Football is Easy

Two crazy items that have penetrated the hazy fog of my Halloween-candy-induced stupor (Must. Stop. Fun. Sized. Snickers. Please send help.):

• A high school football team from Kansas scored 72 points. In the first quarter. Is that any good? I'm guessing that wasn't demoralizing at all for the other team. Smith Center High School has outscored their opponents 640-0 this season. Six-four-zero. To nothing. Hey, Smith Center Coach - way to call off the dogs after you get up by TEN touchdowns.

• I'm sure most of you have already seen the video of the wild game-ending play between Trinity-vs.-Millsaps (NCAA Div. III). If you haven't seen it, check it out below, and I defy you to not have the words "And the band is out on the field!!!" running through your head as you wait for a trombone player to get flattened in the end zone.

---JohnnyUnitas

Cheerleaders are Smart

I'm sure a lot of you have seen this by now, but if not you've got to check it out (it's very hard for me to believe that this cheerleader was not killed -- have you ever seen film of the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona?):

• You know, I will freely admit this, even if it makes me look like a complete jackass: I just assumed that, when the Panthers went out and signed 62-year old Vinny Testaverde to be their starting QB, it was because both Jake Delhomme *AND* David Carr were hurt. But when Vinny got his ankle rolled up on Sunday, in jogged a healthy David Carr. How many times a day, on average, do you think Carr throws up in his mouth a little bit when he is faced with the realization that he couldn’t wrest a starting NFL job away from Vinny Testaverde? He should quit the business. Would that sort of be the same thing as being Joey Lawrence in Hollywood – being hot for a short time before falling from grace, not really able to cash in on your celebrity… then time passes, and just when you think things are starting to turn around for you, you audition for a part in Scorsese’s new film, only to find out that you didn’t get it, and instead it went to Corey Haim or Ashton Kutcher? Wouldn’t you quit the business immediately?

• (As a post-script to that item, I’m bemused by the fact that one could replace David Carr’s name with ‘Joey Harrington’, and then Vinny’s name with ‘Byron Leftwich’, and the analogy still works perfectly.)

New mathematical equation:

IF...














THEN...














OR...
















QUOD ERAT DEMONSTRANDUM (I'm pretty good at math, and stuff).

(As a post-script to that item, I’m bemused by the fact that one could replace David Carr’s name with ‘Joey Harrington’, and then Vinny’s name with ‘Byron Leftwich’, and the analogy still works perfectly.)

---JohnnyUnitas

The Ducks Have Ugly Uniforms, Too.

I realize that I'm coming in a day late and a dollar short here on this story, but for anyone who hasn't heard about the drama involving Oregon coach Mike Bellotti, and his wife Colleen - get a load of this crazy story.

Cliff notes version: the coach's kid - Luke Bellotti - has been arrested not once, but twice for DUI, and a columnist for 'The Oregonian' (the guy's name is John Canzano) wrote a story about it.

That's when Mama Colleen lost her cool, and got all up in his bidness.

Check out some of the fan reaction here.

I personally think that some of that ire should be saved for the affront-to-all-that's-good-and-decent-in-this-world that is: the Oregon Duck uniforms.


Good lord, man. These make me want to gouge out my eyeballs with a grapefruit spoon. Make it stop, mommy. Please make it stop.


---JohnnyUnitas

I Heart Matt Hasselbeck

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

(it comes from Seahawks QB Matt Hasselbeck, after he suffered a ribcage injury in Sunday's game against the Rams, which the Seattle trainers are calling a 'pulled oblique muscle'):

"I think it's a great thing. Actually, I'm kind of excited," Hasselbeck said after the game. "They told me I tweaked my oblique, which is awesome because I didn't know I had any obliques. I'm going to go home and tell my wife."

And for something completely different, because you know how hard it is for me to stay on topic. There is a clamor for 'truth in advertising', and products have to be marketed safely, labels have to be printed showing every ingredient and how it fits into a balanced diet, as well as any kind of warning whatsoever.

[By the way, this seems like a good time to mention that my dad once bought me a bike for Christmas, and the pieces came jumbled up in a box. And I swear to you, stenciled on the outside of the box were big letters: "WARNING! ASSEMBLE BEFORE USE".]

(stunned silence)


Keeping all that in mind, let's look at some advertisements from the past, all of which are equal parts enlightening and horrifying, all at the same time.



Uhh, just what exactly am I supposed to think about this? "Sanitized tape worms" to keep you thin?! How about this for a slogan: "Tape worms -- they will kill you, and then after death sets in, almost immediately you will begin to experience the wonder of rapid weight loss!"

