What Happens in Las Vegas...

First Britney Spears threatens Paris Hilton with the release of a purported video of Paris frolicking with a Penthouse Pet and now this - it appears ol' Brit found perhaps a MORE punitive measure to hurt Paris rather than releasing the tape: how about unleashing K-FED on her?!

These photos were taken on December 30 at a 'pre-New Year's party' that Paris was getting paid to host at Pure (which is in Caesar's Palace - in case you're not superhip like me and didn't know about these things; I guess it's Nevada state law now that all nightclubs in Las Vegas must have cool, one-word names like Pure, Light, Rain, Taboo, Cake, Mansion, Affliction, Self-loathing, Herpes, Botulism, or Chlamydia).

As you can see below, they are looking pretty cuddly. I think you can imagine what happened later in the evening as they retired to Paris's suite or K-Fed's camper parked on Flamingo Blvd.

Do I think they got together, you ask? Well, it's not like it's that difficult to sleep with Paris Hilton. Technically I'm not even sure you need to say please, or even ask her using words. The conventional wisdom is that all you have to do is snap your fingers on both hands at once and then point downward.

(As a side note, in the picture on the right above, I was stunned that Paris actually looked halfway attractive - which is a big change from how she normally looks, which is like a real-life version of Beaker, who was Dr. Bunsen Honeydew's lab assistant from The Muppets).


If K-FED and Paris end up getting together, would the fabric of the universe collapse in on itself? Could one relationship survive with BOTH parties bringing so little to the table? With no discernible talent/skill/intelligence, combined?

You've got two people who are celebrities simply because of different things they did with their private parts. I knew a kid in the third grade who became famous in the school because of something he did with *his* private parts, but he didn't get to drive a Bentley because of it. In fact, he kind of became an outcast. I don't think Paris and K-Fed should be any different.


---JohnnyU

On This Day in Football History

1960 - Vince Lombardi Suffers the ONLY Postseason Loss of His Coaching Career

Led by quarterback Norm Van Brocklin (pictured, below) and linebacker Chuck Bednarik (left), the veteran Philadelphia Eagles barely hold off Vince Lomardi's up-and-coming Green Bay Packers, 17-13, to win the NFL title at Franklin Field. After the Packers take a 13-10 lead in the fourth quarter, a 58-yard kickoff return by Fred Dean sets up the winning Eagles touchdown.

The Packers try to respond, but Bednarik tackles Jim Taylor on the eight-yard line as time runs out and the Eagles deal Coach Lombardi his only lifetime loss in the postseason. [source: my Page-A-Day Sports 2007 calendar]


The Packers would win the NFL championship the following year (1961), then again in '62, '65, '66 and '67 - the last two, of course, being the first two Super Bowls ever; which led the Super Bowl trophy to be named, appropriately, the "Lombardi Trophy".
---JohnnyU

The Blind Side

Hey, YouBeQB'ers,

I've got a great gift idea for you folks - and considering that it's the day *after* Christmas, my timing couldn't be better.

If you haven't read the book "The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game" by Michael Lewis, then I no longer have any respect for you.

You're dead to me, Fredo.

Don't call me at 3am ever again, asking where the money is that you lent me - just forget it.

You really should go buy this book - Michael Lewis is the guy who wrote "Moneyball" and "Liar's Poker" - and "The Blind Side" is better than either of them.

The story inter-cuts history of professional football, talking about how the left-tackle position on the offensive line became one of the highest-paid positions on the field (behind only QB), and why this happened - hence the "evolution of a game".

Finding a possible NFL left-tackle prospect is like striking oil. It's a 'eureka!' moment that doesn't come along very often. Guys that big (> 6;5", > 330 lbs.) are extremely rare. But guys that big who have the foot-speed of a cheetah and the grace of a ballerina are like 1-in-100 million.

So what happens when you find one of those guys wandering the streets, homeless?

The main character in the book is a young man named Michael Oher (pronounced "orr") - a destitute black kid from the worst part of Memphis, Tennessee, who gets transplanted to the richest part of Memphis and plopped down into an evangelical Christian high school.


