Balls the Size of Pumpkins

My previous blog post had some sick video footage of stunt driving in a video game, but now I found a video of stunt driving, though this time it's REAL - and no less amazing.

This is literally stunning - it starts off a bit slow, but be sure to stick with it.





Also, I really, REALLY hope that this is real-life, actual security cam footage and not something staged.

These Guys Must Have Fulfilled, Enriching Lives

Check out this sick video I found on YouTube of some wild stunts in the new 'Grand Theft Auto IV' game.



This leads me to a couple of questions:

• Didn't this game just get released like a week ago? How did these guys find all of these little locations and places to pull those shenanigans already?
• My favorite one is when the guy dives out of the helicopter at like two thousand feet and plunges into a swimming pool. It looks like he aimed for the pool on purpose - how is that possible?
• Odds that the person who made this video has ever been out on a date with a live person? I'm going to say Infinity-to-1 against.

---JohnnyU

I Need This...

I have a mortal fear of being buried alive, so you can probably guess that I didn't love the scene in 'Kill Bill, Volume 2' where Uma Thurman is buried in a coffin and has to dig her way out.

I suppose there are plenty of other people like me. Apparently, premature burial was George Washington's greatest fear, and is quoted as saying:

"Have me decently buried, but do not let my body be put into a vault in less than two days after I am dead."

Shoot, Edgar Allen Poe practically made a living out of writing grotesque stories featuring premature burial ("The Premature Burial", "The Fall of the House of Usher" and "The Cask of Amontillado")

It was only a matter of time, then, that this idea cropped up:
A cemetery in Santiago, Chile, is offering its clients coffins with sensors that detect any movement inside after they have been buried. According to a spokesperson for the cemetery, ‘We want to be pioneers and avoid catalepsy cases, in which a person gets completely paralyzed for a few hours and ends up buried as if they were dead. We want families to rest assured that if a case like this ever happens, their loved ones will be immediately rescued.

All I have to say about this is: I'm looking into possibly moving to Santiago, Chile.

Great News if You're a Lions Fan

I know the Detroit Lions can't be bothered to address their QB position (though Jon Kitna has been a serviceable starter, I suppose), seeing as how they're so busy drafting wide receivers in the first round every year, and letting their best defensive player - Shaun Rogers - leave in the offseason, but this quote was still somewhat eye-opening.

According to this article from MLive.com, Lions offensive coordinator Jim Colletto can barely stand to watch second-year QB Drew Stanton throw his wobbly, lame-duck passes.

"I kind of close my eyes and don't pay attention,'' Colletto said with a smile.
"Sometimes he reverts back to some old habits. Today, he didn't throw an interception so that was a huge plus.''

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another 4-12 season of Lions football! Big hand for the fellas.



---JohnnyU

Some People are Dain-Bramaged

FOUND ON REAL-LIFE WARNING LABELS:

• On a can of insect spray: “Harmful to bees.”
• On a motorcycle mirror: “Objects in the mirror are actually behind you.”
• On a bag of peanuts: “This product contains nuts.”
• On a mattress: “Do not attempt to swallow.”
• On a TV remote control: “Not dishwasher safe.”
• On an iron: “Never iron clothes on the body.”
• On a wristwatch: “This is not underwear. Do not put in pants.”
• On a life-saving device: “This is not a life-saving device.”

Are real people *actually* this stupid? I find it hard to believe that anyone would do any of these things (Except for the wristwatch one - because I always wear my watch in my pants).

This reminds me of the time, when I was a kid and my dad got me a bike for Christmas (which came in pieces that you had to put together), and the box the bike was shipped in had a large warning label stuck on the side that read:

"WARNING! Assemble before use."


---JohnnyU

Jason Taylor is Light on His Feet

Jason Taylor has not yet gotten voted off 'Dancing With the Stars' (if that's how that show even works - it appears to be a lock-stock-and-barrel ripoff of 'American Idol'), but it's clearly no secret that new Dolphins head-honcho of football ops, Bill Parcells, isn't happy about that at all.

From Pro Football Weekly today:

One Dolphins insider remarked how ironic it is that troubled RB Ricky Williams has the full support of executive V.P. of football operations Bill Parcells, while Parcells has given the cold-shoulder treatment to consummate team leader Jason Taylor. Parcells subscribes to the “football comes first” mentality, something that Taylor has done throughout his distinguished career, whereas Williams has rarely demonstrated that commitment. However, Parcells’ differing treatment of the two players is a sign that the “What have you done for me lately” mantra is alive and well inside Dolphins headquarters. While Taylor has been mostly missing in action in Miami’s offseason program as he participates in the television show “Dancing with the Stars,” Williams has seemingly rededicated himself to football after having torn a pectoral muscle last November in his first game back from an 18-month NFL suspension.