Was this ever really legal? Is this how people 100 years from now are going to feel about the Atkins Diet?
















What? No! This doctor absolutely has not been paid by a tobacco company. Of course he's a real doctor. Are you intimating that he is an actor?

I very much like the slogan at the bottom of the ad: "For 30 days, test Camels in your 'T-zone' (T for Throat, T for Taste)"

That's great advice, and good practice for when you have to smoke your ciggys through the trachea ring they've installed in your neck after removing your larynx! (That would look catchy in an ad, no?)










Do you think there still is such a thing as "The Lard Information Council"? Do you think I could join?

Good lord, look at the size of that baby.



















[Too. Many. Jokes!]

[Must resist. Must censor myself. Will... not... get fired from my position as YouBeQB blogger.]

There we go. I'm fine now - I just tasered myself.














---JohnnyUnitas

The Fall Classic

World Series, Game 1 - here we go.

I know this is usually a football blog, but heck, if I can put in items about Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance, then throwing in something about baseball seems positively ON-topic, by comparison.

I would like to know why the World Series is called the Fall Classic? Is that something like the British calling The British Open simply "The Open"? Which is more baffling to me than Renee Zellweger's popularity.

One quick trivia tidbit about the World Series matchup (I got this from my daily "Sports Illustrated Extra" email that I subscribe to):


DID YOU KNOW?

Jeff Francis, the Rockies' Game 1 World Series starter, beat the Red Sox at Fenway Park in June with five scoreless innings. Only two other lefthanders in the past five years have beaten Boston at Fenway without allowing a run: Scott Kazmir (twice) and Gustavo Chacin. Only one lefty has ever done it in the postseason: Hippo Vaughn of the Cubs in the 1918 World Series.

• By the way, I love the name Hippo Vaughn. Do you think that's short for Hipolito? But considering that it was back in 1918, in the days of great nicknames like Mordecai "Three-Fingers" Brown, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Cool Papa Bell and Dizzy Dean, it could just be a great nickname. Either way, I think I'm going to name my next child 'Hippo'.
  

---JohnnyUnitas

Rex Must Unleash the Dragon

• One rumor that apparently has been going around NFL circles: the Bears are quietly shopping Rex Grossman, and have been quoting a second-round pick as the price. If you ask me, Chicago is smoking the wacky-weedus if they think Sexy is going to bring that kind of steep price. Unless... Wait a second! I didn't even think about this - maybe I have it backwards?! Maybe the Bears are *offering* a second-round pick to any team willing to TAKE Rexy off their hands. That must be it; makes a lot more sense.
  

We are Not Amused

Howdy, YouBeQB'ers,

Here's hopin' you all had a restful and hug-filled weekend. As your buddy JohnnyU sifts through the ashes of another week of football to bring you the still-smoldering embers of interesting tidbits, I thought I would point something out to you guys who think you're pretty clever...

For the people who have been using multiple YouBeQB logins in an attempt to pull one over on the powers that be, I'm sure you were sitting there, giggling to yourself, and you were all:





Well, don't think that you've gotten over on us! We know what you're up to, and what we have to say is:


So, don't make us take such punitive measures as deleting your accounts for you. Play fair and we'll all be friends.



--JohnnyUnitas

Bonjour, mon amies

Hi, everyone. Did you miss me? It's OK, you can admit it. You missed me, didn'tcha?

Let's take a look to see how things are going on the ol' YouBeQB site, hmm? I thought it might be interesting to highlight some of the real 'power users'. Who are the QBs who are just dedicating blood, sweat, and tears to the site - these are the people who are just *muscling* through a ton of games, calling plays, living and dying with every game.



We love all of these people, and we would like to name our first six children after them:



1) 175 games ( VY10FAN ) - VY10FAN has been featured for his stellar performances previously in Da Blog, and here he is getting some more ink now. VY has strapped on his helmet and quarterbacked a staggering 175 pro & college games - in less than two months. I don't know when Dude sleeps, but he's probably calling plays while he is clocking Z's. All of this play-calling has allowed VY10FAN to rise to the ranking of #2 overall for the entire site - he still trails FOZZIE, who owns the #1 spot. FOZZIE makes me chuckle a little bit, because when you look at his profile, where you can list your favorite teams, he's got like - no lie - 60 teams listed. Your head is going to pop off, bro.

(Quirky note: I see that VY10FAN's user number is #666 (look in the address of the link when you click on his name, and the number at the end of it is the user number). I'm sure this is a *complete* coincidence, and NO EVIDENCE whatsoever that VY10FAN has cut a deal with the devil to allow him to QB like 25 games a week.)


