Mike Shanahan is Probably a Genius

No one is saying that Mike Shanahan doesn't know his football. He's still smart, but he's not as much of a genius as he was when he had John Elway, Terrell Davis and Shannon Sharpe. Back then he was REALLY brilliant, for some reason. I can't really understand why his genius has deserted him somewhat now.

But here's a sequence of super-smart decision making from last Sunday's loss to the Bears:

"That fancy-pants Devin Hester thinks he's so

smooth and fast. Well, WE'RE not afraid of him.
We're kicking it to him anyway."

OK, so he runs one back for a TD. But he's not going to do it twice in the same game, that punk. We're kicking it to him again.

"Wait a second! We kicked it to him AGAIN?!"

Perhaps Mike and his coaching staff should have read this sign BEFORE the game, instead of at the end of the game:



---JohnnyUnitas

Eric Mangini, Your Resignation is Accepted

Want to take a gander at the craziest thing I've ever seen?

Feast your orbs on this:


NFL - Week 13 Point Spreads

NYJ
MIA (-2.0)



Let me get this straight - Miami is *favored* by 2 points over the Jets?!

Are we talking about the same Dolphins team that is 0-11?

The Miami Dolphins - winless through Week 12 - are favored? Really? Have the Vegas sports books been taking crazy pills?

THAT Miami team is *favored* over any team besides the Slippery Rock Teachers College or Immaculate Heart School for the Blind?

Is that more or less crazy than the fact that the Philly fans are ready to induct A.J. Feeley into the Hall of Fame after a 3-interception performance against the Pats last week?


---JohnnyUnitas

Tim Tebow is a Bad Mamma-Jamma

If Florida Gator QB Tim Tebow is not already your personal hero, then in a few months, after Tim Tebow has won the Heisman, then declares for the NFL Draft, and then gets selected #1 overall by the Miami Dolphins, well I'll bet THEN he'll be your personal hero.


I doubt you need any additional evidence, but just in case you do, here are some more visual clues to help you out.

Only player in college football history to throw for 20 TDs and rush for 20 TDs in the same season



Does not need to "plant-and-throw".
Eat your heart out, Tom Brady.


Pretty much speaks for itself, wouldn't you say?


Humminah-humminah-humminah.
Eat your heart out (again), Tom Brady.

If all that is not enough evidence of the awesomeness that IS Tim Tebow, then you need to check out TimTebowFacts.com , and that should get you to see the light.

My good buddy, MPR, called my attention to that site - and MPR (uber-GatorFan) has already named his first child "TheSwamp", his second child "GatorsBabyGators", and if he has a third child, he will be arm-wrestling his bride, Steph, for the naming rights - which would either be "OBC" (for Ol' Ball Coach - even though Spurrier has lost 6 straight games at South Carolina - oh, the humanity), or the other possible name would be "YaCan'tSpellCitrusWithoutU&T"

My favorite fact from TimTebowFacts.com:

"Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Tim Tebow laughs at Superman for having a weakness."



---JohnnyUnitas

Chris Berman Needs to Upgrade to JC Penney's

Listen, I fully realize that Chris Berman has made some monumental contributions to popular culture – to name just a few:

(1) Creating some terrific sports nicknames (which didn’t even start getting tired and played until the late 1990s);

(2) Coming up with a phenomenal catchphrase (“He… Could! Go! All! The! Way!”) which has tremendous cross-over potential and has all sorts of utility, including yelling at a buddy who’s trying to throw game at a young lady in a bar;

(3) Stretching the acceptable boundaries of how far a guy with a receding hairline can effectively carry The Combover (which I thought was Zero, but Berman is redefining the boundaries);

Last but certainly not least, (4) Being responsible for probably the greatest ‘snowclone’ line in recorded human history, which is of course: “You’re with me, leather”.

So I have nothing but respect for the guy (obviously) but can anyone please get a message to Berman that he needs to do *something* – once and for ALL – about his hideous ties?! His choices in neckwear are so atrocious that Dude makes Rush Limbaugh look like Cary Grant. The patterns on those things are more hopelessly convoluted than the plot of an episode of “Heroes”.

(The black & white pic is a good shot of The Combover)

By the way, just in case anyone reading this has NOT heard the “You’re with me, leather” story, you can check it out by typing into Wikipedia the words: You’re with me, leather . Or just click here and you can read all about it.