People who came in contact with Michael in those early years of high school described him as being nearly feral. One teacher said, "He's the poorest person I've ever met in my life, and it has nothing to do with money."

By the time he was a teenager, he didn't know what an ocean was. Never heard of a noun or a verb. Never been to a doctor. Born the son of a crack-addicted mother, he had fended for himself on the streets since he was a toddler.

This is one unbelievable story - and you don't need to be a football fan to be riveted by it. Check it out.


---JohnnyU

Good Thing New York Fans are So Understanding

You know it's been "that" kind of year this season for the Jets, when WR Laveranues Coles reinjures his ankle while sitting on the rehab table so he can have his ankle worked on, and the training table collapses.


"I had a setback (Saturday) at the hotel," Coles said. "Getting treatment, one of the tables was kind of loose and I ended up falling off the table. Table was loose and it came down on my leg. That set me back a whole lot. Once I got out (on to the field) I just couldn't do it. I couldn't push through it."

This sounds like one of those made-up stories, or maybe some kind of plot device used in 'Three's Company'. Mr. Furley or Jack would have something like this happen to them.


Kind of reminds me of the story released recently of a feud between Britney and Paris - where Britney Spears (allegedly) threatened to release a purported lesbian sex video of Paris Hilton with some Penthouse pet, unless Paris stopped "being mean to her" (in Brit's words).

That story kind of makes my head asplode - it's like some madman squished every tabloid headline together to create some monster Franken-headline.

"Brit, you remembered to not wear underpants
tonight, right? Otherwise, I can't hang out with you."

---JohnnyU

Running with the Bulls, Rally Racing & Tori Spelling

I've never been one of those people who would dream of participating in the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, just not my cup of tea.

My mother often likes to remind me how many hours she was in labor with me, and it seems like an odd way of showing my gratitude for that sacrifice by voluntarily allowing myself to be gored by a pissed-off 2,200-lb. animal that has been whipped into a frenzy by a clutch of mentally-questionable adrenaline junkies high on Sambuca and greenies.

Why is this on my mind, apart from the fact that I'm the king of the non sequitur?

I actually have a good answer for that: I saw an amazing clip of some rally racing where some super-genius nearly buys it because he's trying to dodge a drifting race car. If this dude isn't a candidate to show up on the Darwin Awards within the next calendar year, then I don't know my business.


Luckiest Rally Car Fan Ever - Watch more free videos


I suppose my point on this whole thing is: are the people who line the course during a rally race people who weren't SMART enough to run with the bulls in Pamplona? Because I would never want to get near an enraged bull that has been teased and tormented to the point it's looking for a piece of somebody... anybody - but I'd *much* rather line up and start sprinting away from Ferdinand than stand next to a village road where some French dude is going to come flying by in his out-of-control Renault that has about a 50-50 chance of turning you into road pizza.

Here's another guy who is insanely lucky (and irretrievably moronic):



And finally, this guy seems to be walking a little funny after this near-death experience, most likely because I'll bet he soiled his underpants and has to walk with a clench until he can get to a restroom.




Madre de dios. Watching those clips makes me queasier than a close-up photograph of Tori Spelling.


To quote Austin Powers, "That's a maaaannn, baby!"

And I'd like to know what the Before and After pictures signify? Before *what*?! Adam's-Apple removal surgery?

I don't think even Bill Clinton would be interested in getting with her. (Actually, I stand corrected - Bill would like to say something):





---JohnnyU

The Sergeant Wants to Buck History

Kellen Winslow is telling interviewers that the Browns are going to change their uniforms - despite the fact that Cleveland is one of a small handful of teams that have had the same uniforms for decades. Nothing official from the team itself, so I think it's safe to say this is just The Sergeant whistlin' Dixie out of his backside - kinda like how he was saying a couple of years ago that he was the best tight end in the NFL.

You can read the story by clicking this link right here


Don't get me wrong - it's not like I think the Browns' unis are classic things of beauty that should never be trifled with. Honestly, the logo-less orange'n'brown concoctions are about as creative and dynamic as a Carrot Top comedy routine. I just think it would be a shame if all of a sudden the Brownies busted out with, like, turquoise jerseys with lime-green pants. That would be like Carrot Top being on steroids - it just wouldn't make any sense.