2) 169 games ( vy10fanz ) - OK, what's going on here? Are these first two QB names a prank or something? Is someone playing a joke on poor JohnnyU?! I'm not the smartest guy in the world (though I'm probably not the dumbest, either -- though I could be in the bottom three at any given time.) How could the two QBs who have called the most games both have nearly identical QB names? What the flock is happening?

VY say: "You fellas better stop using my name
before I hit you up for likeness rights royalties, homes."

3) 168 games ( Davidtodahalloffame ) - I'm not sure if David has the longest QB name on YouBeQB, but he's got to be in the conversation there somewhere.



Miscellaneous tidbits (found on FootballGuys):

• The Rams, Bengals and Chiefs have 2 rushing TDs combined. Last year they had 44.

• The Browns had 22 offensive TDs last season. This year they already have 19

• More Browns - They averaged 14.9 points per game in 2006 and currently average 27.8 points in 2007.

• The Rams had 39 total TDs last year. This year they have only 5 TDs so far and are pace for just 13.

• The Eagles and Saints had 48 and 46 total TDs respectively last year. This year they each have 10 TDs so far and are on pace for just 32 TDs.
  

• New England had 43 total TDs last year. This year they already have 29 TDs and are on pace for 77.

Have a great weekend of football action on YouBeQB!

--JohnnyUnitas

Week 6 - News & Notes

• From the ‘Don’t You Think That’s a Slight Overstatement?’ File: Not quite halfway through the Vikes-Bears game, Adrian Peterson was on his way to a huge game (finishing with 224 yards and 3 TDs) – a monster performance to be sure, but in the second quarter, TV color guy (and John Madden wannabe) Brian Baldinger said, “I’d have to say Adrian Peterson is the best back in the NFL right now.” (He also said the same thing on TV three days *before* the game). Listen, I know putting up two bills and three scores on the Bears is noteworthy, but the best RB in the NFL?! Baldinger is borderline mentally-challenged, if he seriously believes that. In related news, Brian Baldinger and a ripe turnip were each hooked up to an EEG simultaneously, and the turnip was judged to have, by far, the superior brain waves.

• Listen, far be it for me to be Captain Bitterman, because I'm not trying to tinkle in anyone's Corn Flakes, but University of South Florida, the #2 team in the country? Can a brutha get some perspective over here? I know they are a good team, sure, and yes, they beat Auburn and West Virginia, but does *anyone* seriously believe that if USF met LSU (or USC) on a neutral field, the Bulls would prevail? C’mon…

• Lord, that barn-burner between the Pats and Cowboys was an entertaining game to watch – and I don’t care a whit about either of those teams. That one game just about justified the $250 it cost for the DirecTV ‘NFL Sunday Ticket™’ all by itself.

• Speaking of Dallas-New England, you wouldn’t have seen this play if you only saw highlights of the game, but in the 4^th quarter, Randy Moss caught a second TD pass that was called back because of Offensive Pass Interference. I swear, I watched that play 15-20 times on replay, and I still can’t see any pushing off by Moss. The back judge who made that call should be more ashamed of himself than the TV genius who created ‘Desperate Housewives’ (The only thing that would be shameful than creating the show would be naming your fantasy football team after it.)

• OK, I’ll ask: Is it possible that Chad Johnson is only the 2^nd-best wide receiver on the Bengals?

• At various times on Sunday, we saw Tim Rattay, Cleo Lemon and Vinny Testaverde running NFL offenses. Zoinks, Scooby. “Paging Jeff George and Craig Whelihan to the Cardinals front office – please report for your uniform fitting and playbook distribution.” (And someone get Dan McGwire on the phone)

• New Mathematical Formula: Wes Welker 2007 equals Brandon Stokley 2004 which equals Ricky Proehl 1999. Quod Erat Demonstrandum.

• From the “I Just Need to Know” File: At this point, why would any coach kick the ball to Devin Hester?

• Move Over, Jerome Bettis: Did you see LenDale White had 25 carries and his LONGEST was 5 yds?! I’m not even sure how that’s possible. Wouldn’t you at some point just fall forward, or get pushed by your offensive lineman and end up with a longer run than that?

• On the opposite side of that same coin, Adrian Peterson had TWO runs of more than 55 yards on Sunday. I got this fact from Peter King’s MMQB column – the Bears had not allowed a single run of 55 yards or more since the start of the 2006 season. (Maybe A-Pete really *IS* the best RB in the NFL.)

