Football is a Rough Sport

For my money, Sports Illustrated employs the best sports photographers in the world. Check out this handful of shots from Week 10 in the NFL.

Three things to notice about this photo:
(1) I'm sure this felt well-below-average. LJ Smith probably
needed to pound a couple ibuprofens after this game, eh?
(2) Sean Taylor has some muscular forearms,
(3) somewhere off to the side, the ref is reaching into his
pants pocket to pull out his yellow hankie.


Stud. This was Antonio Cromartie's third pick of the first
half on Sunday night. It's almost like Deion Sanders
got split into two people - Devin Hester and this guy.


Listen, Mr. Browns DB... are you going to
apologize to me for bruising my fist with your face?


This hurts. I need a Vicodin.


Are these guys doing the Macarena?
Or possibly the Hokie-Pokie?

The BCS is Fun... For... Every... One...

I would just like to ask, What happens if both Kansas and Hawaii win out and finish with undefeated seasons and *neither* of them gets a shot at the BCS title game in New Orleans on January 7?

Now, I'd say that it's a little easier to dismiss Hawaii, since (1) they play in the WAC, (2) QB Colt Brennan got his bell rung last Saturday and may miss some time with a concussion - so that can't help their chances, and (3) it took the Rainbow Warriors three OTs to finish off Louisiana Tech.

Plus, I'm not sure any legit national championship contender would dye their hair like this:

You can admit it, people. You like my hair

more than Jeff Reed's, right?

In my mind, snubbing Kansas would be an entirely different kettle of fish. If you're a Big 12 school, and you run the table when you've got other Big 12 teams clustered in (and around) the Top 5 in the rankings (see: Oklahoma, Missouri), then how do you say that team doesn't deserve a shot?


The last time the Kansas FOOTBALL team was 10-0, Roosevelt was running for president...

TEDDY Roosevelt.

The year was 1899. That was the last time Kansas was undefeated this late in the season. And if they come through the meat-grinder that is the Big 12 without a loss, how do you slot Oregon ahead of them?

I ask you, how?

You've got some good, hard-working people in Kansas. I know because I met a few of them while on my honeymoon in Hawaii. This one couple had never been outside of the cozy confines of the Jayhawk state - but when they found out I was from California, their eyes got very wide and they said, "Oh, we'll pray for your safety."

When I asked why I might need prayers, and in what way was I in danger?

They responded that they had seen that truck driver get pulled out of his rig and stomped and beaten during the Rodney King riots in LA. So they were worried for me, and they were dead serious.

Hmm...

This conversation took place more than a decade after those riots. And I live in Silicon Valley, not Compton.

But apparently it was all the same to them -- all Californians needed to embark on their morning commute with a bulletproof vest and a Glock. Which is pretty darn close to the truth - as long as you replace the words 'bulletproof vest' with 'bran muffin', and 'Glock' with 'iPod Nano'.

Kansas clearly needs the excitement that would come with a BCS title game bid. So I think they deserve a chance.

Not to mention that their coach - Mark Mangino - is someone we should all root for. He looks like a villain from a Dick Tracy cartoon. And his comic-book name could be, like, Wrecking Ball, or something.

Flat-top was already taken.




---JohnnyUnitas

Peyton has Frowny-Face

I don't want to say anything that will anger my tens of fans in and around the Indianapolis area, but it sure seems like Peyton Manning without his weapons equals Just Another Guy.


I guess when you replace Marvin Harrison with Aaron Moorehead and Craphonso Thorpe, and subtract a Dallas Clark and multiply together Bryan Fletcher and Ben Utecht, then I suppose you get Peyton with 6 INTs? (New mathematical equation?)

On a somewhat non-sequential tangent, I have to ask: what kind of a right-thinking parent names their baby Craphonso? I mean, I don't even have a joke here.

OK, maybe one or two.

