First He Copied Japanese Directors, Now It's Sean Penn

While I certainly do appreciate his movies, Quentin Tarantino has always seemed a little douchebaggy to me - if you have any question in your mind about this (or whether 'douchebaggy' is a real adjective), be sure to check out Q's acting in the final vignette of 'Four Rooms'.

If you still aren't convinced, check out his act in this clip shot at Sundance recently.

I don't think anyone likes paparazzi, but if you're famous you just need to tolerate it.



Hey, I wouldn't be in that good of a mood either if I was responsible for 'Grindhouse', but this is ri-cork-ulous.


---JohnnyU

Canadian Police Aren't Messin' Around

You know the old saying about a "Canadian Mounty always gets his man"?

I never gave any thought to that before I saw this clip of some Toronto cops confronting some knife-wielding nut in the street and instead of putting any of the cops at risk of getting shanked, they just hit the dude with a cop car repeatedly until he finally submits.

To repeat, they use a CAR as a makeshift battering ram - not against someone in another car, but against a guy on foot walking in the street!



If this was any crazier, it would be roughly equivalent to Britney Spears before her daily dose of Risperdal.



---JohnnyU

I Already Know I'm a Kook; I Don't Need it Pointed Out to Me

Dwight Howard is a beast - every time I see that guy play, first of all I can't believe he's only 21. I seriously doubt the Magic would trade him for any player in the league.

Maybe LeBron - but perhaps not even him.

I think the guy is going to be ripping up the NBA for the next decade, and it will be a joy to watch.

I only have one complaint, and that is this: I don't like his jersey number.

You don't need to tell me that I'm a loser for thinking about things like this - but every time I see #12 on his jersey, it looks out of place to me.

A guy that size shouldn't have a small number like that. He should have a number in the 30s, 40s or 50s, right?

Additionally, a jersey with #12 on it makes me think of quarterbacks, and that translates to a point guard on the basketball court. Big guys shouldn't have small numbers.

Don't even get me started on Kevin Garnett wearing #5 as a Celtic.
Speaking of wearing low numbers, in case you ever wondered why baseball pitchers never wear single-digit numbers, check out this strong article on that topic.

I said that I only had ONE complaint about Dwight Howard, but actually that's not true - I thought of another. Not a big fan of the fact that D-Ho has started hanging out with porn stars. Wasn't he supposed to be all wholesome and stuff? What's he doing leaving tickets at Will Call for a walking venereal disease?

That makes less sense than watching 'Pulp Fiction' edited for network TV, and makes even less sense than eating unsalted trail mix.



---JohnnyU

He Must Have Been 'Giving Him the Business'

It's too bad that there is a two-week gap between the championship games and the Super Bowl, because that's a lot of time to fill with useless stories.

Unfortunately, the rumor mill is so rapacious that the media will search for anything they possibly can and use it as grist.

Perhaps you saw the story about Giants' DE Osi Umenyiora, who is a little hacked off at Pats' offensive lineman Matt Light. Osi is claiming Light played a little dirty a few weeks ago, when the two teams met during Week 17.

“It was a war out there, and to be honest with you, I’m not quite sure that he thought he was going to see me again because of some of the things he did and said during that game. But, you know, unfortunately he does have to see me again.”

Even though there are dozens of these little subplots and mini-dramas that surround every Super Bowl, this one caught my attention because it immediately reminded me of Ben Dreith, the referee who flagged a guy for a personal foul in a Bills-Jets game back in the 1980s, and said that the offending player was "giving him the business".

Awesome, and if you've never seen the clip you must check it out.





This led to an homage from another ref years later, who was officiating an NCAA game.




I like how the crowd responds with an uproar of laughter after the announcement is made.

This, of course, made me think of the infamous NBA moment when Reggie Evans yanked on Chris Kaman's junk in the middle of a game. He was *definitely* giving him the business.



And then, finally, I was forced to recall the photo of English soccer villain Vinnie Jones (who has now gone to act in films like 'Snatch', 'Gone in Sixty Seconds' and 'Euro Trip'), assaulting an opponent. He clearly has malice in his heart, as you can see by the look on his face, and the expression of his hapless is victim is priceless.

Why does my mind work like this? How did we end up here?

I'm a little ashamed of myself, so I better stop right there, because I don't like the direction this is heading.


---JohnnyU

Will Jay-Z Have to Sell the Nets?

