in the general vicinity (on the field, in the upper deck, in the parking lot) and you are eating a hot dog, you have to assume that the hot dog is at risk.

I doubt that this Cowboys fan really believed that his popcorn was at risk - which is why I imagine it came as such a big surprise to him. Plus T.O. seemed to waste a lot of it, and I don't think you'd have to worry about that with Rosie, either.

---JohnnyUnitas

My Head is Going to Asplode

2007-12-01T23:05:00.000-08:00

This college football season is too crazy for me to even keep track of anymore. Does *anyone* want the #1 ranking? Are we going to have Vanderbilt vs. TCU in the national championship game?

I can't take it any more.

Missouri and West Virginia get pimp-slapped in their respective conference championships. Where does THAT leave us?

This is ridonkulous.

So in honor of that, I'm going to post a few pictures that should summarize the ridonkulousness of the college football landscape in 2007.

---JohnnyUnitas

Mike Shanahan is Probably a Genius

2007-11-29T21:50:00.000-08:00

No one is saying that Mike Shanahan doesn't know his football. He's still smart, but he's not as much of a genius as he was when he had John Elway, Terrell Davis and Shannon Sharpe. Back then he was REALLY brilliant, for some reason. I can't really understand why his genius has deserted him somewhat now.

But here's a sequence of super-smart decision making from last Sunday's loss to the Bears:

"That fancy-pants Devin Hester thinks he's so

smooth and fast. Well, WE'RE not afraid of him.
We're kicking it to him anyway."

OK, so he runs one back for a TD. But he's not going to do it twice in the same game, that punk. We're kicking it to him again.

"Wait a second! We kicked it to him AGAIN?!"

Perhaps Mike and his coaching staff should have read this sign BEFORE the game, instead of at the end of the game:

---JohnnyUnitas

Eric Mangini, Your Resignation is Accepted

2007-11-28T17:40:00.000-08:00

Want to take a gander at the craziest thing I've ever seen?

Feast your orbs on this:

NFL - Week 13 Point Spreads

NYJ
MIA (-2.0)

Let me get this straight - Miami is *favored* by 2 points over the Jets?!

Are we talking about the same Dolphins team that is 0-11?

The Miami Dolphins - winless through Week 12 - are favored? Really? Have the Vegas sports books been taking crazy pills?

THAT Miami team is *favored* over any team besides the Slippery Rock Teachers College or Immaculate Heart School for the Blind?

Is that more or less crazy than the fact that the Philly fans are ready to induct A.J. Feeley into the Hall of Fame after a 3-interception performance against the Pats last week?

---JohnnyUnitas

Tim Tebow is a Bad Mamma-Jamma

2007-11-28T11:57:00.000-08:00

If Florida Gator QB Tim Tebow is not already your personal hero, then in a few months, after Tim Tebow has won the Heisman, then declares for the NFL Draft, and then gets selected #1 overall by the Miami Dolphins, well I'll bet THEN he'll be your personal hero.

I doubt you need any additional evidence, but just in case you do, here are some more visual clues to help you out.

Only player in college football history to throw for 20 TDs and rush for 20 TDs in the same season

Does not need to "plant-and-throw".
Eat your heart out, Tom Brady.

Pretty much speaks for itself, wouldn't you say?

Humminah-humminah-humminah.
Eat your heart out (again), Tom Brady.

If all that is not enough evidence of the awesomeness that IS Tim Tebow, then you need to check out TimTebowFacts.com , and that should get you to see the light.

My good buddy, MPR, called my attention to that site - and MPR (uber-GatorFan) has already named his first child "TheSwamp", his second child "GatorsBabyGators", and if he has a third child, he will be arm-wrestling his bride, Steph, for the naming rights - which would either be "OBC" (for Ol' Ball Coach - even though Spurrier has lost 6 straight games at South Carolina - oh, the humanity), or the other possible name would be "YaCan'tSpellCitrusWithoutU&T"

My favorite fact from TimTebowFacts.com:

"Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Tim Tebow laughs at Superman for having a weakness."