If you were unfortunate enough to have masochistic parents who would give you a name like Craphonso (or Apple, or Inspektor, for that matter), and yet you still managed to survive to adulthood, how is it possible that you would you be well-adjusted enough to play a professional sport for a living? If poor Craphonso managed to live through dangling from a locker room towel-hook by the waistband of his underpants for hours at a time, or jerky teenagers holding him upside down in the urinal so that mean kids could administer a 'swirly', I wonder what stopped him from getting ahold of a gas-powered AS50 BMG sniper rifle at some point along the line and climbing a clocktower somewhere? Perhaps, since Craphonso was clearly an athletic dude, it was HE who was hanging other people off of the towel-hooks by THEIR waistbands, instead of the other way around...


Aren't you glad you read this blog? I'm sure glad that you do.


---JohnnyU

Rich Eisen Makes a Funny

Quote of the Week: (from Rich Eisen on 'NFL GameDay', referring to teams "winning ugly" - see: Green Bay Packers):

"It may not be pretty but they don't
put pictures in the standings."

True dat, Rich.

He's witty *and* philosophical. What a raconteur. No wonder that news lady emailed naughty pictures of herself to Rich.

One other note from last week, and I confess that I would never have noticed this, but FootballGuys enlightened me: Philiadelphia Eagle Correll Buckhalter had a tough day.

He had 2 carries for 0 yards.

One pass was thrown his way.

Which he dropped.

And then to top off the trifecta, he fumbled.

Correll... buddy. If I had to give that performance a grade, I would have to say:





---JohnnyUnitas

Who Wants to Get Fired First?

I've never been a fan of either Notre Dame or Nebraska, but nonetheless, it's stunning to see the depths to which each of these once-proud schools has plunged.

I don't even know which one to start with.

Suppose I'll begin with Notre Dame - because Touchdown Jesus has officially become Field Goal Jesus.


Forget for a moment that Ty Willingham got fired after a 6-5 season (and in that season, the Irish DID beat #8 Michigan and #9 Tennessee - and Willingham *still* got clipped). Forget for a moment that Charlie Weis just got a 10-year extension or something ridiculous like that. And even forget that Weis is in the middle of guiding the Golden Domers to what would be the first 1-11 season in school history. They have already lost 8 games this season, and only two other Notre Dame teams have ever lost that many in a single season.

Charlie Weis, offensive genius?

Right after he got hired in 2005, Weis - sporting a fistful of Super Bowl rings and a spotless NFL pedigree - told his new players, "every game you will have a decided schematic advantage."

(Either that, or you'll lose to Navy... one or the other.)


Notre Dame lost to NAVY last week, for crying out loud! The only thing Navy football should ever have in common with Notre Dame football is that you can barely tell their uniforms apart.

The last time the Midshipmen beat Notre Dame, Roger Staubach was running the Navy offense.

Weis spun the loss by saying that his players "need to learn how to win".



Not against Navy, they don't.

They should be able to do that in their sleep.

So I would imagine that the Notre Dame trustees will soon begin the difficult discussion of how much they would be willing to pay in order to buy out Charlie's 10-year contract.

How many games do I think we're

going to win this year? This many...

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

As for Nebraska, how does Bill Callahan continue to cash his paychecks with a straight face? The Huskers gave up 76 points to Kansas! Yes, I realize that Kansas is a top-10 team this season.

But did YOU realize that Nebraska gave up 60 points to Kansas - in the entire *decade* of the 1960s? And 69 points to Kansas during the entire decade of the '70s?

What in the name of Warren Buffett and ConAgra is going on around there?

Into every season, a little rain must fall, eh, Bill?

To a keep a little self-respect, Callahan should resign - though he probably should have resigned at the post-game press conference while answering questions about the Kansas debacle. Or perhaps he should have done himself a favor when he was caught referring to Nebraska legend Tom Osbourne (now back as interim A.D.) as a "crusty, old f***".

But a story out this morning is reporting that Callahan will NOT quit, even though the only people who want Bill to stay on as Cornhuskers coach are the head coaches of Nebraska's remaining opponents. Here's a link to that story.

In it, Callahan says, "That term 'resignation' is not in our vocabulary."

What does he mean "OUR vocabulary"? How many people would be resigning?

This is the most definitive proof yet that there are voices in Callahan's head telling him what to do. And judging by the play-calling, I'd wager a guess that at least half of those voices are borderline mentally-challenged.