This is a juicy bit of scuttlebutt: Recent reports out of Las Vegas have rap mogul (and co-owner of the New Jersey Nets) Jay-Z losing a $500,000 hand of poker. Sounds like Jay-Z got a little frisky with an overpair (pocket Queens) and got stacked by a Las Vegas pro who probably couldn't believe his good fortune.


"Mediatakeout.com is reporting that Jay-Z lost more than 500k in a high stakes poker game in Las Vegas.

A source at the game told the website: "It was supposed to be a friendly game with everyone betting only [a few hundred dollars] a hand ... Jay Z was down only about [a thousand dollars] when he raised [another player] $500,000. It was a bold move for Jay Z - unfortunately his pair of queens didn't beat [the other player's] flush." The source added, "There were professionals at the table, he really should have known better than that."


You can get the link here, though I think I already block-quoted the entire thing above.


This raises a couple of interesting questions: (1) If we assume that the story is true and not some unsubstantiated rumor, considering that Jay-Z is worth an estimated $500 million, how upset would this really make him?

An even better question, (2) Considering that Jay-Z goes home to Beyonce every night, how upset would this really make him?

That's what I thought.

(A third question might be: Why is Jay wearing two watches in the picture above?)




---JohnnyU

Happy Birthday, Dr. King

Some Things You Might Not Know About Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

• Birth records incorrectly list his first name as Michael

• King graduated high school at age 15 and got his Ph.D. in theology when he was just 25.

• The campaign for a federal holiday honoring King began with Stevie Wonder’s 1980 hit song “Happy Birthday.” The holiday was first celebrated in 1986.

• Dr. King had an antagonistic relationship with the FBI, especially with J. Edgar Hoover - who seemed bent on digging up dirt on the popular civil rights leader. The efforts, which focused on attempting to prove that King was a communist, were unsuccessful.


Happy Birthday, Dr. King.


---JohnnyU

Colts New Stadium

I thought that this photo tour of the construction of the Indianapolis Colts' new stadium was pretty cool - you don't often get to see these kinds of things until the finished product is ready.

Unfortunately, the name of the Colts' new building will instantly replace the Ravens' M&T Bank Stadium as the worst stadium name in the NFL.

What is it going to be called, you ask?

Lucas Oil Stadium.

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Good luck with that, Indy. Did Lucas Oil outbid 'Uncle Goober's Likker 'N' Sundries'? That's a horrible name for a stadium, and this is coming from a guy whose home NFL park is called 'Monster Park'.

---JohnnyU

I LOL'ed

Friday Funny:


(from a language school commercial)

My Predictions for Football in 2008

Now that the college football season is complete, and NFL is only a couple of weeks from joining their amateur brethren cloaked in mothballs for the long offseason, I thought it would be worthwhile to take a look *ahead*.

Enough with the looking back.

It's time to gaze down the murky road ahead, a road that is shrouded in mist and replete with various hidden pitfalls.

Am I the best person to predict the future? If not me, who? Of course, I'm the best person for the job - how dare you impugn my credentials.


Here then, are a few things I think you can take to the bank (at least in the football world), in 2008.

• Ohio State will once again fatten up on overmatched out-of-conference opponents who have nicknames like: the Zips (from Akron) and the Penguins (Youngstown State). Then, to stay consistent with their M.O. of recent years, after not testing themselves whatsoever during the regular season, they'll get run off the field in their bowl game by some team from the SEC - I'm thinking Vanderbilt... maybe in the Poulan Weed-Eater Bowl, sounds about right.
• Derek Anderson of the Cleveland Browns will blossom into a bonafide star, a'la Tony Romo. He'll throw for 4,200 yards, 38 TDs, and then sign a fat extension with the team.
  
• As a response to this development, Brady Quinn will visit a local hair salon to get his tips frosted.

• Bill Belichick will abandon his cut-off hooded sweatshirt while coaching on the sidelines and instead will opt for a mesh muscle-T.
• Lindsay Lohan will bypass the next seven levels of her career implosion fame shame-spiral and just skip straight to doing soft-core porn flicks which will air in continuous rotation on late night Cinemax.

(Please note the stylish lo-jack monitoring
anklet she's got on there. It's THE stylish
accessory to have in Hollywood for 2008.)

(I know that last one really has nothing to do with football, but you didn't actually think I'd be able to do a straight, 100% football blog post, did you? I didn't think you thought that.)