---JohnnyUnitas

Chris Berman Needs to Upgrade to JC Penney's

2007-11-26T19:46:00.000-08:00

Listen, I fully realize that Chris Berman has made some monumental contributions to popular culture – to name just a few:

(1) Creating some terrific sports nicknames (which didn’t even start getting tired and played until the late 1990s);

(2) Coming up with a phenomenal catchphrase (“He… Could! Go! All! The! Way!”) which has tremendous cross-over potential and has all sorts of utility, including yelling at a buddy who’s trying to throw game at a young lady in a bar;

(3) Stretching the acceptable boundaries of how far a guy with a receding hairline can effectively carry The Combover (which I thought was Zero, but Berman is redefining the boundaries);

Last but certainly not least, (4) Being responsible for probably the greatest ‘snowclone’ line in recorded human history, which is of course: “You’re with me, leather”.

So I have nothing but respect for the guy (obviously) but can anyone please get a message to Berman that he needs to do *something* – once and for ALL – about his hideous ties?! His choices in neckwear are so atrocious that Dude makes Rush Limbaugh look like Cary Grant. The patterns on those things are more hopelessly convoluted than the plot of an episode of “Heroes”.

(The black & white pic is a good shot of The Combover)

By the way, just in case anyone reading this has NOT heard the “You’re with me, leather” story, you can check it out by typing into Wikipedia the words: You’re with me, leather . Or just click here and you can read all about it.

---JohnnyUnitas

Thanksgiving Indigestion

2007-11-24T10:29:00.000-08:00

It looks like Eli Manning enjoyed his holiday weekend:

(Actually, this picture is old - it certainly was not taken any time recently - it might even go back to his days at Ole Miss).

But it's an amusing photo, and it gives me a chance to pile on Eli a little bit. How bad has THAT guy been lately? Isn't he supposed to be Peyton's brother and Archie's son? So where's the resemblance? I think Mrs. Manning might have been paying the milkman with something other than cash back in the early-80s, because I don't believe Eli shares the same genes as Archie.

By the way, if your stomach is growling and you are tired of leftover green-bean casserole with those crispy french-fried onions on top, you may want to consider this culinary creation:

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Someone needs to take Jimmy Dean out behind the shed and "slap the stupid" off his face. This has to be the worst use of a processed pork product since Weight Watchers introduced 'Frankfurter Spectacular' in 1974.

(By the way, thanks to www.candyboots.com for making me aware of Frankfurter Spectacular - there are a bunch of other crazy Weight Watcher cards that the woman who runs the site found. Check it out if you have a strong stomach.)

Chocolate-chip-pancake-wrapped sausages aren't exactly health food, kids. So if you want to grow up to be big and strong, make sure you focus on lean protein and plenty of complex carbs. I'm sure this young lady would agree that's the best plan.

---JohnnyUnitas

Pumpkin Pie and Football (Not Necessarily in That Order)

2007-11-21T19:41:00.000-08:00

Back in 1876, the Intercollegiate Football Association was formed in the Northeast, and the folks in charge determined that their championship game would be contested on Thanksgiving Day. So popular was this idea that, in less than ten years, it was the premier sporting event in the nation. But football on Thanksgiving got a fresh shot in the arm in 1934, when G.A. Richards (pictured at left) - the owner of the first-year Detroit Lions - scheduled a Turkey Day game that has since gone down as a tradition that is as much a part of the day as wearing pants that have an elastic waistband.

My favorite story about Thanksgiving football is the game in 1980, when the Lions took on the Bears. With Chicago trailing 17-10 with seconds left, QB Vince Evans scored on the final play to tie it up. The Bears won the toss, and as they prepared to receive the kickoff, the referee chatted with David Williams (the Bears kick returner). "I hope this overtime period doesn't go on too long, my wife is holding Thanksgiving dinner until I get there," said the ref with a rumbly in his tumbly.

With that, Williams promptly took the kickoff 95 yards to the house, instantly ending the shortest OT period (21 seconds) in NFL history. The speedy return man circled back to find the stunned ref and said, "Was that quick enough for ya?"

Bring on the candied yams!