Cold Chinese Food

Here are some leftover tidbits (just like some cold cartons of chinese food in your fridge) from last weekend's action:

• I read this somewhere earlier this week, so I don’t claim to take credit for it, but: wouldn’t the Bears offense be way, waaaaay better off if they just simply removed the QB position from the backfield entirely and instead just put Devin Hester 25 yards behind center and snap the ball to him and he can pretend it’s a punt return? Wouldn’t their offense instantly become one of the ten best in the NFL? Am I wrong?

• With a 52-yarder at the end of the first half and then a 57-yarder for the win as time expired, Kris Brown is “Kris-Miss” no longer.
• Great quote that I got from my Page-A-Day Sports Calendar, and this was from Merril Hoge (former Steelers RB-turned-studio analyst), and here Merril was talking specifically about the city of Pittsburgh: "Drive into the city on a Monday and you can feel a win or a loss. I used to think it was that way everywhere, but it's not." Now, given the fact that I was born in Pittsburgh, I confess that I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing - but it does underscore the fact that Steelers fans are fanatical about their football team.
  

• Speaking of that Texans-Dolphins game, did you catch the post-game comments from Travis Johnson (whose knee gave Trent Green a concussion and knocked the poor guy unconscious)? As the big Texans defensive lineman was surrounded by microphones in the locker room, he said, “I have a lot of respect for Trent Green, but today at about 12:20, I said ‘F*** Trent Green’, know what I mean?” This has all been covered a lot obviously, but my take on it was that you could hear one of Johnson’s teammates (who was off-camera, so I don’t know who it was) trying to intercede and get the guy to stop talking – but he wouldn’t do it, and even shouted his teammate down as the guy tried to save #99 from himself.
• I love Steve Mariucci like a fat kid loves cake, but he is not a good studio analyst. Even Dan Marino, who may be the worst analyst (living or dead) thinks that Mariucci needs to work on being a little less dry.
• As a Clinton Portis fantasy owner, I can honestly say that I detest Mike Sellers. (I probably speak for all Chris Cooley owners nationwide, also, no? Sellers is robbing easy fantasy points from both Clinton AND Cooley.)
• Which reminds me... If you had to list the Top Three NFL Head Coaches Who Hate Fantasy Football Players, who would you have? My list would look like:

1. Mike Shanahan (Does his level-best to not be consistent with who gets the ball on that team. Remember the Mike Bell/Tatum Bell battery from a couple of years ago?

"Note to self -- List of things to do today: (A) beat the Chiefs, (B) screw fantasy football owners. Not necessarily in that order."

2. Bill Belichick (Likes to deceive with the Injury Report. I think Tom Brady has broken the all-time NFL record for "Most Consecutive Weeks Listed on the Injury Report with a Non-specific, Completely Imaginary Injury" - he's at 178 weeks and counting now.)"Who is the LEAST likely guy that fantasy football owners
would have on their rosters? What about Mike Vrabel?"

3. Bill Parcells (Yes, I realize he's not in the NFL any more - but it doesn't change how cruel and unjust he was to fantasy owners the world over. Hey, listen - just because Rich Kotite got fired from the Jets more than a decade ago, doesn't erase his title of Worst NFL Head Coach Ever - even though Art Shell gave him a run for his money last year. Am I getting off-track?)

"Aww, Bill, I'm so proud of you. You listened attentively to every
lesson I gave you about screwing over fantasy players."

• If you had gone to a Vegas book before the season and asked what kind of odds you could get that by Week 5 of the NFL season, the Saints and Rams would be a combined 0-9 while the Packers and Cowboys would be 9-1? I’m not sure what the odds would have been, but there would have been a comma in the number – baleeb it.
• Did you happen to see the highlights from the very end of the Jags-Chiefs game? The game was already over, with the Chiefs trailing 17-0 and under a minute left. The only suspense remaining was whether KC would be able to get in the end zone to avoid the shut-out. You could see the stands in the background, and there were like five fans left in each section. It looked like a Cleveland Indians game from 1984.

Have a great weekend, all! Good luck in your YouBeQB games.


---JohnnyUnitas

A Sprinkle of This, a Dash of That, and a Soupcon of the Other

• Don't know if any of you caught this great article from Dennis Dodd, who is a writer for CBS Sportsline. It's a terrific essay on why there have been so many upsets in college football this season. I learned a lot, but then again, I learn a lot from doing the maze game on the back of my Lucky Charms box.