---JohnnyUnitas

Thanksgiving Indigestion

It looks like Eli Manning enjoyed his holiday weekend:


(Actually, this picture is old - it certainly was not taken any time recently - it might even go back to his days at Ole Miss).

But it's an amusing photo, and it gives me a chance to pile on Eli a little bit. How bad has THAT guy been lately? Isn't he supposed to be Peyton's brother and Archie's son? So where's the resemblance? I think Mrs. Manning might have been paying the milkman with something other than cash back in the early-80s, because I don't believe Eli shares the same genes as Archie.

By the way, if your stomach is growling and you are tired of leftover green-bean casserole with those crispy french-fried onions on top, you may want to consider this culinary creation:


I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Someone needs to take Jimmy Dean out behind the shed and "slap the stupid" off his face. This has to be the worst use of a processed pork product since Weight Watchers introduced 'Frankfurter Spectacular' in 1974.

(By the way, thanks to www.candyboots.com for making me aware of Frankfurter Spectacular - there are a bunch of other crazy Weight Watcher cards that the woman who runs the site found. Check it out if you have a strong stomach.)

Chocolate-chip-pancake-wrapped sausages aren't exactly health food, kids. So if you want to grow up to be big and strong, make sure you focus on lean protein and plenty of complex carbs. I'm sure this young lady would agree that's the best plan.



---JohnnyUnitas

Pumpkin Pie and Football (Not Necessarily in That Order)

Back in 1876, the Intercollegiate Football Association was formed in the Northeast, and the folks in charge determined that their championship game would be contested on Thanksgiving Day. So popular was this idea that, in less than ten years, it was the premier sporting event in the nation. But football on Thanksgiving got a fresh shot in the arm in 1934, when G.A. Richards (pictured at left) - the owner of the first-year Detroit Lions - scheduled a Turkey Day game that has since gone down as a tradition that is as much a part of the day as wearing pants that have an elastic waistband.

My favorite story about Thanksgiving football is the game in 1980, when the Lions took on the Bears. With Chicago trailing 17-10 with seconds left, QB Vince Evans scored on the final play to tie it up. The Bears won the toss, and as they prepared to receive the kickoff, the referee chatted with David Williams (the Bears kick returner). "I hope this overtime period doesn't go on too long, my wife is holding Thanksgiving dinner until I get there," said the ref with a rumbly in his tumbly.

With that, Williams promptly took the kickoff 95 yards to the house, instantly ending the shortest OT period (21 seconds) in NFL history. The speedy return man circled back to find the stunned ref and said, "Was that quick enough for ya?"

Bring on the candied yams!



---JohnnyUnitas

News & Notes

-- You know what, the only interesting that I can come up with about that Pats-Bills game on Sunday night is that, in the 1st quarter of that 56-10 snoozer, JP Losman hit Roscoe Parrish for a 47-yard touchdown – and Al Michaels observed about the Buffalo fans, “This crowd is frenzied!” I thought this was hilarious, because there was virtually no ambient noise in the background – and when the camera panned to the crowd, and rather than looking frenzied it seemed as though they had taken a collective Xanax. Not only that, but at least half the crowd seemed to be wearing Patriots jerseys.

-- Remember back in the old days (like, last season) when Chad Johnson used to be good? Or should I say, Remember back when the Bengals used to be good?

-- Check this out – crazy dune climbing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3HQd8M1C4o
All I have to say about this clip is that these dudes have balls the size of pumpkins.

-- You know one thing that confuses me? (I know… there are a lot of things that confuse me, including simple magic tricks and shiny pieces of metal – I said this is just ONE thing that confuses me): and that’s when I see people at sporting events wearing a player’s jersey who has long-since departed that team. For example, when I spot people at Candlestick Park wearing 49ers jerseys with #5 on it and ‘GARCIA’ on the back, what is that supposed to mean? By my count, Jeff Garcia has played for (count ‘em) FOUR different NFL teams since he left San Francisco many years ago. So what are you saying when you wear that jersey? Are you saying, “I’m a fan of the Browns, Lions, Eagles and Buccaneers – as well as the 49ers”? Or are you saying, “I sunk eighty-nine bucks into this jersey and I can’t afford to buy another one”? It’s got to be one of those, right? Which one of those two types of losers do you want to be?