---JohnnyUnitas

News & Notes

2007-11-20T09:59:00.000-08:00

-- You know what, the only interesting that I can come up with about that Pats-Bills game on Sunday night is that, in the 1st quarter of that 56-10 snoozer, JP Losman hit Roscoe Parrish for a 47-yard touchdown – and Al Michaels observed about the Buffalo fans, “This crowd is frenzied!” I thought this was hilarious, because there was virtually no ambient noise in the background – and when the camera panned to the crowd, and rather than looking frenzied it seemed as though they had taken a collective Xanax. Not only that, but at least half the crowd seemed to be wearing Patriots jerseys.

-- Remember back in the old days (like, last season) when Chad Johnson used to be good? Or should I say, Remember back when the Bengals used to be good?

-- Check this out – crazy dune climbing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3HQd8M1C4o
All I have to say about this clip is that these dudes have balls the size of pumpkins.

-- You know one thing that confuses me? (I know… there are a lot of things that confuse me, including simple magic tricks and shiny pieces of metal – I said this is just ONE thing that confuses me): and that’s when I see people at sporting events wearing a player’s jersey who has long-since departed that team. For example, when I spot people at Candlestick Park wearing 49ers jerseys with #5 on it and ‘GARCIA’ on the back, what is that supposed to mean? By my count, Jeff Garcia has played for (count ‘em) FOUR different NFL teams since he left San Francisco many years ago. So what are you saying when you wear that jersey? Are you saying, “I’m a fan of the Browns, Lions, Eagles and Buccaneers – as well as the 49ers”? Or are you saying, “I sunk eighty-nine bucks into this jersey and I can’t afford to buy another one”? It’s got to be one of those, right? Which one of those two types of losers do you want to be?

-- Speaking of losers, a couple of weeks ago while attending a 49ers home game, the stadium was mostly empty and a number of the Niners players were warming up on the field right in front of where my seats are. And this one donkey of a fan leans over the railing and yells to Frank Gore, “Hey, Frank! You’re killing my fantasy team this season!” Gore just shook his head and smiled. I was so embarrassed for the fan that I nearly renounced my affiliation to fantasy sports right on the spot. If you have ever (or would ever) interact with a professional athlete by explaining their place in the world as it relates to your fantasy roster, you are a loser. Plain and simple, with no qualification. Loser. Please kill yourself immediately.

-- I’ve been starting to wonder if the Patriots will break the record for Largest NFL Point Spread in History when they face the Dolphins (or Jets) later this season. I did a little research and found that the highest spread on record was in 1993 when the 49ers were laying -23.5 against the Bengals. The Niners won that game 21-8. If you recall, later that season the Niners were 18-point favorites in the Super Bowl against the Chargers (and ended up winning 49-26).

-- I remember hearing an apocryphal story about that Super Bowl, when a Vegas sportsbook had a wiseguy-looking fellow walk in with a metal suitcase. He opened up the case and bet $3 million in cash on the 49ers straight up. He didn’t want to lay the points, so of course he had to give odds (he had to cut his payoff down to 1:6) – but it didn’t matter and the day after the Super Bowl, he collected his $500k.

-- Speaking of crazy point spreads involving the 49ers, I noticed that – for this past weekend’s game against the Rams – the 49ers were GETTING 2.5 points, AT HOME… against a team with one win that started the season 0-8!

I don’t know which is more appalling to me – the fact that the odds-makers set the line that way, or the fact that the Rams covered the spread anyhow. So I suppose the Niners really did deserve that disrespect.

YouBeQB Madness

2007-11-19T09:40:00.000-08:00

Lots of great action on the youbeqb.com site this weekend - and check out the performance of this guy: YouBeQB Chemist blew up with 17,980 points, on the strength of 905 Play Calls (26% correct). This production would rank in the 'Strong' to 'Very Strong' category - and Chemist's QB Rating of 168 is testament to that. Chemist is currently sitting at #6 Overall on the YouBeQB leaderboard (though technically even higher than that because I know several of the QBs ahead of chemist on the leaderboard are the same person using multiple logins. Tsk, tsk.)

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While I'm here, can we touch on the College Football Kookiness for a moment, mmkay?

"The stars at night!
Are big and bright!
Deep in the heart...
of Texas!"