If I'm reading that correctly, it seems that the Tuna would have preferred that #99 spent his offseason burning blunts with Sticky Icky Ricky than tripping the light fantastic in Hollywood. But I could be wrong (and have been before).


---JohnnyU

Sam Grizzle is a Sick Man

Charles Barkley has been getting plenty of unwanted attention in the last couple of days, surrounding his outstanding $400k gambling debt, so I'm not going to focus on that because it's already been done to death, but I'll stay in the same vein with a gambling story.

I thought this was amazing (not in a good way) - though a little off the beaten path, so bear with me.

Sam Grizzle is a Las Vegas gambler, infamous for his degenerate tendencies. Possessed of some amount of talent for poker, Sam is nonetheless constantly broke and having to borrow money from people. He has a perfectly apt last name - seeing as he is a grizzled, leather-assed old gambler who seems miserable ninety percent of the time.

This one particular anecdote I'm about to excerpt - which seems to neatly encapsulate the guy - was from an article written by Todd Brunson for CardPlayer magazine.

"About 14 years ago, I was playing in a $150-$300 hold'em game at Commerce Casino. Early in the morning, Sam Grizzle walks in and starts commenting on how good the game is. When asked why he's not playing, he pulls out his bankroll ($2) and sarcastically asks how much the buy-in is.

He leaves, and after talking to Puggy Pearson, comes back with $10,000 and starts to play. Now, after about an hour, Sam and Puggy get into an argument (about what, I can't remember offhand), and Puggy picks up his $10,000 and half of what Sam was winning, leaving Sam with about $400, far short of the required buy-in. Fortunately for Sam, no one says anything. Sam goes all in five or six times right away, and in about four hours, he is winning around $40,000.

If this isn't amazing enough, Sam quits the game, announcing that he's going to do us a big favor and go play the tournament, allowing us to keep what money we had left. (He also told us how smart he was and dumb we were, of course.) You can guess what happened next: Sam the genius wins the tournament and another $120,000 to go with the $40,000 he won from us earlier that morning; not bad for a guy who showed up at the casino with $2 in his pocket.

It's now 6 a.m. and he's been in the Commerce Casino for exactly 24 hours. It's time to get some sleep; that is, if he were a normal human, but Sam's far from that. He comes up to the top section, where there's a tough $800-$1,600 Razz (lowball) game in progress. Sam stumbles over and bellies up to the table, losing his entire $160,000 in a fairly short period of time.

Instead of becoming upset, Sam simply told everyone how dumb they were, shook his head, and walked out of the casino with the exact same $2 he had showed up with the day before. Just another day in the life of a gambler."

---JohnnyU

From the "Is That a Friggin' Fact?!" File

In the early 1880s, the Northern Pacific Railroad Company hoped to run its railroad tracks through the town of Coulson, Montana, but the three men who owned most of the surrounding land wanted more money than the railroad was willing to pay. So Northern Pacific moved the tracks and built its own town, which it named after the railroad’s president, Frederick Billings. Coulson was a ghost town by 1885; today Billings is the largest city in Montana.


(Boy, those three dudes who decided to hold out for more cash sure were a bunch of bright visionaries, huh? Didn't they see 'There Will Be Blood'? If not, they should check it out... Good flick.)


---JohnnyU

T.O. is Cool and Handsome... Just Ask Him.

It's not a huge secret that Terrell Owens has an ego larger than the innn-tire state of Texas - remember him knocking out a few hundred situps in his driveway a couple of years ago?

But now word comes from the Dallas Morning News that T.O. has decided to do something new and revolutionary for him:

HONOR HIS CONTRACT

Yes, apparently this is something that needs to be covered by the local Dallas newspaper. This baffles me, that a guy planning to honor the contract he signs somehow makes him a guy of integrity.

"I'm going to let God fight that battle for me. There was a situation where the contract didn't work out in Philly. With this, I'm going to let it play out and not try to be a distraction.