---JohnnyU

Emmitt Smith as Forrest Gump

Hey, I know Emmitt Smith was probably one of the top ten RBs of all time (don't be fooled into ranking him higher just because he has the career rushing record for the moment), but ever since he retired into the analyst's chair Dude has said more ridiculous things than Dan Quayle and made less sense than a Magic 8 Ball.

This YouBeQBlog entry is dedicated to some of Emmitt's greatest hits:

"Adrian Peterson is redefining the way teams defend the running ability."

"The NFC West is probably one of the weakest conferences in the NFC."

and from the same clip, when describing Frank Gore's rushing yards:
"The reason why he didn't get any more is you didn't have enough first downs."


"If you want to stay perfect, you cannot go undefeated with a blemish on your record."

When the Cards were about to play the Seahawks for the second time this season Emmitt said: "They have beaten the Seahawks at least once this year"

Emmitt: "Know what, Boom, the words of a good friend Isaac Holt used to say back with the Cowboys, 'I don't believe fat meat is greasy.' So disregard the seven losses that every home team has had this year. I'm going with the Steelers tonight."

Steve Young: "What in the world? I don't know what that means."

I think Emmitt is my new favorite guy, ever. Let's hope ESPN gives him a lifetime contract.


---JohnnyU

When Sky-diving is Too Boring

When I watch this video, I don't know what to say, except that these guys (a) really wanted to be flying squirrels when they were kids, and (b) they all have balls the size of pumpkins.

Also, to keep the Randomness Quotient high, I thought this link of a film made in 1967 - that was predicting what life would be like in 1999 - was amazingly spot-on.


---JohnnyU

Forget the BCS... What Would Bear Bryant Do?

Can I pile on the overflowing bandwagon of people who think the BCS system is a bunch of hooey? Is there room for me in the Steerage Class section?

We're now in the dead season, where the top teams wait, like, seven months or something before they play again. What is wrong with doing a 4-team or 8-team playoff?

I'd like to know who exactly would be against this?

If it's a money thing, and the NCAA honks think that there is too much money at stake, imagine how much MORE money they would rake in with a couple more super-top-tier games.

Having the Dr. Scholl's Foot-Odor-That-Smells-Like-Corn-Chips Bowl for one semifinal, and the Loaded Chunky Soup In the Black Can Bowl for the other semifinal - there would be at least another $50 million for the NCAA fat cats to divide up between them.

And best of all?

The championship would actually be decided ON the field, instead of by a computer.

As I learned on www.bcs-sucks.com the final Jeff Sagarin computer poll of the season had Virginia Tech ranked *above* LSU, after LSU not only won the SEC, but LSU played the Hokies, and beat them by 41! What in the name of Keith Jackson's pouch is going on around here?For several Bible-length volumes of truth on the BCS shenanigans, you can go here, here or here.


I have just one message for all the folks in charge of the BCS:



---JohnnyU

Bobby Petrino, Meet Nick Saban... Nick, this is Bobby.

What's wrong with these NFL coaches who bail on the multi-million dollar paychecks, private-jet-travel and the best athletes in the world in order to jump to college jobs?

Am I insane to think that an NFL job is several orders of magnitude more appealing than an NCAA job?

In the college game, you've got to deal with recruiting, annoying boosters who want to meddle, kids who are also supposed to be full-time students, plus a rules violation around every corner. It seems like a riskier mine-field than open-mouth kissing with Paris Hilton.

(By the way, does Paris have her own venereal disease named after her yet? It's got to be just a matter of time, right? And wouldn't that be a bigger badge of honor than having one's own Wikipedia entry? I'm sure Paris would consider the namesake disease to be more of an honor.)

It looks like Paris has a little itch going on downstairs here. She must have skipped her daily shot of Amoxycillin or something:


Wait a second, did I get side-tracked again? What were we talking 'bout?