• From the "Welcome to the YouBeQB Top-10 Leaderboard" File: Pretty amazing performance by the YouBeQB player known as 'MBrum' - now ranked #8 on the Overall Leaderboard. What's so amazing about this, you ask? MBrum has managed to amass more than 41,000 points by playing only *18* games. That's astounding, especially when you consider some of the folks at the top of the list have cranked through 150 games or more. MBrum must have hit a bunch of 'accelerators' by correctly predicting a long string of plays one after another; his (or her) % Correct sits at a sparkling 44%. I've sent some fan mail of my own along to MBrum, and even asked for some pointers about how to be a more effective QB on the site, but MBrum won't return my emails. I heard a rumor that MBrum is looking into a restraining order against me. I can't help it - I just want to show my admiration; I'm not trying to be a stalker.

• Pretty impressive stuff: the 6 sacks that Giants defensive end Osi Umenyiora recorded against the Eagles last week were the most by a single player in the NFL since the late Derrick Thomas tallied 7 against Dave Krieg and the Seahawks on Veteran's Day 1990. Umenyiora is a beast and he put on a clinic against young Winston Justice.

• In a related story, Osi Umenyiora's name sounds so ethnic that, immediately after the game ended, Angelina Jolie filed a petition attempting to adopt him.


• I read a story in the newspaper recently that contained an interview with Michael Flatley (the Irish jig, 'Lord of the Dance' guy). Dude had been out of the news for a while, so the interviewer asked him what he had been up to lately - and Flatley responded that he had just suffered through an extremely difficult divorce. Alright, I'll ask: You mean to tell me that guy is straight?

---JohnnyUnitas

Things to Avoid

Let's begin the latest blog entry with this -- Memo to the University of West Virginia athletic department: These two guys should probably find someone else to sit between them on the bench:

While I have you all here (is anyone out there? Help a brutha out) - I thought it would be time to give some recognition to a YouBeQB player who simply has shown us what NOT to do, when playing along on YouBeQB.

YouBeQB member 'I Am McLovin' has attempted to predict 64 plays, and the percent next to his name: 0%. That's difficult to do, as I have opined previously, but the thing I think is hilarious about McLovin is that if you take a look at his stats down at the bottom of his profile page, you can see that his 'Trick Play' percentage is 100%! This means that his % Correct # is not technically zero, but rather he somehow made one correct prediction of a trick play at some point, which I am endlessly entertained by.

Show me some simple grade-school magic tricks, or shiny bits of foil or metal, and you can keep me amused for hours.

So, 'I Am McLovin' -- I salute you! Keep up the (not-so-great) work. And by the way, I love your name, and let me include a picture of the real McLovin - because that's how we roll.

(One final note, as I wish you all a good weekend - make sure you don't make the same mistake I did, which is to type the word 'mclovin' into Google Images. I did so in order to find the picture above, but it brings some disturbing results. There are some sick people in the world, and I'm not one of them.)

Week 4 - News & Notes

* Totally unconfirmed, but I heard a rumor that Osi Umenyiora sacked Donovan McNabb twice this morning while Donovan was picking up his newspaper off the driveway.

* Exhibit #247 why I don’t gamble on NFL games:

• Cardinals 21

• Steelers 14 (Final)

I have no idea by how much Pittsburgh was favored going into that game, but I’m sure it was a lot. And I’m sure a number of gamblers lost a lot of dough on that game.

* If Tony Romo ever ends up going to the Hall of Fame, certainly one of the plays on the highlight package they put together will be that snap that went over his head, he kicked another 20 yards backward and then he picks it up, jukes a Rams defender out of his underpants and runs 37 yards with it. One of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen. And I hate the Cowboys – but I like Tony Romo because of these four reasons: (1) he makes clutch plays like that; (2) he’s going to end up completely screwing over Jerry Jones in their contract negotiations because Jerry was arrogant enough to wait on giving him his money, and now it’s going to cost him big time; (3) Romo hooks up with hot Texas girls like Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood (allegedly); and (4) Do I really need a fourth reason? Those first three were pretty good, IMO.

(By the way, make sure you check out that crazy scramble of Romo's on YouTube before the NFL lawyers make them take it down).

* Don’t know if any of you watch NFL Game Day on the NFL Network – I’m not sure WHY I like it when Deion calls his ex-teammate, Raven kicker Matt Stover, by the nickname “Sto-Diddy”, but I like it a lot.

* From the ‘You Stay Classy, San Diego’ File: Is this what Chargers management gets for firing Marty Schottenheimer after a 14-2 season? Not just firing him, but waiting until deep into the offseason, long after all of the ‘good’ head-coaching candidates had already lined up other jobs and the Bolts were forced to take a flyer on recycled Norv Turner. Listen, you can say that Schottenheimer was the a great regular-season coach, and the worst playoff coach ever, but I would say the same thing about Norv Turner, but I would change it to read: great offensive coordinator, worst head coach ever.