Bill? The only thing I can say to you is this: I hope you didn't buy a house in Lincoln... and that if you did do the smart thing and RENT, that your lease is month-to-month.


---JohnnyUnitas

I Heart Tom Brady

Not only does Tom Brady go out and knock off the defending (and unbeaten) Super Bowl champion Colts in their own house on Sunday, but then he appears at the postgame podium rocking a pimp-a-licious black velvet coat. (Is "pimpalicious" a real word? Perhaps not - but I can settle for "pimptastic".)

I couldn't get a picture from the press conference, but Google is my friend. And I found this picture of T-Diddy with scorned ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynihan - and I'll be a monkey's uncle if this isn't the very same velvet jacket:


I'm just going to go out on a limb and say that Tom Brady's life probably doesn't suck very much. Even though he's now Bridget's baby-daddy, he moved on to Leo DiCaprio's ex, Gisele Bundchen.

Speaking of Leo, he has been hooking up with some kind of hot number named Bar Rafaeli.

What kind of a name is Bar? Comanche Indian?

Did I get off-topic there? I feel like I got a little off-topic. I started out talking about pure football -- mainly, Tom Brady having fashion sense that would make Carson Kressley weep with pride.

(But you have to admit that my lifetime subscription to Us Magazine comes in awful handy at times, no?)

I just want to know this: how is it possible for Adrian Peterson to go for nearly 300 yards rushing when Minnesota doesn’t have a single other viable offensive threat? Do you really have to install a Cover-2 and go with a Dime package to stop Tarvaris Jackson and Brooks Bollinger? Are Bobby Wade and Troy Williamson going to suddenly remember how to catch a football? Is Troy Williamson even still in the NFL?

Who do you think had the better weekend, Arkansas Razorback Darren McFadden (323 yards rushing, 1 TD) or Adrian Peterson (296 yards, 3 TDs)?

What's really sick is that, apparently D-Mac was a better defensive player in high school than he was a running back. Check out this highlight clip of him turning people's lights out as a high school safety:



Link here (in case that embedded video isn't working)

Also, since I was fiddling around on YouTube for a while, I thought I would share this hilarious clip of an old lady getting revenge on some tool in a Mercedes who was menacing her:


Link here

I say: Don't hate. Congratulate.


---JohnnyUnitas

They Call Me Heat-Miser

I'm wondering if anyone can adequately explain why Pittsburgh Steelers kicker Jeff Reed is the spitting image of the claymation character 'Heat-Miser' - who was featured in the 1974 Rankin-Bass film "The Year Without a Santa Claus".

"He's Mister Green Christmas,
He's Mister Sun.

He's Mister Heat Blister.
He's Mister One Hundred and One."

"They call me Heat-Miser... whatever I touch.
Starts to melt in my clutch.

I'm... too much!"

Now, one other thing that I thought was curious is: when I went to the ol' Google to look for pictures of Jeff Reed (and also Heat Miser), I found some seriously disturbing photos of the kicker:


A couple of thoughts about this picture: (1) this is a great photo of him rocking the Heat Miser 'do. (2) I am curious as to why he is wearing an arm-band at a bar. (3) I'm even more curious as to why he is NOT wearing any type of shirt. (4) Listen, I was BORN in Pittsburgh (western Pennsylvania - home of Johnny Unitas, Joe Montana, Dan Marino, Jim Kelly); but even I have to ask -- does every 20-something guy in Pittsburgh wear their cap backwards? Do all the women in that city have arms the size of a buff NFL place kicker and wear dresses with spangly things on them like the back of a Sparkletts water truck?

I feel like I need to know these things.

Furthermore, as I drilled into this picture a little more, it brought me to quite a few more, which you can check out in a disturbing entry made on the brilliant sports blog Deadspin.

This seems like a good time to ask why the Steelers employ a guy who (a) styles his hair like that, and (b) takes nearly-naked photos of himself in the mirror with his cellphone.

Before I go back to visit any of my relatives who still reside within the city limits of Pittsburgh, I'd like to have these questions answered.


---JohnnyUnitas