Ah, yes. NFL coaches, like Bobby Petrino and Nick Saban, bailing out of traveling on private jets to take college jobs.

Now, I'm NOT suggesting that being an NFL coach would be easy. Getting three hours of sleep a night, getting reintroduced every 24-36 months to the people living in your house ("You say you're my wife? And these are my children? Interesting...") -- I just feel like the NFL is the pinnacle of football coaching, and why voluntarily take a step back.

Unless you really suck at being an NFL coach, that is.

Nick Saban, of course, famously proclaimed - while he was the head coach of the Dolphins - that he would NOT be the Alabama coach.




Then less than a week later, he was introduced as the head guy of the Crimson Tide.

Hmm... maybe Nick forgot that words and images can be recorded now.

I just thought it was interesting that Bobby Petrino wasn't even a full year into his stint with the Falcons before bailing to take the Arkansas job. I guess he felt like the job wasn't as good without Mike Vick there (remember that, when he got hired, Vick was still expected back with the team in 2007).

Oh well, poor Arthur Blank gets screwed over again. Maybe he can go home and sob into his bricks of cash he has lying around.

By the way!

Did you know that, back in 1976, there was another first-year NFL head coach, who quit his job with his team 3-10 (exactly the same as the Falcons are currently) in order to take a college job.

Not only that, but do you know what university this coach quit his NFL job for? That's correct, Arkansas - just like Petrino.

Eerily similar - almost identical circumstances, except for the fact that the NFL teams were different (Jets instead of Falcons).

Do you know who that coach was?

That's right - Lou Holtz.

The story goes that ol' Lou, who had always been a college coach, was lured to the NY Jets because of the big money - and during his first day on the job, he sat down in his office and wrote a team 'fight song' for the Jets, just like they were a college team.

As you can imagine, the professionals in that locker room weren't too stoked on singing a corny fight song - and Lou pulled the Eject rip-cord before the season even finished.


Aren't you glad you read this blog? Admit it, the YouBeQBlog gives you your money's worth.

---JohnnyU

Week 14... We Hardly Knew Ye

You know, I was very interested to see how badly Tom Brady and the Pats would punish young Steelers DB Anthony Smith after Smith "guaranteed" a victory over the Patriots in W14. Sure enough, they did seem to pick on the poor kid, with at least three TDs (by my count) thrown over #27.

After Brady tossed his first TD to Randy Moss in the back of the end zone, Brady sprinted over to Moss for some huggies, and then he ran over to Smith and bobbed his head while clearly talking all kinds of junk. I desperately wish that Brady had been miked up during that exchange, because I would have loved to hear what he said to Smith.

"I don't care to repeat it, especially if my mother reads it."
- Tom Brady, on what he said to the Steelers' Anthony Smith
after the Patriots' first touchdown.

A couple of other good shots from this weekend:

I like this shot mostly because of the wildly unattractive Bills fan in the background, who appears to have shaved a horizontal stripe in his fur so that he could stencil in the word BUFFALO on his flabby boiler. Dude also seems to
wearing some unfortunate combination of Kermit the Frog
gloves with a Fozzy Bear hat. ("Paging Social Services...")


I'm not gonna lie to you - one of these times, I'm waiting for the situation to occur when a player gets swallowed up after a 'Lambeau Leap' and then doesn't come back. Or possibly comes back without pants or something.

---JohnnyU

Commitment to Scruffiness

Every time I see Raiders Defensive Coordinator Rob Ryan shown on TV during a game, it makes me chuckle.

Did you ever think you would see an NFL coach looking like THAT? And no matter how you answered that first question, answer this: Is there *any* team in the league that you could possibly imagine this guy coaching for BESIDES the Raiders?

I mean, what would his other options be?

Note to self: need to submit my resume today, several good job possibilities for me:

1. Greeter/bouncer at tattoo parlor
2. New Disneyland stage show - extra in a viking scene (bonus for the props I would get: plastic sword and horned helmet)
3. Oakland Raiders coaching staff

What do you expect from a team that has an anima-tronic corpse in a white track suit as its owner? A commitment to excellence, that's what.



---JohnnyUnitas