---JohnnyU

I Heart the NFL Playoffs

Reason #725 Why I Don't Gamble on NFL Games:

San Diego 28
Indianapolis 24 (Final)

The Colts were favored by 8 in this game, and the underdog Chargers went on the road in a very tough building and, after starting the game without their star TE, then losing their star RB and their sub-par quarterback, they pull out a win against the defending Super Bowl champs.

That's harder for me to understand than Amy Winehouse's popularity.



Reason #726 Why I Don't Gamble on NFL Games:

New York 21
Dallas 17 (Final)

So, can someone explain this to me in small, three-syllable (or less) words? Eli Manning is now an elite quarterback who can win on the road in the playoffs? Normally, at this point I'd attempt to say something witty yet caustic about what Eli is going to face next week at Lambeau, except Eli would probably make me look foolish if I did that - just like he made all the gamblers look foolish who loaded up against him this week when the G-Men were getting 7.5 points against Wade's Gang.
Though, I will say that - no matter what Eli does against the Pack - the Giants' defense is going to have a tough time dealing with a big, physical Green Bay offensive line, and that Brett Favre should pick the NY secondary apart.

Zoinks, Scooby! I hope I didn't just jinx the Pack there.


---JohnnyU

From the "That Can't Be Right, Can It?" File:

I know that there have been countless people in the media tripping over themselves to slobber all over the 2007 Patriots, and far be it from me to continue that trend (yes, you are right by the way - by counting myself as a member of the media, I'm probably playing pretty fast-n-loose with the word 'media'. So I might not be an actual media member, but I am a member of the blogosphere).

Anyway, I wasn't ready to anoint the Pats as members of that mythical pantheon of the best offensive teams of all time - units like the 1999-2000 Rams, the 1994 Niners, the 2004 Colts and the 1998 Vikings that exist in some rolled-up, shadowy transom of my mind - tucked away and forgotten about like that phone number you got off that marginally-attractive-but-trampy coed that you hooked up in Cabo during Spring Break some years back, and then promised to call her, even though you knew that would turn into a lie as soon as the Coronas wore off.

"Tom, do you mind if we just get you out of this sweaty jersey? It looks too small for you anyway. What do you wear? A Youth Medium?"

In that same way, I may not have thought much about those old teams in a while, but I certainly was not ready to count the Pats as their equals.

Good thing, too, because now that I see this, the Pats seem to be better than ALL of those teams. Think I'm hitting the Coronas too hard right now? Here's some proof:

Did you know that the 2007 Patriots scored a TD on 43% of their offensive possessions this season? That's more ridiculous than the new "American Gladiators".

To put that into perspective, that insane 2000 Rams team scored a TD on only 35% of its possessions. The 2004 Colts (the team on which Peyton Manning tossed a then-record 49 TD passes) got in the end zone less than 37% of the time.

I don't love the Patriots, and I really can't stand those sweatshirts that Bill Belichick cuts the sleeves off of, but one has to admire their efficiency.

"Coach, I don't know exactly which look you're trying to achieve
with that sweatshirt, but whatever it is, it's not workin'."

---JohnnyU

I Can Relate to This...

In 2002, a woman named Barbara Hewson arrived in Los Angeles, after an 11-hour flight from Wales, with torn leg muscles, internal bleeding in her chest, and nerve damage.

Hewson sued Virgin Atlantic, claiming to have been crushed by the obese woman sitting next to her. The woman was so large, she said, that she couldn’t fit into her seat without removing the armrest, effectively sitting on top of Hewson. And when she complained, attendants told her to “ask if another passenger would exchange seats.” (Nobody would.)
In response to Hewson's initial complaint, the airline sent her a $22 basket of canned goods.

A judge awarded her more than $20,000 in cash.

My plane travels in the last week have made me tremendously sympathetic to this poor woman's plight. Though I didn't suffer internal bleeding or nerve damage, there was a woman in the row behind me who seemed intent on inflicting her tuberculosis or whooping cough on the rest of her fellow passengers.

I also wanted to explain to the people around me that the universal rule is: The guy in the middle seat gets BOTH armrests. No exceptions, no negotiations.

----------------------

I was dismayed to learn that the highest-grossing sports movie of all time is [wait for it]... "The Waterboy"? An Adam Sandler movie is the top-grossing sports movie of all time? Though my sadness was mitigated somewhat by the knowledge that - when adjusted for inflation - "Rocky" has actually taken in more dollars.

----------------------

If you need a chuckle, check out Esquire magazine's collection of the Five Most Unconventional Police Arrests. It's a smile.