-- Speaking of losers, a couple of weeks ago while attending a 49ers home game, the stadium was mostly empty and a number of the Niners players were warming up on the field right in front of where my seats are. And this one donkey of a fan leans over the railing and yells to Frank Gore, “Hey, Frank! You’re killing my fantasy team this season!” Gore just shook his head and smiled. I was so embarrassed for the fan that I nearly renounced my affiliation to fantasy sports right on the spot. If you have ever (or would ever) interact with a professional athlete by explaining their place in the world as it relates to your fantasy roster, you are a loser. Plain and simple, with no qualification. Loser. Please kill yourself immediately.

-- I’ve been starting to wonder if the Patriots will break the record for Largest NFL Point Spread in History when they face the Dolphins (or Jets) later this season. I did a little research and found that the highest spread on record was in 1993 when the 49ers were laying -23.5 against the Bengals. The Niners won that game 21-8. If you recall, later that season the Niners were 18-point favorites in the Super Bowl against the Chargers (and ended up winning 49-26).


-- I remember hearing an apocryphal story about that Super Bowl, when a Vegas sportsbook had a wiseguy-looking fellow walk in with a metal suitcase. He opened up the case and bet $3 million in cash on the 49ers straight up. He didn’t want to lay the points, so of course he had to give odds (he had to cut his payoff down to 1:6) – but it didn’t matter and the day after the Super Bowl, he collected his $500k.

-- Speaking of crazy point spreads involving the 49ers, I noticed that – for this past weekend’s game against the Rams – the 49ers were GETTING 2.5 points, AT HOME… against a team with one win that started the season 0-8!

I don’t know which is more appalling to me – the fact that the odds-makers set the line that way, or the fact that the Rams covered the spread anyhow. So I suppose the Niners really did deserve that disrespect.

YouBeQB Madness

Lots of great action on the youbeqb.com site this weekend - and check out the performance of this guy: YouBeQB Chemist blew up with 17,980 points, on the strength of 905 Play Calls (26% correct). This production would rank in the 'Strong' to 'Very Strong' category - and Chemist's QB Rating of 168 is testament to that. Chemist is currently sitting at #6 Overall on the YouBeQB leaderboard (though technically even higher than that because I know several of the QBs ahead of chemist on the leaderboard are the same person using multiple logins. Tsk, tsk.)

++++++++++++++

While I'm here, can we touch on the College Football Kookiness for a moment, mmkay?

"The stars at night!
Are big and bright!
Deep in the heart...
of Texas!"

How does Oklahoma lose to Texas Tech?

No really... how?

At least when Oregon lost to Arizona last Thursday, they had an excuse - Dennis Dixon goes down with a knee injury, Oregon is done. Plain and simple. But you'd think Bob Stoops wouldn't let the Sooners take their eyes off the ball against the Red Raiders. But the fans in Lubbock were partying like it's 1999:

I think it's richly ironic that #4 West Virginia - who was rooting so vociferously for Oklahoma to get punked by Texas Tech in that game - when they DO get their wish and the Sooners go down in flames, now they have to turn around and root like crazy for Oklahoma to WIN the Big 12 title. Why? Simple - since #2 Kansas and #3 Missouri play one another this coming weekend, so one of them is going to lose and fall a handful of spots - and the Sooners will face the winner in the December 1 Big 12 championship game.

If Oklahoma can play big brother and give their Big 12 baby brother some noogies, then the Mountaineers would slip-stream right past all of them into position for a shot at the national title game against (presumably) LSU. My head is spinning - I feel more confused than Paris Hilton attempting to complete the 'People' magazine crossword puzzle ("17 Down - Fill in the blank: Talking horse on TV named Mist_r Ed.")



---JohnnyUnitas

Knicks Drama Bomb

I would just like to know what Isiah Thomas has to do in order to get fired? Is being the worst executive in modern sports history (there may be a worse executive way back in olden days, so I'm qualifying the label by adding that "modern sports history" tag) not enough?

What about being found liable for sexual harassment and costing his employer $11 million?

Not enough, you say? What about assembling the worst group of horribly-matched, grossly-overpaid talent since the movie "Showgirls"?

This seems like a good time to ask: what exactly are IN those pictures that Zeke has of Knicks owner James Dolan?

To quote Ricky Roma (played by Al Pacino) in 'Glengarry Glen Ross': "You know your business, I know mine. Your business is being an a**hole. I find out whose f***ing cousin you are, I'm going to go to him and figure out a way to have your a**."