How does Oklahoma lose to Texas Tech?

No really... how?

At least when Oregon lost to Arizona last Thursday, they had an excuse - Dennis Dixon goes down with a knee injury, Oregon is done. Plain and simple. But you'd think Bob Stoops wouldn't let the Sooners take their eyes off the ball against the Red Raiders. But the fans in Lubbock were partying like it's 1999:

I think it's richly ironic that #4 West Virginia - who was rooting so vociferously for Oklahoma to get punked by Texas Tech in that game - when they DO get their wish and the Sooners go down in flames, now they have to turn around and root like crazy for Oklahoma to WIN the Big 12 title. Why? Simple - since #2 Kansas and #3 Missouri play one another this coming weekend, so one of them is going to lose and fall a handful of spots - and the Sooners will face the winner in the December 1 Big 12 championship game.

If Oklahoma can play big brother and give their Big 12 baby brother some noogies, then the Mountaineers would slip-stream right past all of them into position for a shot at the national title game against (presumably) LSU. My head is spinning - I feel more confused than Paris Hilton attempting to complete the 'People' magazine crossword puzzle ("17 Down - Fill in the blank: Talking horse on TV named Mist_r Ed.")

---JohnnyUnitas

Knicks Drama Bomb

2007-11-15T15:51:00.000-08:00

I would just like to know what Isiah Thomas has to do in order to get fired? Is being the worst executive in modern sports history (there may be a worse executive way back in olden days, so I'm qualifying the label by adding that "modern sports history" tag) not enough?

What about being found liable for sexual harassment and costing his employer $11 million?

Not enough, you say? What about assembling the worst group of horribly-matched, grossly-overpaid talent since the movie "Showgirls"?

This seems like a good time to ask: what exactly are IN those pictures that Zeke has of Knicks owner James Dolan?

To quote Ricky Roma (played by Al Pacino) in 'Glengarry Glen Ross': "You know your business, I know mine. Your business is being an a**hole. I find out whose f***ing cousin you are, I'm going to go to him and figure out a way to have your a**."

That's how Knicks fans have to feel about Isiah - they want to know whose cousin he is, that he continues to keep his job.

Then of course, this week there has been all the drama between him and Stephon Marbury. Isiah goes out of his way to bring Starbury to New York, and he repays the guy by threatening to roll on him if Zeke leaves him out of the starting lineup against the Suns?!

You know what I have to say to that?

Now, even though Starbury says that he "had permission" to bail on the team in Phoenix (and what coach out there *doesn't* give permission for his players to take their own flights back home in the middle of a road trip?), the Knicks fined him $195,000. Considering that Dude will earn $40 million for the next two seasons, I'm going out on a limb to say the two hundred dimes probably doesn't mean much to him.
Today, word came that Steph is going to apologize to the team for being a distraction, and he made like a bakery truck and hauled buns across the country to rejoin the team in L.A. for a game against the Clips (but was NOT in the starting lineup).

Uh-0h... What's that I hear, up in the sky... it's a bird, it's a plane...

Zeke, it's seven games into the season. How could everything have gone off the tracks THIS fast? Please enjoy your next gig coaching the Cleveland Rockers of the WNBA.

I don't think anyone will be sad when you destroy that league like you did the CBA.

---JohnnyUnitas

Football is a Rough Sport

2007-11-14T14:47:00.000-08:00

For my money, Sports Illustrated employs the best sports photographers in the world. Check out this handful of shots from Week 10 in the NFL.

Three things to notice about this photo:
(1) I'm sure this felt well-below-average. LJ Smith probably
needed to pound a couple ibuprofens after this game, eh?
(2) Sean Taylor has some muscular forearms,
(3) somewhere off to the side, the ref is reaching into his
pants pocket to pull out his yellow hankie.

Stud. This was Antonio Cromartie's third pick of the first
half on Sunday night. It's almost like Deion Sanders
got split into two people - Devin Hester and this guy.

Listen, Mr. Browns DB... are you going to
apologize to me for bruising my fist with your face?

This hurts. I need a Vicodin.

Are these guys doing the Macarena?
Or possibly the Hokie-Pokie?