---JohnnyU

On This Day in Sports History

=======================

January 7, 2001

Lining up for a 36-yard field goal to give the Tennessee Titans the lead in the fourth quarter of their AFC Divisional Playoff game against Baltimore, place kicker Al Del Greco could hardly envision the game-changing play set to unfold. His kick is blocked and run back 90 yards for a touchdown by Ravens safety Anthony Mitchell, propelling Baltimore to a 24-10 victory. Despite Tennessee's wide advantage in the stats - 23 to 6 in first downs, 317-134 in total offense and 40-20 minutes in time of possession - Baltimore's defense carves out the victory in Nashville. The Ravens will go on to beat Oakland for the AFC title next week and then rout the New York Giants in the Super Bowl. [soure: Page-a-Day Calendar]


======================


I remember that game against the Raiders the following week - that was the game in which Tony Siragusa sacked Rich Gannon, but then for good measure did a *belly-flop* on a prone Gannon, knocking the QB out of the game and sealing Oakland's fate.
Siragusa, who was a biscuit short of four bills, always denies that he did that deliberately in an attempt to hurt Gannon, but I don't believe that for a moment.


---JohnnyU

"A Twistin' Triple?! Are You Qualified for That?"

I've been taking a little ski vacation this week, so I thought I would take a moment to point out a couple of immutable truths that I've observed the last few days while spending time on the slopes:

1. Any guy wearing a ski jacket in which White is the predominant color, is making a definite statement. And I don't think it's a statement any man wants to be making.
2. For some reason, any girl in full snowboard gear instantly becomes 22% hotter. A team of physicists at M.I.T. is currently studying this phenomenon.
3. Because I watched "Hot Dog... The Movie" (1984) about two hundred times during a misspent youth, every single time I get off the gondola the uber-cheesy '80s anthem
   "Nothin' Feels Quite Like the Top of the Hill" runs through my head, no matter how many times I've tried to do something to change this unfortunate eventuality.
   

---JohnnyU

Andy Roddick is Man-Candy, Apparently. I Didn't Realize...

I've never paid much attention to Andy Roddick. He's no Andre Agassi. He's no Pete Sampras. Hell, he's not even a Michael Chang.

Roddick has always struck me as the male version of Anna Kournikova - which is to say, someone who gets discussed more for their looks than for their tennis. (For any of you Texas Hold'em players out there, I like it when people refer to Ace-King as 'the Anna Kournikova' hand - not only are the initials the same, A.K., but also because it "looks good, never wins").

Although, since Roddick has actually WON a tennis tournament in his lifetime, unlike Anna, it's somewhat unfair to compare the two.

Nevertheless, I'm somewhat baffled by the hate that Roddick is receiving from certain circles of fans because he is dating Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker.

But according to The Big Lead, that's precisely what is happening.

Here's a sampling of some of the comments:

* “Is she legal?”

* “You complain that she want a serious gf, but you keep dating the same girl over again: 20 yo blonde swimsuit model. That’s stupidity: doing the same thing over and over again (literally) and expecting similar results. I don’t expect this to last. He should try to date a tennis player. It certainly wouldn’t be a bad idea. At least they understand the game and everything. Ana Ivanovic or Tati Golovin would be good matches I think.”

* “I just have one question what is it with tennis players and models just in general? It has been going on since tennis was practically invented. Is it err like doctors date nurses etc. etc???????”

Besides making the observation that those message-board fans clearly are borderline mentally-challenged, I will answer the first question: "Is she legal?"

Yes, she is - Brooklyn was born in 1987, and since she's already been exploited by a corporate publishing machine like Sports Illustrated, I would say she's most likely wise beyond her years.

Actually, there is one other comment that I have, which is: he DID try dating a tennis player, and that was Maria Sharapova - and that didn't work out any better than his relationship with Mandy Moore. And while both of those ladies are very fetching, Brooklyn Decker is ten pounds of hotness in a five-lb. bag. You decide for yourself.

(By the way, if you think that this blog post wasn't a thinly-veiled excuse to post pictures of attractive ladies, well, you'd be wrong.)





You would also be wrong if you assumed that realizing the young lady below is barely out of her teens and was born the same year 'Teen Wolf' was released, doesn't depress me like all git out. Because those facts do depress me. But I promise that I'll struggle to work through it. That's what Zoloft and therapists are for, no?


---JohnnyU