That's how Knicks fans have to feel about Isiah - they want to know whose cousin he is, that he continues to keep his job.

Then of course, this week there has been all the drama between him and Stephon Marbury. Isiah goes out of his way to bring Starbury to New York, and he repays the guy by threatening to roll on him if Zeke leaves him out of the starting lineup against the Suns?!

You know what I have to say to that?













Now, even though Starbury says that he "had permission" to bail on the team in Phoenix (and what coach out there *doesn't* give permission for his players to take their own flights back home in the middle of a road trip?), the Knicks fined him $195,000. Considering that Dude will earn $40 million for the next two seasons, I'm going out on a limb to say the two hundred dimes probably doesn't mean much to him.
Today, word came that Steph is going to apologize to the team for being a distraction, and he made like a bakery truck and hauled buns across the country to rejoin the team in L.A. for a game against the Clips (but was NOT in the starting lineup).

Uh-0h... What's that I hear, up in the sky... it's a bird, it's a plane...


Zeke, it's seven games into the season. How could everything have gone off the tracks THIS fast? Please enjoy your next gig coaching the Cleveland Rockers of the WNBA.

I don't think anyone will be sad when you destroy that league like you did the CBA.


---JohnnyUnitas

Football is a Rough Sport

For my money, Sports Illustrated employs the best sports photographers in the world. Check out this handful of shots from Week 10 in the NFL.

Three things to notice about this photo:
(1) I'm sure this felt well-below-average. LJ Smith probably
needed to pound a couple ibuprofens after this game, eh?
(2) Sean Taylor has some muscular forearms,
(3) somewhere off to the side, the ref is reaching into his
pants pocket to pull out his yellow hankie.


Stud. This was Antonio Cromartie's third pick of the first
half on Sunday night. It's almost like Deion Sanders
got split into two people - Devin Hester and this guy.


Listen, Mr. Browns DB... are you going to
apologize to me for bruising my fist with your face?


This hurts. I need a Vicodin.


Are these guys doing the Macarena?
Or possibly the Hokie-Pokie?

The BCS is Fun... For... Every... One...

I would just like to ask, What happens if both Kansas and Hawaii win out and finish with undefeated seasons and *neither* of them gets a shot at the BCS title game in New Orleans on January 7?

Now, I'd say that it's a little easier to dismiss Hawaii, since (1) they play in the WAC, (2) QB Colt Brennan got his bell rung last Saturday and may miss some time with a concussion - so that can't help their chances, and (3) it took the Rainbow Warriors three OTs to finish off Louisiana Tech.

Plus, I'm not sure any legit national championship contender would dye their hair like this:

You can admit it, people. You like my hair

more than Jeff Reed's, right?

In my mind, snubbing Kansas would be an entirely different kettle of fish. If you're a Big 12 school, and you run the table when you've got other Big 12 teams clustered in (and around) the Top 5 in the rankings (see: Oklahoma, Missouri), then how do you say that team doesn't deserve a shot?


The last time the Kansas FOOTBALL team was 10-0, Roosevelt was running for president...

TEDDY Roosevelt.

The year was 1899. That was the last time Kansas was undefeated this late in the season. And if they come through the meat-grinder that is the Big 12 without a loss, how do you slot Oregon ahead of them?

I ask you, how?

You've got some good, hard-working people in Kansas. I know because I met a few of them while on my honeymoon in Hawaii. This one couple had never been outside of the cozy confines of the Jayhawk state - but when they found out I was from California, their eyes got very wide and they said, "Oh, we'll pray for your safety."

When I asked why I might need prayers, and in what way was I in danger?

They responded that they had seen that truck driver get pulled out of his rig and stomped and beaten during the Rodney King riots in LA. So they were worried for me, and they were dead serious.

Hmm...

This conversation took place more than a decade after those riots. And I live in Silicon Valley, not Compton.

But apparently it was all the same to them -- all Californians needed to embark on their morning commute with a bulletproof vest and a Glock. Which is pretty darn close to the truth - as long as you replace the words 'bulletproof vest' with 'bran muffin', and 'Glock' with 'iPod Nano'.

Kansas clearly needs the excitement that would come with a BCS title game bid. So I think they deserve a chance.

Not to mention that their coach - Mark Mangino - is someone we should all root for. He looks like a villain from a Dick Tracy cartoon. And his comic-book name could be, like, Wrecking Ball, or something.

Flat-top was already taken.




---JohnnyUnitas