T.O. went on to say how much he wanted to remain with the team - and did so in inimitable T.O. fashion:

"For sure, I definitely want to end my career with the Dallas Cowboys, and go into the Hall of Fame as a Dallas Cowboy," said Owens, who was also promoting his Wednesday appearance on the MyNetworkTV sitcom Under One Roof.

Uhhh, Hall of Fame? Excuse me, Cart? You're way in front of the Horse - could you please slow down? T.O. is considering himself a lock for Canton? Unbelievable.

And, if elected, he wants to be enshrined as a Cowboy? I guess everyone has forgotten about him stomping on the Dallas star a few years back, hmm?

T.O. clearly has.



---JohnnyU

Discovering a Future President of the United States

Some news stories just seem too crazy to be made up, and this story definitely falls into that category.

A 13-year old kid named Ralph from Texas won a big World of Warcraft tournament (there are World of Warcraft tournaments?) and boosted his dad's credit card to run up a $30,000 spending spree that included paying $1,000/night prostitutes to play HALO 3 with them.

Awesome.

Or the worst thing I've ever heard.

One or the other.

The best part is the final line of the article: "Ralph's ambition is to one day become a politician."



---JohnnyU

I Think I Hate Derek Jeter

This just in: breaking news from the South Florida Sun-Sentinel that Maxim magazine's soon-to-be-released Hot 100 List for 2008 contains six (count 'em, SIX) ladies who at one time or another have been romantically linked to one Derek Sanderson Jeter.

The six lovelies are (and this is in decreasing order of hotness, according to Maxim): Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Vanessa Minnillo, Gabrielle Union, and Mariah Carey.

I think I have to take issue with that order, however - as I would rank them like this:

1A. Jessica Alba
1B. Jessica Biel (can't really pick a winner here)
3. Vanessa Minillo
4. Scarlett Johansson
5. Gabrielle Union
146. Mariah Carey (this one actually detracts from Jeter's conquests, IMO; crazier than an outhouse rat)

So not only does D.J. have a $189 million contract, plays in the biggest city in the world, gets to hook up with ridiculously attractive starlets, but he's also a helluva nice guy.

How do I know this?

Because when I went to a game at Yankee Stadium in 1999 (the day David Cone threw his perfect game), we were there like two hours early, sitting about 10 rows behind the Yankee dugout.

Sure enough, who pops out of the dugout but Jeter - looking to see if any kids needed autographs. The stands were mostly empty, but several kids were close by and even more swarmed the area once they caught a glimpse of The Cap'n.

He couldn't have been nicer; stood there and signed everything for everyone.

Makes it hard to hate him, but I'm trying.


---JohnnyU

The Scales of Justice

Plaintiff: Gregory Roach and Gordon Falkner

Defendant: Para-Chem Co.

Lawsuit: In 1998 the plaintiffs, carpet installers, decided to use an all-weather outdoor adhesive inside a client’s home, ignoring the warning on the label: “Do not use indoors because of flammability.” When a hot water tank clicked on, the fumes from the adhesive ignited, exploding the three-gallon container. Burned over most of their bodies, Roach and Falkner sued the adhesive manufacturer, Para-Chem, for $35 million.

Can you guess the result?


Verdict: Five of the eight jurors initially sided with the defendant, Para-Chem, but the judge ordered deliberations to continue until at least six jurors agreed on the verdict. When the jury returned, the tally was 6-2 in favor of the plaintiffs. They got $8 million.

[source: Page-a-Day Calendars]


This kind of stuff irritates me to no end. The only thing that pisses me off more are the lawsuits where the burglar sues the person who owns the home they were trying to burgle, because the felon falls down the stair and breaks his leg or something.

If I could ever meet these jurors I would give all of them a slap with a pair of gloves.


---JohnnyU

What Were They Thinking?

Mix equal parts stupidity and foolishness, and toss in a dash of idiocy... and then maybe a soupcon of pure luck, and voila! (or is that 'viola'?)

Hilarity ensues...

I guess my question is, how is it possible that a camcorder happened to be on hand to capture every single one of these moments? What's noteworthy about a woman getting out of a cab? Or in half of these examples, for that matter?

If these people were any dumber, they'd be the mutant offspring of Gomer Pyle and Jethro Clampett.

Karate Kid, Part IV - Ralph Macchio Returns?

I don't know how much you would have to pay me to square off against a chimpanzee, but the figure would definitely have at least one comma in it.




I've heard it said that chimps are roughly ten times stronger than an adult human, so you can best believe I'm not messing with one in a boxing ring or a karate dojo.


---JohnnyU